Shouting In Whispers
by haunted-mind-14
Summary: Adam [Edge] Copeland and Jay [Christian Cage] Reso story. Eventual Slash content. To me, fair friend, you never can be old For as you were when first your eye I eyed, Such seems your beauty still...[William Shakespeare]
1. Chapter 1

Author's note...

It would seem that I am about five to six years behind in writing this story. While I was a fan of Edge and Christian's from the beginning, I however did not have access to the Internet up until the past year and a half. I have been looking on here ever since for stories, mostly wrestling fan fiction, and have absolutely loved all the E&C stories I have found here and various other places. The part that breaks my heart, though, is that most of the stories and most all of the sites were made or published years ago, and many of the sites haven't been updated in ages.

So, here is the story. The idea came to me one day while I was working late by myself. (An empty grocery store on a Saturday night is a GREAT place to come up with ideas.) I am going to write this because I am inspired to. I can only hope that it will reach a few, possibly many, Edge and Christian fans, past and present. I hope that there are still people interested in reading it, as I am. This is also my first attempt at writing a slash story. The story is told from Adam's P.O.V, unless otherwise noted. Here you go...I present to you...Shouting In Whispers.

_"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever." _

_- Francois Mocuriac _

_August 2006_

_Tampa, Florida_

Jay stood in front of the wall, smiling. He was smiling because it wasn't bare anymore. It was now covered with memories. His memories. He thought of how glad he was that he had decided to put this new addition on to his home. Now that he was working a lighter schedule of wrestling with TNA instead of the demanding WWE schedule, he had more time for things like this, and it pleased him greatly. Jay stood in the middle of the room, looking all around him. "Not bad..." he said to himself. The first room that he transformed was to be his "Wrestling" room. He had filled it with photos, memorabilia, souvenirs, and had plastered the walls with posters and old, vintage programs from when he had first started out in the indies.

One of them in particular caught his eye. He walked over to it, touching it as he read out loud, "The Suicide Blondes..." he laughed lightly to himself. The idea, though, of that memory was anything but humorous. It was all quite serious, and made something inside of Jay almost turn inside out. Looking over the wall, he came to a poster that actually had his and Adam's photo on it, in black and white. "One night only...Hanover, Manitoba...January 28th, 1996...The Suicide Blondes...The THUG Life faction..." Jay took a deep breath in as he looked at that old photo. "That was just around the time when..." Jay began to say to himself when he was interrupted by his wife, Denise, standing in the doorway. "Baby?" she asked him, "What are you saying?"

He turned to face her, saying softly "Nothing, honey. Just talking to myself..." he trailed off.

She walked over to him. "Looks nice in here."

"Yeah." he mumbled.

"You worked hard, you should be proud." she said, hugging him to her.

"Of what," he asked, "My career or the room?"

"Both." she said, smiling up at him. "You going to come help me make dinner now that you're done with this project of yours?"

"In a few minutes." he said. "I just want to finish a few things in here."

"Okay..." she said, walking away.

Jay walked back over to the poster he had been standing near. "Some things, however..." he said, touching the poster once again, "...you just CAN'T finish, no matter how much time has passed..."

_Toronto, Ontario, Canada_

_Thursday, February 8th 1996_

"Goodbye, honey...I do hope you boys will be careful...it's supposed to snow this weekend...oh, Adam, I don't know if I want you driving that, that...car of yours in this weather, now that I think of it." My mom, she was always worried about me. I guess she had to be, I was her only child. Who else was she going to worry about? She currently had me in a big hug, and was going on and on about the trip we were going to be taking this weekend.

"MOM!!!" I finally said. "It's fine...the car runs fine...there won't be any problems."

"But what if it should quit on you or something on the way there?" she asked.

"Yeah, and what if a yeti jumps out if front of me...?" I joked.

Mom did not find this funny, rolling her eyes at me as she continued "Why not just take my car?" she asked.

"NO. Mom, I saved up some money and I bought that car for two reasons, so I wouldn't have to either A) rely on Jay or someone else to drive, and B) not have to borrow your car...or anyone else's parents' car, for that matter." I said, trying my hardest to assert myself. This was not so easy to do when it was your mother on the other side of the argument. "It will be fine, mom, just relax." I said.

"Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, But I want you to promise me that if it starts to turn bad outside you stop somewhere, or turn around, or call a tow truck or something?" she said as she straightened out the collar of my coat.

"Yes, mother." I said sarcastically.

"I hate when you say it like that, Adam." she said, hugging me again. "I love you."

"I love you too, mom." I said, rolling my eyes. I loved my mother dearly, she had done a fantastic job of raising me on her own, but sometimes she could be too much.

With that I loaded up everything I had thought I would need for the five or six day trip we would be taking through the upper parts of Canada. There would for sure be a show Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, and maybe, if they were lucky enough, we could pick up some other shows along the way.

I lugged my bags out to the car and threw them in the backseat. Ahhh, my car. My _first_ car. I had paid one hundred dollars for this 1980 Chrysler New Yorker. It wasn't pretty to look at, but I wasn't planning on looking at it very much...just driving it. I was proud of myself, in that moment when I put the money in that old man's hands. It was one of the first things I had ever done with nobody's help.

I had saved up money from doing shows for a month and a half to come up with that hundred dollars. I was proud because I had done it, I had my own car. No more having to use someone else's car, no more having to borrow my mom's to get to shows. I now had my own vehicle, and I was going to assert my independence to it's fullest.

Driving over to Jay's house from mine, there were a few snowflakes falling, just lightly. I had told him that I bought the car, but he had yet to see it. I was certain that he would have some sort of disparaging words for the car, but I was prepared. Besides, if Jay thought that he would win a war of insults with me, he had another thing coming.

Pulling up in the driveway, I could see him peeking out of the front window of the house. His face was just poking through the curtains as I pulled in. I had to laugh a little at his childlike nature. I had even found it the littlest bit cute. Jay and I had been best friends for the longest time. He was probably the person who I felt most comfortable with in the world. I could tell him all my hopes, fears, dreams. Luckily for us, he had most of the same ones that I did.

As I put the car in park, I thought about the face that had been looking out that window. Over the past few years, I had begun to sometimes feel strange with Jay. In the years we were training to become wrestlers together, we would often get paired up together to practice in the ring. I guess it was around that time when it began. I had never found myself attracted to Jay-or any other guy, for that matter-until one day when we were just messing around in the ring, trying out some moves. Jay came off from the top rope, landing on top of me. When he moved to get off of me, there was this sensation that I couldn't really have described with words right then. Just the feeling of Jay's body against mine had sort of turned a light bulb on inside of my head.

When he got up off of me, he leaned up and rested on his knees, offering me a hand to get up. In that moment I caught eyes with him. I must have had some sort of dumb look on my face or something, because he asked me, "Adam? You okay???"

I looked down as I said "Yeah, fine." I got up by myself.

He asked me,"Oh, what, did I take the fall a little too hard on you?" in a joking voice.

I turned around and tackled him down to the mat, saying "Of course not." He smiled up at me. In that moment I didn't know whether to help him up or kiss him. Most of me wanted to do the latter, repeatedly, as hard as I could.

Ever since then, I had found myself trying to suppress urges similar to those. There were times when I would look at him and see just a certain sparkle in his eye that intrigued me. The way that he parted his lips that made me wonder what it would be like to kiss him. The quick witted things that he would say. That stupid smile. Those silly faces he would make sometimes. I had begun to find it hard lately to keep Jay's image out of my fantasies.

I always just let them go, stuffed them deep down somewhere in my stomach. I knew that Jay had never thought of me that way. I knew he wasn't gay or bisexual or anything. I was, however, beginning to think that I was.

I got out of the car and opened the backseat door for Jay as he put his bags in with mine. "So...this is the great car, eh?" he asked, taking a walk around it. I could see the criticism written all over his face. "Well...at least it's one of my favorite shades of blue." he concluded.

I tapped the top of the car, saying "Don't make fun of her...you have to ride in her for a few days. Remember that when you're insulting her."

"HER, huh?" Jay scoffed, opening his door with a loud creak. He grimaced as it did. "Did you give HER a name? I think this BOAT'S name should be BERTHA" he said as he got in.

"Adam..."Jay asked as we began driving."What is with the gas smell in this car?"

"What gas smell?" I asked.

"THE gas smell. That overpowering stench of fuel." he said, waving his arms around the front of the car.

"I don't smell anything." I said.

"Yeah, maybe this old-ass pine air freshener is covering up the smell on YOUR side of the car, but it's not working on mine." he said, looking at it. I was busy concentrating on the road and not his criticism up until I heard him start laughing.

"What is so funny?" I finally asked.

"Dude..." Jay said as he took the air freshener off of the rear view mirror, "...this piece of crud is from 1984. Did they even make these things back then?"

"Of course they did...you're holding it in your hand, aren't you?" I asked. He just continued to laugh in my general direction. "It came with the car, alright. It's vintage."

"Yeah, it sure is. Along with the rest of this...how should I put it...oh, the word JALOPY comes to mind, Adam." he said to me. I stopped at a four way stop just then and glared over at him, sitting in the passenger seat. That smugly confident look on his face. That glow in his eyes. That somehow sexily lopsided smile.

"Why do you have to PISS on everything, Jay?" I asked him, putting my foot back down on the accelerator.

"I'm not PISSING on anything. I'm just offering my constructive criticism. That's all." he responded as he leaned back in his seat.

I glanced over at him once more. "Put your seatbelt on." I said dryly.

"Yeah, I probably had better...in this death wagon." he said.

"ALRIGHT...LOOK..." I yelled a little louder than I had intended. Jay's head snapped up from the headrest.

"What?" he asked.

"Just stop talking shit about my car, okay?"

"Why...can't take a little joke? Jeez, Adam, calm down." he said, resting back into his seat.

"No, you know me and I can take a joke. But I'm proud of this, in a way. I don't care what it looks like, how much noise it makes..." I began. Jay scoffed at me. "...it runs, and I did this by myself. I don't have parents to help me pay for a car like you do." I said. I almost regretted saying it, but I had said it anyway and it couldn't be taken back now.

"Oh, here we go!" Jay yelled, throwing up his arms. "Just because my parents are helping me buy a car..." he said. He stopped, sitting silently for a few moments. "I don't want to argue with you, Adam." he finally concluded.

I didn't have the desire to argue either. I also knew deep down that there was no way that we would stay mad at each other...no matter what the other had said, so I just said sighed "Fine".

"Fine." Jay responded sternly, folding his arms over his chest.

"Fine, then. That's fine." I said, almost smiling. I could see him grinning out of the corner of my eye. "Look...I'm sorry. It was a low blow. I'm just a little more than stressed out right now. It's snowing already, and I don't think it'll get any better by the time we get there. My mom is being way too overprotective, and my body is sore."

"It's okay, I know you're an asshole sometimes...no need to apologize...I'm used to it." he said, smiling at me. "Just don't ask me to drive this thing."

"Of course not. I wouldn't let you drive my Bertha." I joked. He just laughed at me. I loved the way he laughed sometimes. I wondered how normal it was to feel this way about your best friend. It wasn't like I could ask one of the other guys, _"Hey, I've been thinking about what it would be like to kiss my best friend...maybe more. Is that supposed to happen between two guys who have been friends since grade school?"_

Two and a half hours into driving I was already tired of being on the road with this snow falling as fast as it was. It had started to get harder to see where I was going. Jay had dozed off there in the seat beside me. The lazy little bastard. It wasn't even dark outside yet and he was already tired.

He had a blanket that he had packed covering him. He had offered me half, but I had declined even though I was fucking cold. "Bertha" was rather drafty. Her heat didn't work very well, and I had wanted that half of the blanket. I was too afraid I would have the urge to pull him over to me and let my hand roam down his pants under there. So I said no and chose to be chilled instead.

He looked rather innocent, laying there with his head against the seat. He was snoring ever so lightly. It occurred to me that I should reach over and touch his cheek. Press the back of my hand against his skin to see how soft, how hot it was. Instead, I cinched my hand around the steering wheel and pressed on down the snowy road.

I allowed Jay to nap until he had to again read to me off from the map which direction I was supposed to be going. "Jay. Jay? Jay! JAY!!!"

"Huh???" His head lifted up slowly from under the warmth of the blanket. "What? Wha's wrong?" he asked, looking up at where I was driving.

"Don't worry, dude. We're still alive. I need you to read the map and tell me which way to turn." I said. It was almost cute, how inept he could be sometimes. He sure was a blonde.

"Oh, yeah." he said, still groggy. He pulled out the map and studied it for a long time.

"Well, where am I supposed to turn, Jay?" I asked. I watched his eyebrows closing in on each other as he stared at that map.

"Uh, well...if my calculations are correct...five miles back." he said, sheepishly looking over at me.

"WHAT?" I said, pulling off to the shoulder of the road. "Give me that map!" I said, grabbing it from him.

"You should have woken my up sooner, dude." he said, almost laughing.

I looked at him from over the top of the map. "Dude." was all I could say in return.

"You totally can't blame this one on me." he said, now laughing out loud at my unfortunate lapse in judgment. He was right, I should have woken him up sooner and asked him, but I thought I knew where I was. Apparently, I didn't. I grumbled as I traced my finger over the map to find that Jay was right. "You'd better not be mad at me." he said smiling that lopsided smile again. Maybe If I hadn't been daydreaming about how cute Jay looked when he was sleeping, I would have made the right turn.

"No. No. I'm not." I sighed. "We'll just have to turn Bertha around."

"That's the spirit." Jay said jokingly, squeezing my shoulder as he did. It set off a spark deep inside of me. I just grinned feebly. "You sure you don't want half of this blanket?" he asked.

"Yeah...I'm sure." The last thing I needed was for my roaming hands to give my feelings away.

Finally we were heading down the correct road. It had gotten darker sooner than I had anticipated. The snow hadn't let up any. There had to have been at least three or four new inches of snow on the ground that had accumulated since we started driving. We were still about three hours shy of our destination, and the way I had to drive to accommodate the snowfall, it would probably take four.

Jay was sitting in the passenger seat, humming to himself. I didn't know what he was humming. I couldn't quite figure it out. I let my eyes fall away from the road and over to Jay for a few short stolen seconds. He had his legs outstretched so that his feet were on the dash.

He held a piece of paper in his hands and was gently folding it back and forth between his slim, nimble fingers. I found myself wishing my desire was that piece of paper. Between his fingers. In his grasp. Forever manipulating it.

My mind wandered to thinking about what his hands would feel like across my back. Through my hair. On my hips. Tangled with my own. Anywhere he would be willing to put them. Who the hell was I kidding, I would never have the chance to know how any of those things felt. _"I should just quit now while I'm ahead."_

"The next left." he said finally. He had broken me out of a deep fantasy with just those simple three words.

'What were you humming, just now?" I asked.

"Nothing. Just whatever was in my head. I have to do something." he joked, "I think Bertha's eight track player is out of commission." he said as he pointed to the hole where the radio should have been.

"Hey, who needs real music?" I said. "I'm sure we could make our own if we really wanted to."

"Yeah, hey, I think I got one." Jay said as he began to sing.

"Driving through the snow in this piece of shit car,

I don't think we're going to get very far..."

"Okay, Jay, shut up!!!" I exclaimed. "Maybe that wasn't such a good idea."

"Why not? I think I was on a roll." he laughed.

The next left came to us and as I turned down the road, we slid into the other lane. I had to pump Bertha's brakes to get them to work quickly. After a few moments, we were back on the right side of the road. "Dude, this road is shit." Jay commented as we continued to slip and slide down it.

"Yeah, it is." It looked as though this road hadn't been traveled down in the past few days at all. The snow was thick on the road, and it had begun to fall even harder from the sky now. I had to turn my wipers on to the highest setting, and still could hardly see at times.

"Are you sure this is the right way, Jay?" I questioned.

"Yeah, this is the way." he said, consulting the map.

"Damn." I said as we slowly pushed forward through the snow. I was on eggshells as we continued down the road. "Please tell me we get onto a main road again soon." I said.

"No, dude. We stay on this road for the rest of the drive." I began to curse the snow. The car. This whole trip.

When I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. The snow was falling fast, and the wind had picked up. I could barely see in front of me driving down this bitch of a road. Mom and her words were echoing through my head. Here we were, on the worst road in all of Canada. In my new car. Over four hours from home. Not another living soul on the road. In the middle of nowhere. We were going to die.

"Adam, this is pretty bad." Jay said. I could tell he was nervous. I wanted to tell him that he could trust me with his life, but I was sure he already knew. I just stared at the road, trying in vain to see where I was headed.

"How much further?" I asked.

"Another, uh...sixty miles." he sighed, folding up the map.

This becoming what would be known as the worst road trip ever, if we survived it. Driving over frozen lakes was most of the time a more calm experience than this. I longed to bang my head into the steering wheel.

Then it happened. It only took a few seconds. I lost control of the car. Bertha slid in a half circle and I tried my best to regain control of her, but it was no use. The road was just too bad. We swung around and eventually ended up, with a sickening thud, against a tree.

"Adam? Are you alright?" Jay asked frantically.  
I lifted my head up, saying, "Yeah, Yeah." It took me a minute to come to the reality of what had just happened. Jay. Oh, holy fuck. If I had hurt Jay... "Jay, are you okay?" I asked, reaching out for him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." he said, putting his arm around me.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

"_There is an energy field between humans. And, when we reach out in passion, it is met with an answering passion and changes the relationship forever."_

_Rollo May_

The realization that Jay had his arm around me was the only thing that made me think about what had just happened. "Fuck." I muttered. My head was pounding like mad. I think I had collided with the steering wheel.

"Adam, you sure you're okay?" he asked me again.

"Yeah, yeah, fine." I said. "Fuck...we fucking hit a tree." I said, cursing this trip once again. "Goddammit, I hope this piece of shit starts up." I said.

"Piece of shit huh...a few hours ago you were proud of her." Jay said, removing his arm.

"Shut up Jay." I muttered under my breath. "This isn't the time for jokes." I turned the key, praying to every god and deity that I knew of that the car would start up to at least drive to the nearest house. It was hopeless, though. Bertha wouldn't even turn over. "Shit!!!" I yelled, banging my fist against the steering wheel.

"It won't start?" Jay asked. I could sense a bit of nervousness in his voice.

"Nope. She's dead." I said.

"Now what the hell are we supposed to do, Adam?" he questioned me. I could see, faintly in the darkness of the car, that his expression had changed drastically. Jay no longer had that usual happy go lucky, almost dumb, nerdy look on his face. His expression was almost one of panic. He had this tight, uncomfortable look now on his face. "What the fuck are we going to do, we'll fucking freeze to death out here. This car doesn't even have heat! Fuck, Adam thanks a lot for wrapping this shitty car of yours around that tree, this was EXACTLY how I wanted to die!!!"

I sighed. "We are not going to die, Jay." I said as calmly as I could muster. Fuck, my head was really hurting. I reached up to my forehead and was both surprised and disgusted to place my fingertips in a warm, wet liquid. "Dammit." I whispered softly to myself as I looked at my fingers.

"What?" Jay asked, still with that frantic tone in his voice.

"Nothing." I said. I had never seen Jay this way, he was usually such a calm person. He had just gone crazy on me. The last thing I wanted was for him to see that I had been cut open. Jay hated the sight of blood. It would have sent him into a further frenzy, if that was possible. I was betting that it was, so I hid my head from him. "Jay, calm down man. I'm sure a car will come by soon and stop when they see us." I said.

"A CAR??? Have you not been paying attention to the road we were traveling on? We haven't passed a car the whole time we've been on this damned road. I don't even think we passed any houses. Let's just face it, we're in the middle of nowhere. We don't know where we are. We have no way to get help. The chances of another car passing by is pretty fucking SLIM, Adam. We're stuck out here in this storm, Adam. We're doomed." he yelled at me.

"Jay, just calm the fuck down. It's not as bad as you're making it out to be." I began to say, but Jay just kept right on ranting.

"Not as bad as it seems?!?! Not as FUCKING bad as it seems?" he screamed. He turned to me, still screaming. "How can you say that to me, Adam?"

I tried to think of something to say that would stop his little freak out, but I was coming up with nothing. I sat there silent for a few minutes. I could hear Jay grumbling and ranting to himself. He had taken off his seat belt and was sitting there, his elbow propped against the window, his head resting in his palm.

I took a deep breath as I took the keys out of the ignition. "What are you doing?" Jay asked indignantly.

"I am going to get the first aid kit and the emergency kit that I have in the trunk out." I calmly replied as I opened the car door. I thought that Jay would have some sort of cutting remark for me as I got out of the car, but he just folded his arms over his chest and sunk into his seat.

Getting out of the car, I nearly fell over into the snow. I held onto the car to steady myself. I looked around us. I couldn't tell how far we were from the road. I could barely tell where the road even began or ended, for that matter. I guessed we had gone pretty far. We must have gone into the ditch. I glanced over to the tree that had been our downfall. I had hit the back end of the passenger side, the indentation went from the very back of Bertha to almost the middle of the backseat door.

My heart sank as I trudged through the snow, almost up to my knees. We had been pushed back about ten feet from the tree after we collided with it. I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt coming over me. I had not realized, from where I had been sitting in the car, that we had hit on Jay's side of the car. I glanced at it once more as I tried to put the key into the lock of the trunk. _"Jesus...a few more feet...I could have really hurt him...fuck. I wish it had been my side...why wasn't it my side?" _I thought as my mind raced with the possibility that I had almost hit right where Jay had been sitting. If I had, I would have never been able to forgive myself if anything bad had happened to him. I finally concluded that everything was fine, that I shouldn't worry about what could have happened. It didn't make me feel any less guilty, though.

"Fuck!" I cursed as I fumbled to open up the trunk. The lock was impossibly frozen shut. There was no way that I was going to get into that trunk. "Great. JUST FUCKING GREAT!!!" I yelled into the snowy white nothingness. "Motherfucker!!!" I yelled as I kicked the back of the car. The only things that accomplished was to make my head further throb and to get Jay to come out of the car.

"Adam...what the hell are you doing out here?" he demanded as he began to trudge his way over to me.

"Nothing, Jay. Just...just please get back in the car. It's freezing out here." I said, trying my hardest to turn away from him, hide my face.

"Did you open the tr...oh my god, YOU"RE BLEEDING! ADAM!!!" he yelled, coming around to the back of the car where I stood, like a fool.

"I can't open it, it's frozen shut. And don't worry about me, it's not that bad." I replied, looking away from him.

"Adam, yes it is, it's really bad. You're bleeding from your head. How can you say that's not bad?" he yelled, that frenzy still in his voice. "That's why you came out here...you knew you had to get that first aid kit. You knew that you were bleeding. Why didn't you tell me you were bleeding? Adam. Adam? Look at me, Adam." he said, tugging on my arm.

"Jay, don't worry about it!!!" I yelled more harshly than I should have. He slowly retracted his arm from mine. "It's fine, I just didn't want you to see it, that's all. I know you're squeamish about looking at blood, so I just figured..."

"Adam, I can't believe you didn't tell me. You're my best friend...I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have cared if you were bleeding..." he began.

Now I was just angry. I was angry that the trunk wouldn't open. I was angry that I was bleeding and there was nothing I could do about it. I was angry that I had almost seriously hurt Jay. I was just angry, mostly with myself. I took it out on Jay, because I knew that the snow couldn't hear me yell. "OH, now it's all warm and nice? A few minutes ago in the car, you were freaking out on me like there was no tomorrow!!! If I remember correctly, you even BLAMED this whole accident on me. Yeah, you really CARED about me then!!!"

"Don't EVER question whether or not I CARE about YOU, Adam!" I was surprised as he yelled that response to me. I fell silent, forgetting what I had wanted to yell next. We just stood there for a moment. The snow was collecting on the both of us, and I realized how ridiculous we both were, standing out in the storm, mad at each other, waiting for the other to move or say something.

"I'm getting back in the car." I mumbled, breaking the silence.

I got back in and grabbed the blanket Jay had brought, shivering. I covered myself with it, but I knew it was going to do little to keep me warm in these conditions. Maybe Jay was right...we would freeze to death before someone found us. No, I didn't want to give him that much credit right now. I was still angry with him for what he had said.

Jay opened the backseat door behind me then, with a gust of cold air accompanying him as he got into the car.

"What, you're not good enough to sit up here with me anymore?" I said sarcastically.

"No, Adam. That has nothing to do with it." he said dryly. He seemed to have calmed down a little, and that made me a little more at ease. "I have to get that first aid kit." he said as he began to tear apart he backseat.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled as he tried to tear the seat out.

"I'm going to try to get to the trunk through here. We have to bandage up your head, Adam, we can't just let it bleed like that." he said, pulling as hard as he could at the seat.

"You just can't tear apart the backseat of my car!" I yelled back to him. I turned around in the seat, catching my eyes with his.

"Adam, this car isn't worth anything. It doesn't MATTER if I tear apart the backseat. It's not like you'll be taking a hot date to this backseat anytime soon." he joked.

"Oh shut the fuck up, Jay." I said, turning around. "At least I can GET a hot date." I said as a final dig.

"Yeah, if you call a different girlfriend every two weeks having a hot date, then I guess you've got the concept down, huh?" he said. "Just because I don't have five different girls at once doesn't mean I can't get a date, Adam. I'm surprised you can even remember the names of all the girls you've been with."

I slumped over in the seat. I wanted to argue with him, but there was no argument. He was mostly right. I had a reputation for dating a lot of girls. Sometimes more than one at a time.

I only did it, usually, because I could. Some of them I didn't have any interest in, most of them were either brain dead or boring, in the most nice of terms. What Jay didn't know, however, was that only the select few got a kiss at the end of the night. A VERY select few got more than that. I could count on one hand the number of girls I had had sex with. Jay didn't know that, he just assumed that since I went out with them, I must have fucked them. It was a grand picture to have painted of how you viewed your best friend...man-whore extraordinaire. Yup. That was me.

If Jay knew the truth, he wouldn't make statements like the one he had just made that was currently boiling through my brain. I wanted to tell him just then that over the past few six months, I hadn't even had sex with the girls I was currently dating. I barely even had kissed them. I wanted to tell them that the one I had all the desire for was him, that having sex with one of them didn't even interest me anymore, but I knew that I couldn't. I longed to prove him wrong, to tell him that I hadn't been out on a date in the longest time where I hadn't wished my date was him. I sat there silent, full of anger. How dare he say something like that to me.

Then, with a great tug, Jay got the backseat loose from the frame, exposing the back of the trunk. I turned and watched him as he crawled into the trunk, his body about halfway in, to grab the emergency kit and the first aid supplies I had put in there.

Watching him, I was surprised to feel my former feeling of rage slowly melt away. It was replaced with a strange feeling of appreciation. Jay had pulled that seat away for ME. He had done it because he knew we needed that first aid kit. He had done it just for ME. I felt badly for yelling at him earlier, for questioning whether or not he cared. I wished now that I could have taken it back.

"Jay, I..." I began to say. His head popped out just then, holding the first aid kit. He looked at me, a huge grin on his face.

"You didn't think I could do it, did you?" he asked as he climbed past me to get to the front seat. He brought up the first aid kit and the three extra blankets I had put in the trunk. He pulled the blankets apart, wrapping them around me and then him. I just looked at him as he did so, even though I knew that he was probably still mad at me.

When he was done adjusting the blankets, he opened the first aid kit. He shifted his way over to where I sat. He reached over to my face, catching his gaze with mine and smiling. "Let me see, Adam..." he said softly.

I moved my face away form him, saying "Let me do it, Jay. I know you don't like the sight of blood."

"No, it's alright." he said as he took my chin in his palm.

"Really, Jay. You don't have to..." I began. Jay stopped me.

"ADAM. Just let me take care of it." he said as he opened up an antiseptic bottle and wet a cloth with it. As Jay carefully reached out to wipe the blood away, I looked over at him. I didn't know what to say in that moment. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him everything I had been feeling and thinking about him lately. I decided, as his hand held my face, that I should just apologize and leave it at that.

"Look, Jay...I'm sorry about earlier...about what I said when we were outside. We were both angry and..." I began.

"Shh. You don't have to apologize." he said softly. He glanced up at me then, his eyes warm and soft. "I should be the one who's apologizing." he muttered. "I blamed you for this accident, even though I know there was no way you could have stopped it."

"I almost hit you." I whispered, taking my face away from his hand as I turned away. Jay moved over in the seat so that our legs were now touching underneath the blanket.

"Adam." he whispered softly. He used his hand on my cheek to guide my face back over to him. "But you didn't..." he said.

"Yeah, but if I had..." I said, feeling myself get a little choked up. What happened next made me forget that we were stuck in my car in the middle of nowhere in a snowstorm. Jay leaned in to me. He whispered my name once more before placing his lips against mine.


	3. Chapter 3

_"A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." -- Frances Ward Weller_

This was the warmest feeling I had ever felt. It was funny, here we were in the middle of a bad snowstorm, in below freezing temperatures, in my drafty old wrecked car. With Jay's lips pressed against mine, though, the only feeling I had was a hot feeling pulsing all through my body.

The last thing I knew, Jay and I were apologizing to each other for the mean things we had insulted one another with earlier. Jay then whispered my name more sweetly than it had ever crossed anyone's lips, "Adam", and kissed me.

It all had to be some sort of dream. Maybe an illusion. No. You can't feel an illusion. Can you? It must have been that bump to the head. But then why did it feel so real? Why did it feel as though Jay was trying to put his tongue between my lips?

With that thought, my eyes jolted open, a light whimper flowing through my now parted lips. In front of my own eyes were Jay's, tightly closed. He had this deep look of concentration covering his face. Like he was using his lips to study mine. He must have sensed that I was looking at him, because just then he opened his eyes, shocking both of us with the immediate eye contact. He broke from our kiss. His head hung low, he began to curse out apologies, almost in hushed whispers.

I grinned to myself. I took Jay's hand, the hand that was still holding the cloth he had used to wipe the blood away with. I tossed the bloody thing away and took his hand in mine. He looked up at me expectantly. "I'm sorry, Adam. I shouldn't have done that." he said softly.

I held his hand tightly in mine, mostly because I was afraid to let go. As much afraid for me as I was for him. I guess afraid that if I let go, this moment between us would be gone. I let my fingers interlock with his, squeezing. "Jay..." now it was my turn to whisper his name so sugary sweetly that it hurt. I touched his cheek with the palm of my free hand. "Jay...why did you kiss me?" I asked softly.

"No, never mind Adam. Just...let's forget that it even happened. I just...It was...that...let's just drop it." he stuttered out. He was looking back down again, down at the faded old seat of the car.

"_Oh, Jay. If only you knew...you sweet thing, you."_ I thought to myself. "Jay, I don't want to forget it." I calmly whispered. "How long?" I asked him.

"What?" he asked me, looking up at me now. His eyes were nervous, I could tell. There was this tentative look in them like he was waiting for the world to shift on it's axis. I wanted to be the one to make Jay's world shift. I didn't want anyone else to have that privilege.

"How long?" I asked again, smiling at him.

"How long what, Adam?" he asked me, feigning annoyance at my question.

I sighed. "Well, how long have you thought about kissing me? How long have you known that you wanted to? How long has it been since the idea first sparked through your brain?" I asked him. "When was the first time you thought about it?" I pressed on. "I'll tell you when the first time I thought about kissing you was if you'll tell me?" I dared him.

He looked at me hopefully, yet still nervously. The world had just shifted a little, hadn't it?

"Okay." he whispered to me. "Tell me." he said as he ran his thumb over my knuckles of the hand I had closed over his.  
"It was one of the days when you and I were first paired up to train together, to practice spots in the ring. You had landed on top of me, and when I opened my eyes and there you were...I wanted to reach up, grab you, I wanted to bury my hands in your hair and kiss you. I wanted to kiss you until we were both dizzy. I wanted to kiss you as though there was no one else in the room. I wanted to feel that, Jay..." I began as I took my thumb and let it softly trail across his bottom lip. His eyes shifted up to glance at me as I did so. "I wanted to feel how hot your lips would be against mine. I wanted to know how it tasted to kiss you. I longed to find out, was it sweet? What did your tongue taste like? How would your lips feel as they slid across mine?" I asked, again running my thumb over his swollen bottom lip. This time, Jay kissed back as I did it. It made my cock twitch.

"But, I don't have to wonder anymore, do I Jay..." I asked slowly. I let go of his hand. I reached out to him and let one hand tangle in his hair, pulling his face against mine, our foreheads touching. "Because now I know."

I pressed my lips to his, that hot feeling returning. This time it was different. That first kiss had been like a test, just to see what would happen. It was soft, almost timid. This was far different. I willed Jay's tongue entry into my mouth, letting it slide together with my own. Jay let out a soft whimper as I caressed the back of his neck, deepening the kiss we were sharing as I did so. I wanted to keep going, I wanted to kiss Jay like this forever. But more than that, in this moment, I wanted him to answer the question I had posed to him earlier.

I broke from the kiss. Jay held his forehead to mine, whispering to me, "Adam...please..."

"I want you to tell me, Jay." I said, interrupting his heated plea for me to keep going.

"I don't think I can." he whispered.

"Yes, you can." I said, cupping his chin in my hand. "You can. Do it for me." I said softly.

"Fifteen." he whispered.

"What?" I asked him.

"We were fifteen." he said a little more loudly. He looked up at me, locking his eyes with mine. It was almost as though, the way he looked at me just then, that he was trying to read me and my reaction. He was trying to gauge whether or not he should go on. I tried to give him the most encouraging look that I could. "We were fifteen. It was when you had your first girlfriend." he went on. "I just remember at first feeling jealous and not really understanding why. I thought that it was just because I didn't have a girlfriend, but that wasn't it. I thought that maybe it was because I was jealous that you were spending time with someone that wasn't me. But I decided that wasn't it either. Then, one day it hit me. I saw you and her kissing. I remember the first thought raging through my mind was 'she doesn't deserve to be kissing Adam. I should be kissing Adam, I deserve to.' I remember, then, that feeling of panic that came with what I had just thought." he said, sighing.

"I couldn't believe that I was thinking those kind of thoughts about my best friend. I tried my hardest to suppress them, but they just wouldn't go away. I tried everything. I tried avoiding you, I tried keeping those thoughts out of my mind. I tried dating girls, none of it worked. I went home every night after school and all that I could manage to think of was you. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for thinking, hell, for feeling this way." Jay confessed to me. I just listened intently.

"Eventually...I came to terms with it. If this was how I felt, then this was how I felt. I guessed there was nothing I could do about it." he said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. I didn't know what else to say. I thought it had been tough for me, thinking about Jay like this for the months I had. But all these years? It must have been tearing him up inside.

"I didn't think it would be right to tell you." he sighed.

"Jay...you carried that with you all of this time?" I asked.

"Yeah." he whispered.

"You could have shared this with me, Jay. I wouldn't have cared." I said, touching his cheek. "You could have told me how you felt."

"I thought you wouldn't accept that about me, that part of me. I didn't think you would feel the same." he said. "I didn't think you would want me." he said, looking up at me timidly.

"Oh, Jay." I said softly, hugging his body to mine. "I would have to be a damned fool not to want you, anybody would." I said. With that, I earned a smile from him. "Jay, you're beautiful."

Jay looked up at me then, with those sparkling eyes of clear blue. "So are you, Adam."

I smiled with him then. He held on to my shoulders as he leaned in to kissed me once more. As his lips met mine I held on to his face with my hands. Jay tasted so sweet as he let his lips caress mine. His tongue playing against my own. We continued to kiss, every now and then a slight moan or sigh coming from one of us. I could feel the arousal growing between us. I could barely breathe. All of this was happening so fast.

I still wanted to ask Jay a million and one questions...but right now, my desire-our desire-was overtaking the both of us. All I could taste, feel, smell, sense right now was Jay and I. Jay gently pushed me back against the seat of the car. He opened his eyes, slightly breaking from our kiss to give me a sultry look as I opened up my own, climbing over me and onto my lap. He eased his body against mine, his groin to mine. He wrapped the blanked around us once again. He continued with the kiss, letting his tongue go deeper into my mouth and I doing the same in his. He gently moved his hips against mine as I moved from our kiss and licked along his neck. The feeling of Jay's gentle sighing, his body heat against mine, his lips searing hot on my earlobe, his hips against my own...it was all too much for me to handle at once. I had to have him, I had to have more than this to fulfill my desire. What sent me over the edge was Jay softly whispering against my ear, "Adam...". Lord, how I loved it when he whispered my name.

"Jay...backseat, right now..." I whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's notey...

Where I live in Michigan, it is currently snowing and blowing a blizzard. It has been snowing here nearly every day for the past weeks...in fact, now that I think of it, the snow started the day Christian won the NWA title for the second time...coincidence...?

Anyway, it has not only made me very happy, (I live for the winter months, I love the snow.) but it has provided me with much inspiration for what I am currently writing. I'm having a lot of fun writing this. Now we're getting to the good stuff, so enjoy!!!

"_In a friend you find a second self."_

_Isabelle Norton_

It felt cold, initially, the feeling of laying down against the backseat. I looked up at Jay, leaning over the top of me with that light in his eyes. I began to wonder how I had let Jay get on top of me. I wanted to be on top of him. Oh well, I was sure I would get my turn to tease him as he was now teasing me, using his lips against my collarbone. He slid his hands behind me and helped me take off my coat as I leaned up. Jay took off his too, throwing them into the front seat. He pulled my up gently by the arms, slowly taking off the two other shirts I had been wearing. The feeling of the cold air hitting my bare flesh was surprising, invigorating in a way. Jay looked down at me, smiling.

He took his time then, with my bare skin exposed. He laid kisses all along my neck, behind my ears, across my shoulders. "Jay..." I whispered to him as his hands made a trail from my hips up my now naked chest.

"Is it too cold, Adam?" he asked softly, almost toying with me. I took his gaze to mine, kissing him. "No," I finally said, "It's hot, Jay. So hot..." He laughed lightly as he replaced his lips against mine. His hands went up and down the length of my back softly over and over again as we kissed. I no longer cared if it was still snowing. I no longer cared that we were stranded on the side of the road. I no longer cared if we ever were found and were to make it home. I had what I had wanted, right here and right now. I had Jay. Nothing else mattered in this moment, just Jay.

Jay took one of the blankets and wrapped it around my back and shoulders, carefully. It was my turn now, my turn to bury my face in his neck. I kissed him in all the places he had kissed me, leaving my trail of kisses along his body. His skin was soft, hot to kiss.

I took my hands up under his shirt, touching the hot flesh of his torso, his chest for the first time. Jay sighed as his hands gripped my shoulders tightly. I took his earlobe between my lips, gently biting, sucking, tugging on it. "Adam..." he whispered out hard as I was nibbling on his ear. I stopped then, just looking up at him. He had his head tilted back slightly, his arms outstretched around me. He was gorgeous. He looked down at me with a knowing smirk on his face as he caught my lips again in a deep kiss.

I took the clothes off from Jay's upper body, throwing them into the front seat with the rest of the clothing we had shed. Jay wrapped a blanket around his shoulders as he had done for me. I leaned in to him, touching his bare skin with my palms. "Adam, I want you so much." he softly hissed into my ear as I left a light trail of bites along his neckline. "Lean back." he whispered as he gently pushed me back down against the seat. Jay leaned down, his bare skin touching mine, sending another round of hot feelings coursing through me. He lay over top of me, gently laying a trail of kisses all along my chest, his hands firmly planted on my hips. I groaned softly as he licked my skin between kisses. I could feel the heat, the throb of Jay's erection against my own. Jay had me hotter than I could ever remember being. I unbuttoned the top of his pants, slowly unzipping them. I let my hands open them up just slightly, my fingers touching the flesh just below his torso. He whispered my name again as I did so, and I could almost swear it got sweeter every time he said it.

Jay took my hands away then as he went further down my body. He kept right on kissing, licking his way down the length of my body. His hands held on to me tight, on either side of my hips. Jay held his cheek against my abdomen as he slowly took down my pants, pushing them down onto the floor. There was beginning to be less and less of a barrier between Jay and my cock. It was more than a turn on, but it also made me the littlest bit nervous.

Jay soon had me completely naked, having taken off my boxers too. His eyes shifted up to me, glancing at me. My head was rested against the door of the backseat, looking directly at him. "Adam..." he again whispered to me. I gave him an encouraging look, hoping that was what he was asking for when he whispered my name just then.

My soft, sharp moan echoed through the car as he took me in his hand for the first time. He continued to lay kisses, soft bites along my body. I had thought of this I don't know how many times over the past months, Jay touching my cock, taking it in his mouth. I never thought it would actually be real, though. As I looked down at him, it was more than real. He had the sweetest look across his face. He used his hand up and down several times over the length of me. I could feel something in my torso tighten, something inside of me turn around in circles with that feeling of Jay touching my cock.

He leaned down then, taking just the head of my cock between his lips. I sighed out loud with the smooth contact of Jay's sweet lips against me. He began slowly, just sucking and using his tongue to trace circles around the head of my cock. Jay took more and more of me in, slowly. He was using his tongue to caress just the right spot as he sucked on my cock, earning him my soft, easy moans of approval as he did so. I tilted my head back against the door, closing my eyes. I was quickly losing myself, all sense of reality for that matter, in what Jay was doing to me with his mouth.

Finally, after what seemed like a sweet, torturous amount of time, Jay took all of me in, my cock sliding easily into his hot mouth. I whimpered out in the darkness. He had me, he had me reduced to nothing but a puddle of arousal. That hot feeling was getting hotter and hotter with every up and down motion of his mouth over my cock. I could feel it building, starting out at my head and traveling all down through my legs. I brought my head back up to watch Jay as he continued on, sucking on me. He ran his hands up my chest, my own hands meeting his as he did so. I gently reached out and caressed his shoulders as he increased his sucking on my cock. I groaned out loudly. It was heavenly, watching Jay's head bob up and down on my cock. I didn't think I could take much more if he kept up like this. He was for sure going to make me explode.

I think in a way he knew he was headed on the right path to my orgasm because he increased his speed then, going faster as he sucked on me. It was all too much for me to take. My eyes flew tightly closed. My whimpers of approval and arousal became shorter and more frequent as I willed orgasmic pleasure to overtake my body. I began to feel dizzy as I could feel the orgasm building up in the pit of my stomach. I began to lift my hips up just slightly against Jay's movements as I could feel it coming. I cried out several times as I felt myself coming, right into his mouth.

Jay kept going, sucking up and down me several times before stopping. I leaned up and grabbed Jay by his shoulders, pulling him back up to face me. I kissed him, tasting the traces of the orgasm that I had just shared with him, that he had brought me to so gracefully.

After a few heated kisses, I decided that I wanted to waste no more time in taking my turn. I turned us over so that Jay was on the bottom. I knelt over him, feeling that heat, that throb still coming from his groin. I knew that he needed that same release that I had just gotten, and I wanted so badly to give it to him. I didn't want to waste any more time. I wanted to taste him as he had done me. I kissed a straight line down his chest to his still unbuttoned jeans. "Adam..." he whispered to me as I took off his pants. This time the whisper was different, it was less assured than the others had been. I looked at him as he spoke to me. "I don't know...should we...are you sure...Adam..." he slowly and shakily whispered out.

He had a look on his face of complete nervousness. "Jay, just relax." I whispered as I touched his shoulder. "Just let me..." I said as I took down his boxers.

He leaned back, I could feel him let out a heavy sigh as he did. I could feel the heat from his arousal as I kissed just below his bellybutton. _"That would be enough to keep anyone warm in a snowstorm." _I thought to myself.

The heat, the smell, just the presence of Jay's cock in front of me filled me with this desire. It was something like I had never felt before, yet a somewhat scary, uncertain feeling at the same time. The desire however, was a far more overpowering feeling than the feeling of uncertainty. I don't think I had ever realized what an overpowering feeling desire was until that moment.

I wanted this, I wanted Jay, so badly I could feel it deep down. I could feel it in the breath I took before gently reaching my lips out to take the head of Jay's hot cock into my mouth for the first time. I could feel it react at the slight jerk that his body made when I did so. I could feel it in my bones as I began to lick up and down the length of Jay's shaft. I could feel it in the moan that Jay had let out. I could feel it all around me. I could feel. I was feeling this desire as if for the first time.

I began to get this light headed feeling as I sucked up and down on Jay. It was almost as if this desire had gone straight to my head. I reached up underneath the blanket over Jay and used my hands on his torso to steady myself. Jay's hands locked with mine, tightly wrapping our hands together. He held on to them tightly as I continued.

I took just the head of his cock in my mouth and swirled my tongue around it, seeing what would happen. I earned another heated whisper of my name as my reward for having done so. There were moments when I felt as though I didn't know what I was doing, but then there were moments when Jay would squeeze my hands so tightly, I knew I had to have done something right.

I wanted this to last as long as possible, I wanted to prolong Jay's pleasure, but I also had this overwhelming urge to taste him. I selfishly wanted to make him cum, just for me. I increased my speed on his cock, sucking harder as I did. Jay moaned out little short heated moans similar to the ones I had remembered moaning when I could feel the orgasm coming.

Jay gripped my hands tightly. "Adam..." he whispered out seductively. He elicited a light moan from the back of my throat when he did so. I was ready for it, I wanted Jay's orgasm. I kept going at the steady pace I had been going at, hoping that I would soon be rewarded.

"Adam...Adam...oh, fuck!" Jay harshly whispered out at me. I didn't miss a beat as he did, his orgasm beginning to build. Jay whimpered out a few more times before I felt the heat of his orgasm spilling into my mouth. It burned onto my tongue and down my throat as I kept going at it, wanting to give him the best orgasm I could using my mouth.

When Jay had stopped coming, I used just my tongue to suck, lick at the head of his cock, trying to catch the last few drops, last remaining seconds of his orgasm between my lips. Jay let go of my hands then, touching my shoulders. "Adam...?" he whispered, almost sounding like a question to my ears.

I moved back up his body, pulling the blanket I was using to cover myself over the both of us. I laid my head down to rest in the space between Jay's shoulder and neck. Jay rubbed the back of my neck, whispering one more time, "Adam." This time it was almost a whisper of approval, appreciation.


	5. Chapter 5

"_Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anaïs Nin_

"Adam...I've waited for this for a long, long time." Jay whispered to me, breaking the somehow comforting, yet awkward silence that had been created between us. We had moved from the backseat to the front again. The backseat was a tad drafty since Jay had ripped apart the seat to get to the trunk.

We were laying there together, I think trying to come down, almost as if back to reality after what we had just done. I was happy that at least in all of this mess that Bertha had roomy, almost comfortable seats.

Jay was curled up against me. He was half next to me and half on top of me. He had his head laying on my shoulder and his arms wrapped around me. As chilly as it may have been outside, it felt warm laying next to Jay.

"You have, haven't you?" I asked him, resting my chin against his forehead. "It must have been hard, carrying that around with you all that time." I said. Jay remained silent there against me, so I went on. "I wouldn't know, I just started thinking about what it would be like. I haven't had to carry it around with me for as long as you have. I found it hard, most of all, confusing to be feeling the way I was about you. I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt for you."

Jay still lay there silent. "Jay, are you still with me?" I asked softly.

"Yeah. I was just enjoying listening, hearing the sound of your voice, I guess." he replied.

"I was actually trying to encourage you more than anything else, Jay." I said.

"Yeah," he said, taking a deep breath, "I know, Adam. I could tell. I just don't know how to answer you. I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure where to start. I don't know how to explain to you something that always has just seemed natural to me, what I felt was right."

"You can try, that's all I'll ask of you." I said, resting my head against his.

"I will, but the best I can do is just tell you how I felt. It'll probably come out in bits and pieces, out of order or jumbled up...but I want to share this with you. I want to tell you...I want to make you see...I want to make you feel..." Jay said as he traced a line up my stomach and to my heart. "feel what it is that I feel. Make you understand." My heart jumped as he held his hand there. I wondered if he could feel it. He expression on his face hadn't changed, so if he had felt it he didn't let on.

Jay holding his hand on my chest there, I felt as though it was warming up the area around my heart. As long as Jay could keep that warm, then I didn't care if the rest of me was cold.

"Jay we have plenty of time to talk about this. Right now, I guess, may not be the best of times. I won't push you. When you're ready, then I'll be ready too. Ready to listen. Ready to understand. But for now, I guess all we should be worried about is staying warm. I think we should try to get some sleep." I said, rubbing his shoulder.

"Yeah, that sounds good." he mumbled against me. He picked his head up and looked at me. "Adam...?" he began.

I ran my hand over the top of is head, asking "Yes?".

"I'm a little scared of this whole thing...I mean, of you and me, and well...just ...I'm a little scared is all." he stammered out.

"Don't be scared." I whispered as I kissed him. "You know me, you have nothing to be scared of with me." with that Jay gave me a satisfied grin and laid his head back down against me. I arranged an extra blanket over us to keep the body heat in and settled in beside Jay there in the front seat. This night had turned into a disaster quickly. At least we had managed to make something of it. Now if I could fall asleep, I'd be doing alright...

_Friday, February 9th, 1996_

The last thing I remembered when I awoke to the sound of banging at the car door was just having fallen asleep. I scrambled up, jolting Jay up with me. I opened the door to find an older man, all bundled up. "You boys alright? Looks like you had a nasty accident here."

"Yeah, we're fine. Thank god you found us." I commented.

"C'mon, let's get you boys into my warm van." he said.

Jay and I climbed out, the snow almost past our knees now. The man helped us get our bags out of the trunk. He drove us first to his house, a few miles down the road. I called a towing company to get my poor dead car out of the ditch and drag her back home. That was just an "I told you so!" type moment waiting to happen when Bertha arrived back home to mom. Oh well. She could have this one, at least I had tried, the way I looked at it.

Next I called mom to tell her what happened. As she went on with her speech about "I knew it..." and "Adam, I tried to tell you..." I listened to Jay and the old man talking over coffee.

"Yeah, you boys were smart, putting yourselves together like that to pool your body heat. Sometimes you just gotta do things like that in order to survive." he said.

'Yes sir, you do." Jay said, hiding what I knew must have been a mischievous smirk behind a sip of coffee. I snickered into the phone, one of the biggest mistakes I could have made in that moment.

"ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME, ADAM COPELAND?" mom literally screamed through the phone.

"No, mom. I wasn't laughing at you!" I retreated.

The older man then brought us to our original destination, our wrestling buddy Nick's house. "Guys, what the hell?" he asked us as he opened the door. "You're like...eighteen hours late."

"Long story...I don't want to discuss it right now, Nick. I just want a HOT shower." I said, putting my bags down.

"Well, I love to tell stories." Jay began. "You see, Adam bought this car, her name was Bertha..."

Jay's smug tone of voice trailed off as I walked to the bathroom. "...right into the FUCKING TREE!!!..." was the last thing I heard him say as I closed the door behind me and took off all of my clothes. I sighed as I turned the water on and let it run until it was good and steaming hot. As I got into the shower and pulled the curtain, the cold that I had felt slowly melted away. The thought struck me as I stood there underneath the hot stream of water that we hadn't even asked for that old man's name. I was grateful he had found us, brought us here.

I was also grateful in a way that I had hit that tree. It sounded awful, saying that in my head, but it was true. Nothing that happened last night would have ever happened had I not gotten us into that accident. "Thanks, Bertha." I said as I rinsed myself off. "You were a good girl."


	6. Chapter 6

_"Nothing is more beautiful than you wearing only the moonlight and my kisses."_

I sat on a bench in the locker room of the high school we wrestled in that night, sore as could be. I wanted this more than anything, to be a wrestler. There were some nights though, when I had to stop and reevaluate why. I would never give up, don't get me wrong. I am a very headstrong, determined individual. What I set my mind to is what I do. But there are moments when the pain, the soreness, the travel, just in general the toll that all of this takes on me is just too much. It is only human, I think, to have a moment of weakness every now and then.

We had been paid a whopping thirty five dollars each tonight for our efforts. If anyone ever asked me what my heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears, dedication, all of my hard work, what they were worth...that would have to be my answer...thirty five dollars. Oh, and a gym mat to sleep on for the night. I had to remember that it was better than nothing and that some nights we didn't even get paid.

I sighed and rubbed my temples as I told myself over and over again, "_It's all worth it, it's all worth it..." _My whole self-motivational thought process was interrupted by Jay, leaning down from behind me and saying, "Adam...are you going to take a shower before we eat, or what?"

I was so lost in my own world of thought I had temporarily forgotten that there were any other human beings in the room, Jay included. "Huh?" I said feebly, raising my head up.

Jay just smiled and laughed at me. "Adam, you can be such a space-out sometimes! Talk about a dumb blonde..." he said as he walked off to get dressed. I just watched him walking away. A few weeks, hell, maybe days ago I would have made some quick comeback to his joke. I had however been deterred by the sight of Jay wearing nothing but a towel and that smile he had given me. Maybe, if my deterrer hadn't looked so good wearing both of those things, then I would have had a fast comeback. I didn't even bother to open my mouth, I knew that there were no words to come out of it. I watched as Jay leaned over, using a towel to dry off his hair. He looked so sexy like that. All of the muscles in his arms, his back were defined as he rubbed the towel across his scalp.

After a few minutes I had more than enough. I had to get up and get in the shower. Sitting here on this bench watching Jay's body all night wouldn't get me anywhere. Besides, I didn't want any of the other guys who were sitting around in the locker room with us to notice me admiring him. I wasn't exactly embarrassed, no, that wasn't what I would have called it. I think this feeling I had was more like a feeling of...apprehension. Yeah, that sounds better. I was apprehensive.

While I was sure there were guys that were gay, maybe even some of them that had messed around with another man on occasion, I was sure that it probably wouldn't go over in a good way if someone noticed me staring at Jay like that. It wouldn't go down in an easy way, that was sure.

The way I saw it right now, I was still very nervous. I was a bit shook up by all of the things that had happened over the last twenty four hours. I was sure Jay was too. It wasn't an easy thing, by any means. We had shared something with each other that I don't think either one of us thought we ever would. I was pretty sure that neither one of us were prepared for it.

Well, maybe Jay had been. I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. He had been feeling this way for so long. It was amazing to me. The things I was feeling, was thinking, the assumptions I was making today about all of this were still one sided though. I had to remember that. I had no idea what Jay was thinking or feeling about this. We had only talked shortly last night before falling asleep. I had sensed that he wasn't ready to talk about how and why he felt the way he did. I backed off, just thinking that we would have plenty of time, lots of opportunities to talk about it in the future.

I was a patient man when it came to certain aspects of life. I could wait for the mailman to come and deliver to me. I could wait for a red light to change to green. I could spend time, pay my dues working on the indie wrestling scene while I had to. I just couldn't see my patience being stretched out very far when it came to my best friend of many years kissing me out of the blue. I was hoping that maybe tonight we could have a discussion about it, maybe that Jay would be a little more open.

After we had all eaten, we sat at long cafeteria tables talking. Sometimes, there would be some bigger name guys at the shows we did. They would sometimes stand up on the ends of the tables and give us speeches. I enjoyed this very much, getting to hear them talk. Telling us about their experiences in this industry that I so loved was inspiring to me in a great many ways. I soaked up everything like a sponge. Every match, training session, all the critique, I used it all and remembered it.

Tonight though, it was just _us,_as I liked to refer to the group as. A bunch of guys that I was growing familiar with on the indie scene. There were lots of guys from here in Canada, some guys that had traveled up here from the northwest part of the states, and a bunch of guys from Michigan. We all got along together, were friendly when we traveled as a group.

Usually Jay and I traveled together with either our buddy Nick and a couple of other guys. One of them was a guy named Terry Gerin. We had met him on a show in the states. He was a bigger, more powerful guy and we asked him if he wanted to come up to Canada with us once in a while and do some shows. He was glad to have been asked and was traveling with us on this weekend run. Terry was a lot like us. Upbeat, fun, sarcastic, positive attitude.

Terry stood up on his chair, feeling inspired I guess, to give us a little speech of his own. "Guys...hey! Everybody shut up for a minute!" he began. Jay was seated next to me. I could hear him laugh a little as Terry was talking. "This is what it's all about. This is why I want to become a professional wrestler. Traveling the world, wrestling in front of crowds of thousands, hearing them cheer of boo the hell out of you. I know that we might seem far off from all of that now...but it will come. I know it will. Not just for me, but I think for a great many of us. I hope that someday I might see some of your faces when I get into the big leagues. And when I do make it...I'm going to buy every one of my buddies here tonight a beer!" he yelled.

We laughed at Terry and his little "inspirational" speech. Jay stood up, cheering and whistling at Terry along with a few other guys. I guessed that as long as I had good people like these around me while I was working on building a career for myself that it wouldn't be so bad.

Some of the group left, traveling on to do other shows over the weekend. There were about eighteen or twenty of us left to sleep in the cafeteria that night. I had already earlier picked out a spot for myself and for Jay in what had felt like a warm corner of the room. I spread out our sleeping bags and blankets next to one another. Jay and I would usually sleep beside each other when we were out on the road traveling, so it would seem odd to none of the other guys. I just hoped that we would be able to have enough privacy to talk once everyone else was asleep.

The rest of the night I was walking on proverbial eggshells. I just wanted everyone to go to sleep so that I could have Jay all to myself, or at least what would seem like all to myself. I glanced over at Jay, now sitting a few seats away from me. He sat with his elbow on the table, his palm holding up his chin. He had a thoughtful look on his face as he listened to one of the fellow wrestlers he was chatting with. The sleeve of his grey sweatshirt kept creeping down his arm as he sat there and every few minutes he would pull it back up to where it had been. It seemed cute to me, this little thing that he was doing. That was just Jay.

I got up out of my seat, sighing as I did so. My body was still sore. Sleeping on an old gym mat on the floor wouldn't help any either. I wandered over to the window, looking out at the still falling snow. I wondered if it was ever going to end. It sure as hell wasn't making this trip any easier for any of us.

Finally most of the guys started to retire to their spots on the floor to sleep for the night. I lay underneath my sleeping bag reading a book. Jay came to lay down beside me not long after I had laid down. I peered over at him from the top of my book. He couldn't see it,but I was smiling. "What?" he asked as he laid on his back, pulling a blanket over himself.

"Nothing." I mumbled into page 49. I smiled. I held the book there as if I was reading it, but I was actually watching the captivating creature beside me. He was just laying there, staring up at the ceiling. Jay had one arm behind his head and the other resting on his chest. It went up and down along with the rise and fall created by each breath he took. He had his hand curled up into a fist as it was resting there. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking, but I didn't want to ruin this moment of voyeurism I had going for me by asking. His eyes opened and closed slowly as whatever it was passed through his mind. I like to think that it was me that was making his eyes move so slowly. I guess I'll never really be sure, though.

When the last few guys to bed turned the lights down I put my book away and slumped down underneath my sleeping bag and covers. I bunched up my pillow and rested my head down into it so that I was facing in Jay's direction. I had thought about pulling our sleeping bags closer together before he laid down, but I didn't want to seem too obvious.

Jay was still just laying there on his back, looking upwards. I thought maybe he was tracing patterns on the ceiling or possibly that there was a bug up there that was keeping him so amused that he didn't break the heavy gaze he was using to stare up there. Either way, it was sexy. There was a shadow on his cheek, just sitting there. I could faintly see his eyes there in the dark, he was still blinking that slow thoughtful blink. It was funny how he could hold such a deep look on his face when I knew what a really simple thinker he could be at times. He was probably thinking of new zingers to insult me with when the right moments came.

I tucked my arm away underneath my pillow and tried to settle in. I wanted to wait long enough for most everyone to have fallen asleep before I made any kind of move. Jay shifted then, bringing both of his arms up over his head. He stretched out the rest of his body, the t-shirt he had been wearing to sleep in moving up just enough as he did to show a little bare, uncovered skin between the bottom of his shirt and his pajama bottoms. I just stared at it, wanting to reach over and touch it, let my lips trace a line straight across the expanse of that little bit of bare belly.

With no more book to hide behind he must have felt me looking over at him. He turned his head slowly so that he was looking over at me. I looked up at him, catching his gaze. "You like what you see, Adam...?" he slowly whispered out just loud enough for us to hear.

"_Shit, I've been caught!"_ I cursed to myself. And I had tried to be so sneaky. Oh well. I doubted he cared that I had been looking. In fact, that pleased grin on his face said that he was happy that I had. "I do." I replied. Jay let out the smallest laugh at my answer. "I want more." I whispered.

Jay reached out one of his hands, shaking a finger at me. "Not here." he told me as I felt a slight bit of discouragement coming into my hopes. I settled my head down into my pillow, wanting to be angry at the fact that Jay wouldn't be open to a discussion or anything else while we were here with all of our fellow wrestlers. I laid there for about ten minutes or so before I looked back over at Jay. He was still just laying there, that thoughtful look on his face. His eyes were wide open, staring at me. "Jay..." I began to whisper.

Jay just put his finger over his mouth to shush me. I wanted to protest, but I didn't. Jay leaned up, still holding his gaze on me. He sat all the way up, whispering "Over there..." as he pointed his arm out into the darkness. I leaned up on my elbows and followed the line of Jay's arm to a hallway just past the cafeteria door. I looked up at him. He smiled down at me. "Count to a hundred and meet me there." Jay said as he began to get up, gathering up his things.

"Jay, what is this? Hide and go seek?" I joked.

He leaned into me, whispering, "No. Just start counting." I watched him walk carefully, on his tip-toes, through the cafeteria, being mindful of where he stepped so not to wake anyone up. I wasn't sure I could be that graceful. I sighed. As silly as this all seemed, I started counting. _"One, two, three..." _What the hell was Jay doing? All I really wanted to do was talk a little and then maybe have a little make-out session here on the floor. _"...fifteen, sixteen, seventeen..."_ I hoped that once I got up, I could find him. _"...twenty two, twenty three, twenty four..."_

At seventy eight, I started gathering up my bedding. I crept slowly through the sea of men sleeping on the floor. Just when I thought I was free, I heard my buddy Nick's voice. "Adam...where are you going?" he asked. I looked down at him, cursing him for having to sleep so close to the door.

"Trying to find someplace warmer." I said, passing him by.

"Oh." he said. "Don't get lost...and don't forget to wake up in the morning...we have to be on the road by no later than seven if we want to get to the afternoon show on time..." he said sleepily.

"Yeah, got it Nick." I said as I left the room. I peered down the hallway Jay had pointed out. It was dark, I could barely see. I walked slowly down the hallway. I glanced into the first couple of rooms, they were classrooms, small ones. I looked down the hallway, wondering if I should call out Jay's name or not. I walked all the way to the end of the hallway and was relieved to see Jay standing in the doorway to one of the last rooms. He stood there, his arm propping him against the door frame.

"C'mon." he whispered as he stepped aside. I walked in, dropping my things down on the floor beside his. Jay closed and locked the door behind me, pulling the shade down on the window of the door. It struck me as odd that a classroom would have a lock, but I was thankful that it did. Jay walked over to where I was standing. I noticed that it was really warm, looking around. There was a heating vent beside the window. I let my hand pass over the top, feeling the warmth coming out. This was so much better than the drafty old cafeteria.

Jay brushed past me, saying softly "Why don't you do something with our sleeping bags and blankets...make us a suitable place to...sleep." I grinned at him. I did what he asked of me. Jay walked over to the windows of the classroom, pulling up the shades of all of them. I looked around after I had made us up a little bed for the night. I noticed that Jay must have moved the desks around before I had come in. I smiled at the thought of him doing something like this for me.

I got up off of the floor, looking up at what Jay had done. There was now light flooding into the room from the way Jay had opened up the shades on all the windows. I couldn't tell if it was just the way the snow looked in the night time, or if it was the moon reflecting off of it, but it had created an immense amount of light for us. Jay walked behind me, coming to stand behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist. Jay held his head against my back as he asked me "How does it look?"

"It's beautiful." I whispered. It really was. More than that, though, it was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for me. "Jay...you didn't have to do this..." I began to say.

"Yes I did, Adam. I knew that I couldn't be alone with you any other way. While you were in the shower earlier, I went looking around. This is what I found. I figured that nobody would even notice we were gone, anyway." he said as he put his chin up on top of my shoulder. I smiled.

"Thank you, Jay." I said as I closed my hands over his. "I was hoping just to be able to have a whispered conversation with you once everyone went to sleep tonight, maybe steal a few kisses in the dark before we went to sleep. This is more than I expected. I never thought of anything like this." I said.

"Now you won't have to steal the kisses..." Jay said, turning me around to face him. "...or anything else, for that matter." he finished as he held on to my body, pressing it with his own. I caught his lips between mine and held them there in a deep, hungry kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

_"A friend is always good to have, but a lover's kiss is better than angels raining down on me."_

_-Dave Matthews_

The snow that had been the main cause of our downfall last night had been subdued to just a few flakes here and there falling freely from the sky and cascading down as Jay and I stood there in that classroom together. I was behind Jay now, holding him. "Look at that, Jay, out there." I whispered to him. I liked this, the feeling I was letting overtake me just then. I stood behind Jay with our bodies pressed together. I had my face beside his neck, just taking in everything that made him _him_.****I let my lips gently press against the soft skin of his neck. I felt how strong he was as I held him to me. I noticed the way his hair smelled, the way his eyelashes fluttered when he blinked, and now as he spoke, I could feel the words as they came out vibrating in his throat as I kissed there.

"It looks so peaceful." he said slowly. My hands made their way up the front of his shirt as he spoke. "Adam, what happens when we get back home, once this weekend is over?" he asked me.

"What do you mean, Jay? We go back home, like always." I said, moving my lips from his neck long enough to have a real conversation.

"That's just it, Adam. It's not going to be just like always anymore. Tell me that anything will ever be like it was again after last night?" he challenged me.

"No, they won't." I said, swallowing hard as I thought about what the right words were to use. "But whatever may come, I'm sure we can handle it. We've been friends for more than a decade, Jay. I think it'll take a hell of a lot to break this bond that we have."

"I know that, Adam. That's not what I mean exactly." he said as he held my arms, wrapped around him. "I'm talking about the details, the little and then the not so little details both. The repercussions that comes with something like this..." he said slowly. I guess if I were pouring my heart out like Jay was doing right now I would have wanted to pick my words slowly too. "Adam, what I'm trying to tell you is that I want you and I to be different once we get home. I want the relationship I have with you to be different. I want to be with you, it's what I have wanted since we were teenagers. I want you and I to be together. I...I'm in love with you, Adam...and..."

This was what I had wanted. I had wanted Jay to open up, I had wanted him to explain to me how he felt. If this was what I wanted, then why was it making me so nervous? Why did I not know what to say? Why did I feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden? "Shhh." I whispered to him.

"No, Adam, I won't shhh." he said, annoyed. "I have longed for you for years. I have wanted you for as long as I understood what it meant to want another human being. Now it's only fair that if you don't feel the same way, or you can't feel the same way, that you tell me right now." he said, turning around to face me quickly. I could see the expressiveness in his eyes when they met mine. "I'll understand if you reject me, I'll understand if you tell me that you can't be with me, I'll more than understand if you tell me that you don't think you could ever love me. I know that this must be new for you, only having just thought of me in any way that was more than your best friend, your brother. I know how I feel and I have for longer than I care to remember. I love you." he said taking a deep breath. "But, having said all of that, I will never be able to understand if you think you could feel any of those things that I mentioned and not tell me right here and right now." he finished as he crossed his arms over his chest.

I blinked and opened my eyes to gaze at Jay, standing there in the light that was pouring in from outside. He had me stuck. I was less than ready for my best friend to tell me that he was in love with me. Last night was a sharing of physicality, of emotions that I never thought we would exchange. But this was heavier than anything I had ever felt, heavier than anything that had ever been placed upon me. He just stood there, waiting for me to speak.

How could I tell him I was in love with him? I didn't know if I was in love with him or not. I didn't even know what being in love was. I had never been. I knew that I loved Jay, that I cared about him as if he were my blood, my real brother. I knew that I would do anything in this world for him. I knew that he looked like a god standing there in that light.

See, now where did that come from? Were those the kinds of thoughts you had about someone you were in love with? How the hell did I know? I knew that I desired Jay, that I had come to feel this certain want, need for him. I knew that the feeling of his body with mine was one of the sweetest things I had ever felt, sweeter than with any woman I had ever been with, but how the hell was I supposed to know how to tell if I was in love with him? I had no idea what it felt like to secretly be lusting after your best friend for years upon years. I had not the slightest clue what it was that had made Jay fall in love with me. I didn't know anything but that I didn't want to hurt him.

Over these past six or so months, I had felt the desire to kiss him. I had felt the need to reach out and touch him. I had seen the way his eyes lit up in certain moments and it made me feel a deeper appreciation for him, for all that he was. The only problem was that I had no idea what drove me to think or feel this way. I had no idea if I could ever fall in love with my best friend.

He was in love with me. I couldn't tell him that I was in love with him. I wasn't, at least I didn't think so. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't in love with him either, it would probably break his heart. I looked at him again, still standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. The expectant look on his face had faded into a more soft look as he stood there just waiting for me. "Adam...?" he whispered.

I choked, I panicked, I did every cliché thing that someone in a tight situation like this one does. I did what I thought was the best thing for me to do in that moment. I told a half lie. I reached out and touched my hands to his face, pulling him in to embrace me. "I do love you, Jay. You know I love you." I said slowly as he laid his head on my shoulder.

I felt his sigh escaping as he said to me softly, "I want you and I to be together when we get home, I mean really be together. As a couple."

"Okay." I whispered as I closed my eyes. "Whatever you want, Jay. We can be together...just you and me." I said as I hugged him to me more tightly. I hadn't made a complete lie. I only had half lied. I did love Jay, right behind my mother he was the person I loved most in this world. I didn't know what being in love meant, that was true. But I thought that maybe if I tried, I could learn. I began to think, as I stood there just wrapped up in Jay and him wrapped up in me that if Jay and I were compatible enough to be best friends, brothers in life, then how hard could it be to be in love with each other? I could learn to do it, at least I would try.

I hated to even half lie to Jay. It tore me up that I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him yes, that I was in love with him with as much conviction in my voice as he had possessed when he told me earlier. It hurt to lie, but I thought that it would have hurt a hell of a lot more right then to tell him that I wasn't in love. So, I didn't.

Jay looked up at me, connecting his eyes with mine. I had to smile. Jay was beautiful. He was just a beautiful creature. He smiled at me, bringing his face up closer to mine. "I love you, Adam. I do. I have for a long time. I never thought I would stand here with you like this and have the opportunity to tell you though." he said, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and locking them together.

I just smiled down at him then, not knowing how else to answer those words that had just come literally flowing out of his heart and into my head.

The bluest parts of his eyes sparkled up at me, smiling at me. "Kiss me, Jay." I said, not wanting to talk anymore. I wanted nothing more than to spend the remainder of the night just getting completely lost in Jay's body and vice versa. Maybe it would help to fade away the lingering weight of those words we had spoken.

In the least, that feeling of the softness of Jay's lips against mine was helping me to push all of those thoughts to the back of my mind for the time being. I wrapped my arms around his waist once again and held him to me tightly. We stood there kissing and caressing each other, letting out lips and hands explore each other. Jay had the softest, hottest mouth that I had ever had the privilege to kiss. It drove me insane, the feeling of his lips taking my bottom lip and softly gliding over it, over and over again. When I finally could no longer take it, I gently pushed apart from out kiss, looking at Jay up and down with what I was sure must have been a devilish, needy smile.

"I want to see you." I whispered to him, "All of you." Jay smiled softly at me. He knew what I wanted just from the simple, short explanation I had given him.

Jay kept his eyes locked on to mine as he leaned down and first took off his socks, throwing them off to the side. I kept that same needy smile plastered across my face as I gazed at him. After taking a few steps back from me, he next reached down and slowly pulled his shirt up over his chest, eventually pulling it all the way over his head. When it was gone, he had exposed to me the beautiful expanse of his chest, his abs, his shoulders. I didn't think there was any way that he could have shown his upper body to any human being and not leave them wanting to touch, kiss, lick, in the least lay their head against it. He was beautiful, a gorgeous build of lean muscles, defined arms and strong shoulders.

The results of that shirt being thrown aside made something inside of me tighten, sort of come alive with desire. He had me captivated. I needed more, I needed the whole picture.

I waited patiently for him to put his hands into the band of his pajama bottoms, pushing them down just far enough with his fingertips to expose the perfection of the definition, the cuts of his lower abdominal muscles. He looked down at his stomach and then back up at me slowly. He smiled at me happily. He knew he had me right where he wanted me. "Is this what you want, Adam?" he asked me as he pushed them down just a tad bit more. He was just teasing me now. He was toying with me because he knew he could. Because he knew I wanted it, I wanted it badly.

I slowly got down on my hands and knees and crawled over to where he stood, all the while never taking my eyes off of his. "Adam..." he heatedly whispered my name down at me.

I placed my head against the bareness of his lower abs, saying softly against his skin, "If you're not going to take it off...then I'll just do it myself." I kissed across his stomach as I pulled off his pajama bottoms, bringing him finally to the completely naked state that I had requested of him.

I stopped the kiss, leaning back. I held him by the hips as I looked him up and down. From the long blonde hair on top of his head down to his strong, lean legs, I loved everything I saw. He was a vision of unbridled desire there naked before me. I leaned back, just taking in the sight of him there before me for a few sweet moments. I was soon taken in by the sight of his half erect cock just inches away from me. I wanted him. I wanted him like crazy, and I was going to take him. I continued my path of kisses across his stomach and as I did he asked me softly "You like what you see, Adam?"

"Of course I do, Jay." I whispered, gently biting at the sides of his torso. "You're so sexy." I said lustfully. I trailed my kisses slowly downward, kissing along his hipbones, sending light kisses along his outer thighs. "Adam..." he said sweetly as I kissed closer and closer to that hot, rigid cock of his.

No, I didn't know what love was, what it meant. But if it was anything like this feeling that I had with Jay standing before me in all of his naked glory, then I could fall into it far more easily than I had ever dreamed. I prayed this was how it felt, because this was a feeling I never wanted to end, that I was sure of.


	8. Chapter 8

_"Hoping, wanting, dreaming of night with you. Come ... let's take this journey together, where ecstasy is not a word, but a reality."_

"Adam!" Jay yelped my name out sharply as I took his cock into my mouth. I wanted to use my tongue and my lips to tease him as he had teased me just a few minutes ago by taking his clothes off at such a_ leisurely _pace. I began to taste him slowly, easily taking most of him into my mouth. I could feel him harden and stiffen even further against my manipulations. I may not have known what being in love felt like, but I sure as hell knew what lust felt like as I held it in my mouth. Maybe I wasn't able to say I had fallen in love with Jay, but I surely now could recognize the signs of having fallen into lust.

Right now those signs were showing...at least I could feel them coming through. The feeling of my own erection growing as Jay's came to rage into full hardness in the back of my throat. The rumble of the moan that began in that same spot the head of his cock had been and escaping my lips. That certain light headed feeling you could only get from a heightened sense of arousal. Those short, nearly pleading gasps coming from the beautiful mouth of the man above me that I was currently worshiping with all of my worth.

I had wanted for Jay to come in my mouth again, but he must have had other ideas as he whispered to me"...Ad...Adam...stop...". He gripped my shoulders and helped me pull myself up from my position on my knees before him.

"Why did you stop me, Jay?" I asked softly as my lips found that hot little pulse in the crook of his neck and kissed. "I wanted to keep going until you came for me." I finished between kisses.

Jay slowly let his head fall back into my hand as I continued kissing along his neck and collarbone. "I...I wanted to...to see you, Adam. The same...same way I showed you." he breathlessly pleaded out under my barrage of kisses and licks.

I stopped with the completion of that statement, grinning widely into the spot on his neck I had just been kissing. "Really?" I asked slowly.

Jay ran his hands up my back as he said "Really. It's your turn, Adam." I looked him in the eye, being greeted with a hazy, lustful gaze as I did. "You going to take it off for me, Adam...?" he asked sweetly as he brushed his lips against mine, our noses touching.

I surely didn't have to be asked twice to remove my clothes. Jay took me by the hand whispering "Over here." as he led us over to the bed I'd made for us on the floor. Jay sat down, stretching his legs out in front of him and reclining back on his elbows, his erection still jutting upwards.

I had thought this was going to be an easy task but as Jay's inquisitive eyes stared right through me, I found it more and more difficult. It sounded simple enough, take off all your clothes. Easy, right? When there's a sexy naked blonde watching you, it becomes more complicated than all of that.

I took a deep breath then, trying to calm myself. After all, this was just Jay that I was stripping my clothes off for!

Wait...had I really just thought that? Maybe when this weekend was over I needed to have my head examined.

I shook my head, trying to get any and all thoughts to leave my mind except for the thought of Jay and I here and now. "Adam?" he whispered. It was all of the prompting I needed.

I was not planning on being quite so coy about taking off what I was wearing. I felt the desire inside of me growing faster and faster as I stared down at Jay there on the floor, just watching and waiting for me. I didn't have any time to spare, I wanted him. I was quickly rid of my clothes and down on the floor with Jay once again. I climbed over him, putting one knee on either side of his body and slowly letting myself ease down so that our erections pressed together. Jay sighed as he laid his head against my shoulder. "You sure didn't waste any time, did you?" he asked.

"I want you too badly to waste our time right now, Jay." I said, easing his face towards me and taking his lips against mine. He parted them for me and we let our tongues play together. We made circles around each other's tongues, letting them gently slide together in the most erotic of ways to kiss. Jay held on to me tightly, his hands firmly planted on my hips. Here we were, completely nude together, kissing, our arousals meeting, touching. I could not think of a more sensual position to have been in. I felt so close to him right now. The moment was becoming so intimate. Sharing this with Jay was more pleasurable than I had ever imagined it would be when I had thought of it in the past. His kiss, his touch, just the erotic nature of it all blew away what now seemed like simple fantasies I had entertained about Jay and I kissing each other.

"Jay..." I whispered as we stopped our kiss. I put my hands in his hair and looked at his face, a complete look of bliss across it. I'm sure that mine looked similar. Jay leaned in and kissed along my neckline as he reached down between us and took my cock in his hand. He started at the base and slowly slid his hand up to the tip. I felt all of my breath being released as it slowly hissed out from between my now clenched teeth. I wondered if I would ever be able to catch it again as Jay once more slid his hand upwards on my cock. Fuck it, I didn't really care if I ever regained my breath as long as Jay never stopped what he was doing to my cock. I hadn't even realized that I had closed my eyes until they flew open, Jay just staring at me. He smiled up at me, never stopping the deliberately slow stroking of my length. "Jay..." I hissed out.

"What, Adam...?" he whispered to me, taking my lips in a light kiss. It had surprised me, that statement. "How does it feel?" he boldly asked, looking me in the eye as his hand moved up again.

I was at a loss for words. I didn't know how to answer. There were about a thousand adjectives that could have described what Jay was currently making me feel. All I could manage to gasp out was "Fuck...Jay..." as I wrapped my arms around him, laying my head on his shoulder.

"On your back.." Jay lightly whispered as he changed our positions. This time when I opened my eyes there was Jay's face above mine. He quickly dipped his head down, kissing me. Jay gently positioned himself over me so that his cock was just inches away from my own. I could feel now how hard he was as his cock rested against my hip, letting a drop of moisture fall onto my skin. It drove me wild, to know that I had him that turned on. I smiled to myself as Jay broke our kiss and began to travel down the length of my body. H stopped to kiss softly in the exact center of my chest before taking each one of my nipples into his mouth and gently sucking on them until they were harder than I thought they could ever be.

He next licked his way straight down my chest, sending a chill through the core of me as he did so. He came back up then, taking my lips into another heated kiss. I gently arched my hips upwards slightly, finally again feeling Jay's erection brush against mine. Jay broke the kiss, as he did I let out a short moan. He looked down at me, smiling. "Is this what you want, Adam?" he asked. He looked me dead in the eye as he lowered his hips to mine, letting our hardness of our erections touch. I arched my hips at the contact of the heat of his cock against mine. "Jay..." I said, out of breath once again, "...I need you." I finally managed to gasp out.

He smiled down at me still, his face almost glowing in the light. "You need me?" he teased as he again lowered his hips to my groin, letting out a small gasp of his own as he did so.

"Fuck...yes..." I said as our cocks slid together between us. I pressed my head against the pillow beneath me, whispering out "Please...".

Jay broke the contact of our cocks, easing himself further down my body. He stopped just near my cock, asking playfully as he glanced up at me, "Is this what you want, Adam...?". Jay took the head of my cock between his lips and used his tongue to tease me mercilessly.

"Fuck!" I swore out sharply. I let out a high moan as he slowly took more of me between his lips, into the hot softness of his mouth. I raised my hips up, just off of the floor to meet his mouth's movements. "Jay." I whispered out softly. It felt euphoric, the feeling of his suction on my cock. I wanted to come right then and there, to let my release happen, but I also wanted to hold out. What Jay was doing to me felt just too good to have it end so abruptly.

Jay held on to the base of my cock as he used his tongue to trace soft little lines up and down the length of me. I moaned out the breath I had been holding in as he did so, clenching both of my fists against the blankets. I couldn't remember ever having felt this hard. Jay took me back and forth in his mouth again, the soft sucking sounds that were made as he did so just made me more turned on by what he was doing to me.

Then Jay stopped, out of nowhere. I let out a short little moan of upset as his mouth left contact with my cock, leaving it raging hard and wet from sucking on it like he had. He moved up my body then, once more kissing the center of my chest. I whispered out his name questioningly, "Jay...?" as I looked down at him, his eyes closed as he kissed my skin.

He looked up at me, smiling that smile that it seemed he only could smile for me. "Adam, I want you. I want to know how it would feel to have you inside me." he said as he leaned up and kissed my neck, raising himself up onto his knees. "Will you let me?" he asked sweetly as he gently bit at my shoulder.

I didn't know how to process what Jay was asking of me. He wanted me to fuck him? I can't say this hadn't crossed my mind, but I knew that I wasn't ready for something like this yet. It was far too soon. That was much too intense of an act to be sharing together. I let my lips part to speak, but all that came out was my breath as I looked up at Jay. I watched him as he sat up, leaning back slightly as he came to rest above me on his knees. Our cocks were once again touching. He leaned his head back slightly as he rocked his hips against mine, letting our cocks slide smoothly together. I sighed out softly, wanting to give some sort of protest, yet unable to.

I looked up at him looking down at me, probably waiting for some sort of answer, a sign that it was okay to continue. Jay's face was an expression of pure desire as he hotly whispered down to me, "Please, Adam. I...I need it...I need you...please...Adam..." His words turned me on something wicked as he once again lowered his hips against my own. I moaned then, looking up at him. I knew that this was all moving too fast, that I wasn't ready to share something like this yet with him. But looking up at him, damn he was sexy. The long, lean line of his body there just hovering over me, his hips firmly planted against mine. He was gorgeous, that I couldn't deny. I couldn't help but feel the spark of desire that was created as I thought of myself inside of him.

How could I tell him no? I can't honestly say that I didn't want to learn the way it felt to be inside of Jay, but I just didn't know if this was the right time. I was still...apprehensive. There was that word again. It was just all to much to be thinking about during this moment, but luckily, Jay took all of the thought out of it for me.

Jay moved his body up slightly, taking my cock in his hand once more. I groaned as he did, knowing what was going to happen. I wanted to stop him, but I couldn't. I wanted it even though I was unsure. I couldn't deny that I wanted Jay, no matter how hard I may try. He licked the palm of his hand, reaching down and wetting my cock once more.

I reached out to him and held on to his hips. I knew that I was holding on more for my benefit than for anything else. Jay slowly eased my cock so that just the tip was at the entrance of his ass. I closed my eyes, thinking that I should hold my breath, but deciding that maybe it would be better if I didn't. I might just be needing it soon. Jay reached up to my face, gently caressing my chin with his fingertips. "Adam..." he whispered as he did. I knew what he wanted, he wanted me to open my eyes. He wanted me to watch him. I knew, even though he hadn't asked. He didn't need to ask, I opened my eyes for him.

I watched as Jay slowly eased just the tip of my erection inside of him, gently. He was now the one with the closed eyes as he achingly slowly eased his hips down just a bit further. The feeling for me was indescribable. The tightness and heat was something that I couldn't wrap my mind around, couldn't comprehend. I looked on as Jay let his head fall back in pleasure as he pushed his hips down gently so that he was almost all the way down on my cock. I moaned out to him, saying his name as I did.

I held on to him tightly, gripping his sides as he let his hips move the rest of the way down so that he had all of me inside of him. Only then did he open his eyes as he groaned with pleasure. I propped myself up on my elbows, softly saying his name once again, "Jay..." as I reached out and let my hands touch his chest.

"Adam...feels so good..." he moaned as he touched my hands with his. I caressed up and down the sides of his body as he moved, raising his hips up slowly. I threw my head back as he did, sending a hot throbbing feeling through my entire body as he began to move on my cock. The first few rocks of his hips were slow. That tight feeling of being inside of him was like nothing else that I had ever experienced before. I could feel my whole body tensing as he continued, now moving just slightly faster.

I picked my head up, looking at Jay. His eyes were closed, his face tense, his lips parted as he was fucking me ever so slowly now. "Fuck...Jay." I moaned out into the otherwise empty room. I leaned up, putting my hands around Jay to rest on the small of his back. He moved faster, his body moving up and down on my cock. I was still just watching him. It was beautiful, the sight of Jay enjoying the feeling of me being deep inside of him as much as I was enjoying it. Jay's moans of pleasure filled the room as I began to move my hips to meet his thrusts. I held on to his hip with one hand and with the other I stroked his strained hardness. "Adam!" he moaned to me as I did. The sound of him moaning my name sent me over the edge. I met his every thrust with one of my own as we both picked up the pace. Jay locked his hands around my neck, bringing my face to his for a heated kiss.

I held on to Jay's hips as he gently sucked on my neck while still moving against me. It was all too much for me. That feeling of tightness that was his ass wrapped around my cock. Jay's lips as they brushed against my skin. His body pressed tightly against my own. I was going to explode from all of this stimulation.

"Jay...I'm going...going to come..." I somehow stuttered out into his ear. He moved then, catching me in another hot kiss. Jay leaned back away from me as he moved his hips up and down fiercely on my cock, only bringing my orgasm closer. "Jay..."I hissed out.

When I came, it felt more like an eruption than an orgasm. Jay kept going, bucking his hips as I came inside of him. It was an earth shattering feeling, being buried deep inside of his ass as I hit my orgasm. And here I thought I wasn't ready for something like this. It had been perfect, it had been ecstasy, it had been more than I could have ever fathomed.

Jay easily slid off of me, bringing his lips down to me and kissing me deeply, sliding his tongue against mine. I reached between us and stroked his cock, remembering that I hadn't gotten him off yet. I turned us over, quickly moving down his body. His skin was so hot, I thought it would burn my lips as I kissed him. I took his cock in my mouth, licking off the drops of wetness as they came. I knew that he had to be close to his own orgasm and that I wouldn't have to do much to get him there. I slid his cock into my mouth, sucking him up and down. Jay gripped my shoulders as he moaned. I let out a small moan of my own against his cock as he whimpered out my name in his pleasure. It was only a few strokes of my mouth later that Jay was coming in my mouth, groaning out obscenities as he did.

_Friday, December 22nd, 2006_

_Toronto, Ontario Canada_

Jay pulled into the driveway of his parent's house, sighing to himself as he did so. He had hated driving up here from the airport in all of this snow. He glanced out the window at all of it, laying in sheets as far as he could see. "Denise, wake up." he said, gently pushing his wife's shoulder. "We're here."

After all the pleasantries, the talking, the catching up he and his wife did with his family, Jay managed to sneak out to the backyard deck for a private moment. He thought of how he had begged his parents to again come to Florida for the holidays this year, offering to pay for their airfare and expenses. They had declined, however and here he stood. "Jesus Christ, it's cold." he swore to himself as he pulled the collar of his jacket up a little further.

Jay observed the backyard of the new home he had helped his parents build just a few years ago. The snow was hanging from the branches of every tree in sight, making the branches hang lower and lower as it weighed them down. Jay closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The snow was beautiful, yet bittersweet for him, like every memory the thought of it brought to light. Just as he was beginning to get lost in actually having a moment to himself for once, Jay was interrupted by his younger brother, Josh. "Hey, Jay! What the hell you doing out here, wanting to freeze your ass off or something?" he asked loudly. He shoved an open beer into Jay's hand as he took a long drink out of the one he was holding.

"Nah, just looking at the snow, that's all." he said.

"Yeah, you must have been getting all sentimental out here. After all, you never get to see the snow down there in the tropics, do ya?" he laughed.

"That's exactly the point." he said softly.

"Well, you're probably right. After living with it for so many years, you must have gotten a little tired of it." Josh concluded as he took another drink. "So, where's Adam this year?" he asked, almost making Jay cringe with just the sound of his name. "He coming up here to visit his mom for Christmas or what?"

"I don't really know, Josh." Jay replied. "I haven't talked to him for a few weeks." That was true, Jay hadn't talked to Adam for a few weeks. What he failed to mention to his brother was that he hadn't talked to Adam in much more than a few weeks. He was almost ashamed of how much time had passed since last he had spoken to him.

"Oh. Well, should we go inside then? It's fucking cold out here, man." Josh said, putting his arm around Jay.

"Yeah, sure." Jay said softly, taking one last look back at the snowy expanse of Canada as he went inside.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note...

This part of the story will wrap up chapter eight and begin part nine. I hope you guys are all enjoying reading this story as much as I have enjoyed creating it. I have gotten some great feedback from a lot of E&C fans past and present and have loved it. If you're a fan and you're reading this, let me know what you think, don't be scared! I'm really a gentle soul...I promise.

As usual, I own nothing, I am using the names without permission, this is a work of fiction.

Conclusion of part eight...

_Saturday, February 10th, 1996_

_"I went to sleep last night with a smile because I knew I'd be dreaming of you ... but I woke up this morning with a smile because you weren't a dream."_

I was rudely awakened bright and early that next morning by first the obnoxious sound of an alarm clock going off and then by the blinding light from the still opened shades of the windows from the night before as I opened my eyes. I sat up, Jay already up and beginning to get dressed. "Jesus, Jay. What time is it?" I grumbled.

"Five forty five." he answered as he pulled his pants up over his hips.

"You brought an alarm clock with you?" I asked as I laid my head back down against the pillow.

"Of course I did, how else would we have woken up?" he asked me.

'Mmmmph. Well, I guess one of us has to be responsible." I said.

"Isn't responsible a little bit too big of a word for you to be using this early in the morning?" he joked with me. I glared at him with the one eye I still had managed to keep open.

"Haha." I said. I watched Jay as he pulled the shades back into place and moved some of the desks back to their proper places. I smiled as I stretched my arms over my head.

Last night had been filled with many emotions, all of which were shared between the two of us. Jay shared with me the fact that he was in love with me. I shared with him my body. Not exactly a fair trade, but for now it would have to do.

I couldn't deny the fact that while I may not have known about any emotional feelings I had for Jay, I was sure that I had a deep desire for him sexually. That feeling that did nothing less than overtake me every time his lips pressed against mine, that was something I would be unable to deny. I was sort of confused about what I should be saying to him today._ "Hey, best friend who is in love with me...wanna fuck?"_ No. That was an improper statement to make.

I decided, as I lay there not wanting to get up, that I would just let Jay do the talking for now. I didn't really know what to say anyway. All I really wanted to do was feel.

"Adam, we'd better get back out with the others." Jay said as he reached down and pulled the blanket off of me. He had broken me not only from the warm sanctuary of being under the blanket but also from my thought process. "Nick will wonder where the hell we are if he wakes up and we're gone." Jay finished as he tossed my discarded clothes at me. "Besides...I have to finish moving these desks back..." I just smiled to myself as I got dressed.

Part Nine

_Thursday, May 2nd, 1996 3:49am_

"_It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."_

_-Marlene Dietrich_

"Son of a fucking bitch!!!" Jay grumbled to himself. The phone was ringing. He had been so asleep, deep in a sleep, and the blessed phone had to start ringing. He had heard it the first time, but just rolled over and tried to ignore it. He had breathed out a sigh of relief when it stopped. But now it was ringing again. Jay stumbled out of bed and down the hallway to pick up the phone from off of the charger. "Whoever it is, they'd better be dying!" he said as he reached for the phone.

"Hello?" Jay said sleepily.

"Jay! Jay! Thank goodness you answered the phone. Look, we just got back from Winnipeg and I had to tell..." I began stuttering out.

"Adam!" Jay cut me off, sternly saying my name. I knew he would be pissed off that I had called him at this time of night, but I just had to tell someone the good news or I was sure I would explode before morning came. "Do you understand what time it is?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah." I answered sweetly.

"Good. Then do you understand why it's not right to drag me out of bed at this time?" he continued.

"Yes, Jay. I do, but just listen..." I said.

"Look, Adam, this had better be so important that it couldn't possibly have waited." he said to me.

"It is. Believe me, it is." I pleaded.

"Okay...then...wait. You said you just got back. That means you're home, right?" Jay said, annoyed.

"Yeah, I just got home about twenty minutes ago." I said.

"So instead of calling me, why didn't you just come over here if it was so important?" Jay asked.

"I didn't want to wake up your parents." I said sheepishly. I had been sneaking in and out of Jay's parents house at all hours of the night lately for little visits with Jay for the last few months. While they probably wouldn't have cared if I was there, if I was staying the night, they probably would have both gone hysterical if they knew that I was sharing a bed with their son and what we were doing in it.

My mom, on the other hand, didn't care what I did. Jay would come and go as he pleased and she never asked a single question. She didn't even bat an eyelash when one morning she came to wake me up and found us sleeping together, half naked, in my bed. We had never talked about it. I never brought it up and neither had she. I liked it that way.

"You think calling at four in the morning wouldn't have woken them up?" he asked me, almost laughing.

"I guess I really didn't think about it." I said softly. "I didn't just want to sneak in this late at night." I told him. I had missed Jay. I had been out on the road for almost seven days straight. Jay was supposed to have gone with us, but right before we left, he had banged his shoulder up and decided not to go after all. I had hated going out and doing shows without him, it had felt as though I was missing one of my legs.

"Well now that I'm up...why don't I just come over there and you can tell me whatever it is that's so important in person." Jay said.

I could feel my eyes enlarge at the thought of Jay coming over for a late night sleepover. It wasn't what I had been expecting, but I sure as hell was going to jump at the chance. "Okay. I hope I can hold it in that long."

"The thing you have to tell me, you mean?" he asked playfully.

"Just start driving, Jay." I said, laughing.

"Okay. I should be there shortly." he said, hanging up the phone.

I waited at the back door for Jay to arrive, almost bursting with happiness. I had been wanting to tell him this for a few days now, but had no way of getting in touch with him while I was out on the road. I was glad he had offered to come over, I had missed him like crazy while I was gone.

Over the last few months, our relationship hadn't changed drastically. It had more been...modified. Now we would spend nights together, usually to make love. Some nights we just took comfort in laying together and talking. I was slowly beginning to appreciate these nights as much as the nights we had sex.

Could I say that now I was in love with Jay? I still didn't really know. Here was what I did know. I had a new understanding for my best friend. I had grown to see him in a very different way that was beautiful. He sparked something inside of me, something I thought was purely passionate. There were days when nothing more was needed from him than a cocky smirk or a light touch on the shoulder to get me aroused. I knew that I was getting to share something with him that I was enjoying sharing. I had grown used to this, the physical relationship we had built. When I had him there beside me, I was content. When he wasn't by my side, wasn't sleeping beside me, I was restless.

I sat on the kitchen counter, my head in my hands. I was wishing Jay would hurry. I tangled my fingers through my mess of curls and thought of him. He would tell me how he loved me. I would tell him too, I would let the words "I love you" fall from my lips like they were nothing. I knew that they weren't nothing. Sometimes I wondered if he knew that I didn't meant them in every sense, in the most literal sense. I did love Jay. I just didn't think I was in love with Jay.

I had gone over this in my head a thousand times before, and as I was going over it for number one thousand and one, Jay broke my concentration. I looked up at him as he walked through the door. I hugged him to me right away. He smelled like ivory soap and springtime. His worn in leather coat was soft against my face as I leaned my head down on his shoulder. "I missed you, you know." I said.

"Yeah? I thought you probably would." Jay said as he hugged me tightly to him. "I wish I could have gone."

"So do I." I said softly. I moved my head so I could look at him. I kissed him on the forehead and asked, "How does the shoulder feel?"

"Still a little stiff, but not so sore as it was last week." he said, pointing to his left shoulder He brought his eyes up to mine and smiled as he asked, "So why did I have to be woken up at four in the morning?"

"Oh, yeah." I said. Just the sight of Jay made me forget about what I had wanted so badly to tell him.

I led Jay down the hallway to my bedroom. Jay and I both walked in without bothering to turn on the light. I flopped down carelessly on my bed as Jay neatly hung his coat over the back of my desk chair. "Okay, are you ready?" I asked as Jay sat on the side of the bed and removed his shoes.

"As ready as I'll ever be, Adam." he said as he glanced over his shoulder to me.

"I got a tryout match next week with the WWF." I said softly as I wrapped my arms around Jay from behind.

"What? You did? You really did?" Jay asked excitedly as he held on to my arms. He turned his body just slightly so he could look at me.

"Yeah, I have a dark match on the tenth." I said calmly. I had been so excited about this, but now that I had the chance to share it with Jay, the initial shock of it all had worn off a little bit.

"Adam, that's great. Fuck, that's a great chance for you." Jay said. "Yeah, I guess this was worth calling me at four in the morning for then." he concluded.

"I found out three days ago and wanted to tell you so badly. I just couldn't hold it in any longer." I explained, gently placing my head in his neck. "I missed you."

Jay smiled at me softly. "I missed you too, Adam." he whispered as he held on to me. Jay felt good in my arms. I had missed this closeness, this feeling that I had grown so accustomed to sharing with him. It felt good to have him back with me, his warmth back against my own.

"You know, Adam, this the perfect opportunity for you." Jay said as he absentmindedly tangled his hand into my hair. "This could be that break you're looking for." He said softly.

"I know. I couldn't believe it when I found out. I think I must have let my jaw drop to the floor, standing there talking with the guy after the show." I said.

"I'm happy for you." Jay whispered to me. He turned around to face me and hugged me to him.

"I wish you were going to be coming with me, though." I said into his shoulder. It was odd for me, wrestling this past week without Jay. If he and I weren't teamed together we were at least always traveling together. He was always there, right from the beginning, we had done this together. I could count on one hand the number of wrestling trips I had taken without Jay. I guess this would just have to be another one of them. "I can't help but think that maybe if you had been with us this weekend that you would have gotten to go too." I said after much thought.

"Oh, come on now, Adam. Don't think like that." he said as he broke our embrace and looked in my eyes. "I want you to go and show them how good you are in that ring, don't worry about me. I know you can do it without me." he said. "And besides..." he said softly as he placed his fingertips against my chest, "...even if I'm not there physically, I'll still be right here, won't I?" he finished as he pressed his fingers against my heart.

I looked down at his long, slender fingers there against my shirt. Something about this little simple gesture of sweetness Jay had just put forth touched me deeply, more deeply than something like that usually did. It made a softness inside of me as he pressed against my chest and all I could whisper out to him was a slow "Yeah. You will be." as we sat there together on my bed.

"Anyway, I'll get my chance. My turn will come around eventually." he said as he removed his fingertips and snaked his arm around my waist. "But, you could always put in a good word or two for me." he said.

I smiled. I knew that was coming. "I had already planned on it." I said through my grin. Jay laid down against the bed, his arm still wrapped around my waist. I looked down at him. His eyes were a tranquil shade of blue there in the dim light of my room. It made me feel at ease, the shade of his eyes, like a soft wave of the ocean on a clear day. I wanted to dive in.

I leaned down and took his lips to mine. I had missed this while I had been away, kissing him. It was one of the sweetest things that I was privileged enough to have somehow earned from him. As we deepened our kiss I crawled over top of him, lowering my hips to his. It had been too long since I had been with him, well, at least too long for my body's liking.

The first night was fine, while I was out on the road. I was sore and just wanted to go to sleep to get rid of the pain that night. By the second night, I was missing Jay something awful. The third night I snuck to the bathroom in the middle of the night to jack off from all of the thoughts passing through my mind of what I could be doing with Jay if he had come with us.

By the last night of our trip, I was pretending that a pillow shoved in my sleeping bag beside me was Jay. It wasn't the same, not by any means. A pillow couldn't keep me warm. It couldn't hold me. It sure as hell couldn't kiss me like I was currently being kissed.

I trailed my fingers up underneath Jay's shirt as he sighed softly against my lips.

"Mmmm...Adam. I missed you. I love you." he whispered to me.

"Me too, Jay. Me too." I said softly.


	10. Chapter 10

_"Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart."_

_Friday, August 14th 1998_

Oh, god, he is angry. Jay is angry with me. No, I would have to say that angry is not the proper word to describe Jay's current state of being. I think that I could use every word to describe angry, every synonym in existence and it would not have done it any justice. If Jay were to look at me, he would be burning a hole straight through me, but he's not, he hasn't for hours. Come to think of it, the last time he looked at me was when he absolutely had to, during our match earlier.

I wish he would just look at me, for even a second. That might help make me feel a little less guilt. I had good reason to feel guilty, though. I was in the wrong, I knew it. Hell, Jay hadn't even spoken to me today unless it was to talk about work, what we were doing out in the ring. I deserved this silent treatment, I realized it, but that didn't make it any easier.

Jay sat up in bed, reading. I knew he wasn't reading the book he had in front of him. I knew him too well, and if he was still as angry with me tonight as he had been last night, then he wouldn't be able to concentrate on reading the words printed on that page. He was just boiling away with anger, that was what he was doing. He probably wanted to argue with me some more, as if last night hadn't been enough. I don't know what was holding him back. He had probably given up on me, or at least having an argument with me.

Jay had every right to be mad at me, I understood why he was. Shit, I would have been angry too, if the roles were reversed. But, they weren't. So here I stood, lost. I didn't know what to say, where to start or if I should even say anything at all or just concede to defeat and cut my losses.

He was still staring at that book. I couldn't tell from where I was standing what it was he was not in fact reading, probably a self help book entitled "How To Live With An Insufferably Selfish Lover". In that case, he should have been reading and taking notes.

After about twenty minutes I decided that he wasn't just going to magically forgive me and take me into his arms. I had to get out of the room, get out into the air and collect my thoughts. I mumbled to Jay "I'm uh...going to take a walk, or something."

"Kay. Don't get lost." he said softly as he kept up the book reading farce he had going, not looking at me as I walked out the door. Well, at least I had gotten four words out of him. Maybe he didn't hate me after all. Get lost, hah. Wait,...what city were we in again?...ah, Crud. He knew too much about me.

I took the stairs instead of the elevator to get down to the lobby of the hotel we were staying in. I figured at least that way I could be alone. I stepped out of the revolving doors of the hotel and out into the warm night air. I felt better already as I took a deep breath. I couldn't decide which way to go from here, left or right. I decided on left for no particular reason. My thoughts soon drifted from where I was going to Jay, as I knew they inevitably would.

Here we were, we had gotten where we wanted to be. Jay and I both were just starting out on a light schedule with the WWF, our dream since we met as kids. If all went as planned, we would soon be signing developmental deals and eventually contracts. We had only spent about a month out on the road doing house shows and dark matches, but already we were picking up steam. We had gotten mostly all positive feedback and were hopefully headed for a permanent position. So why was I so miserable as I crossed onto a street I had never been down before. I was out traveling, wrestling, beginning to live out my dreams of grandeur, and all of it with Jay by my side, just like we had planned since the beginning.

This was it, we had it, we had the world in our hands...so how had this happened? I thought back to the night before and tried to figure out what I should do once I went back to our hotel room, what I could do, if anything, to make this right.

_The night before..._

"Ah, come on, Copeland. Just one date, do it for me." Sean Morley was a persistent bastard, that was for sure. He had been trying to persuade me to go on a date with his sister for the last three weeks solid. I had told him no I cannot count how many different times, but yet he continued.

"No, I told ya, I'm not looking for a date." I sighed as I put my empty beer bottle back down on the bar. There we sat, drinking, Jay, Sean, myself and assorted other wrestlers that had worked the house show with us. The three of us sat together, mostly talking about the business until Sean got it in his head to start up on this date rant again.

Usually I would have just told him no a few times and then changed the subject or walked away. This moment, however was different. Jay was sitting with me. That made all the difference in the world. Sean never had discussed this in front of Jay before and I had somehow failed to mention it to him. I just didn't think it was an important issue was all. I told him no when he asked me to go on a date with her and for me that was good enough, case closed.

But tonight, Jay was right there beside me. I knew that it was making Jay uncomfortable, this talk of me going on a date with someone else. I glanced over at him. His eyes were firmly planted on his fingers, pulling at the label of his half empty beer bottle feebly.

"Man, I have been asking you and asking you. Why not, just tell me why not?" Sean pushed.

"Because, I'm not looking for a date, that's all." I replied calmly. Jay drank down the rest of the beer in that bottle and quickly ordered another one as we began to talk about it.

"You're a single man, right? That's what I remember you telling me, isn't it? That you didn't have a girlfriend?" he said.

"_Shit." _ I thought to myself. I swear I felt Jay's eyes shift over to me as I answered. "No, I don't have a girlfriend." I said. There, I hadn't completely lied.

"So what's the deal then? Just go out on one date with her. You'll like her, my sis is fun. And she's a beautiful girl. You'd have a good time...give me one good reason why not." Sean said.

If I thought it would have shut Sean the hell up, I would have picked Jay up out of his seat and thrown him in his general direction, boldly showing him what my one reason was. Jay coughed in the seat next to me. I was trapped. I didn't know what to do. "I'm just not interested in a date, that's all. I have too much on my plate already, trying to get a deal with the company. How the hell would I have time for a girlfriend, or even a date? I'm on the road all the time." I asked. I shifted in my seat. I was getting more and more nervous. I was only hoping that Jay wouldn't bring this up later and if he did, that he would be understanding of where I was coming from with my answers.

Sean rolled his eyes at me. "I just don't understand, Adam. You've probably got some girl back home and you're just being polite by telling me no. What's the deal, is she a dog or something, you ashamed of her?"

"No. I don't have a girlfriend, Sean. Can't we just let this go?" I asked hopefully. I glanced at Jay out of the corner of my eye as the waitress put another bottle in front of me. He was holding on to his beer bottle with both hands, staring up at the various assortment of liquor bottles on the shelves behind the bar. His face was unreadable from my angle.

"Yeah, alright. For tonight, at least." he laughed. Sean leaned forward against the bar, looking down at Jay just as I was beginning to breathe a sigh of relief. It had come too soon though, as I heard Sean start to speak again, this time directing his intrusion down to my lover. "Jay...what about you?" he asked.

"_Oh lord." _ I said to myself. _"Please..." _I pleaded as I held my breath.

"What's that?" Jay asked innocently as he turned his head. He was pretending he hadn't heard anything we had said. I knew better. It was a very thinly veiled mask, that look of disappointment on Jay's handsome face he was trying not to let me or anyone else see as he turned our direction from his end of the bar.

"You got a girlfriend?" Sean asked. I held my breath as I looked forward, not wanting to look at Jay as he answered.

"No, I don't. Actually, Sean...I'm gay. So...I wouldn't be much of a date for your sister." he answered slowly. "Sorry." he concluded. He shot me a look as he did. I wondered if he was apologizing or talking about me when he said sorry. Most likely both.

"Oh. Well, I guess I'll just have to find somebody else, then." Sean sighed.

I didn't dare look over at Jay. His head was still pointed in my direction, but I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or not. It didn't matter, the damage was already done, at least from where I sat.

It wasn't that I was ashamed of Jay, or of our relationship. I just didn't advertise it. If that meant I had to lie, then that was just part of the picture. I didn't see the harm in it, at least when Jay wasn't around. When he was though, like tonight...I saw how harmful it was. I felt it, along with the guilt that was sweeping through me as we sat there, silent.

Jay could say it, he was gay. There it was, plain as day. I couldn't. It wasn't that simple for me, I guess. I was a little more private than he was. That was my nature. If I took Jay to bed at night I didn't have to tell the world. It was between him and I, only our business. That was how I saw it, but I could also see it from what I was sure would be Jay's perspective. That I was lying, that I couldn't even admit to our friends that we were together, let alone that I wasn't straight. I knew how he thought and I knew he was now thinking the worst. That I didn't love him, that I was ashamed of him, that I was embarrassed of our relationship and that I had to hide it.

I sighed. It was funny, I had known just as soon as I said them, every word I had spoked to Sean tonight, or any night, that they were wrong, that I was wrong for having said them. I was going to come to regret what I had said sooner than later...but I said it anyway. Now I would have to live with it.

"Well, I think I'm about ready to go back. I've had enough for tonight." I said as I left the barstool. I glanced at Jay. He had been looking at me as I got up, I came to find as I caught his gaze. His eyes were a steely shade of blue and felt just as hard as he stared at me. "Jay, you coming with me or staying?" I asked, trying to feign a smile for the rest of the patrons of the bar.

"Yeah, why not." he said softly, looking away as he did. I said goodbye to some of the other guys as I waited for Jay to finish the beer he had been working on drinking. As we were ready to leave, Sean and I exchanged our good nights, with him throwing one last shot of gasoline on the fire as he said "You're going to say yes, eventually. I'll wear you down." He smiled at me, taking a drink out of his beer.

All I could do was smile stupidly and shake my head at him as Jay walked out the front door. I went after him, trying to make up for the ten or twenty steps ahead of me he already had gotten. "Jay!" I called out to him. He stopped abruptly, pausing for me as if he thought I hadn't been following behind him.

The two block walk back to the hotel was relatively quiet. I dared to ask him "Jay...are you angry with me?" All it earned me was a sharp, soul-piercing look that said "No shit, sherlock" without needing words to do so. When we got back to the hotel was when all hell broke loose.

"Why couldn't you at least have told the truth, Adam?" Jay asked me as he sat on the end of the bed to remove his shoes. "You could have just said you had someone already, you were dating someone. You didn't have to say girlfriend, you didn't have to point over at me." he continued, raising his voice as he did so. "How long has he been pestering you about dating his sister?" he asked as he looked up at me.

"For a few weeks now." I said softly.

He paused for a few minutes, as if trying to process what had happened back at that bar tonight. We were both silent as I sat down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "You remember that night you and I went out to that dreadful bar with Nick, that dive bar he took us to?" Jay asked, turning to face me as he spoke. "Do you remember what happened?"

I remembered all to clearly. We had gotten pissy drunk and made love like animals on the floor in my bedroom. That was the most vivid part of the memory for me, at least. I knew that it wasn't what Jay was talking about though, and that he wasn't in a joking mood, so not to bring it up. I knew what he meant as I softly said "Yeah, I do."

"When that girl came over to me and asked me for my phone number, what did I do?" he asked me sternly.

I sighed. I didn't even want to answer because I knew where he was going with this. "You pointed across the bar at me."

"And what did I tell her?" he continued.

"That I was your boyfriend." I said dryly.

"Then, when it was all over, I told you what had happened, didn't I? How she had hit on me and I had told her no. I told you everything, didn't I?" he asked me.

"Yeah, yeah you did, Jay." I said softly.

"So tell me why it is that you just can't do the same for me?" he asked. When I couldn't give him an answer, he continued. "Why is it that you would lead Sean to believe that you're a single man when you're supposed to be in love with me? Make me understand this, Adam. I sure as hell can't comprehend it on my own."

I was beginning to get annoyed, frustrated. I didn't want to argue with Jay. Arguing was the last thing I wanted to do tonight. In the little more than two years we had been carrying on this relationship, Jay and I had hardly ever fought. If we had, it was about small things, easily forgotten things. I knew that this wouldn't fall into that category.

"Jay, I don't have an explanation for you. I was just doing what I thought was best, that's all." I said as I sat up, looking at Jay. His eyes were fixated on the floor as he sat there on the end of the bed still.

"Best for who? Only you, as far as I can see." he answered.

"Why does it matter, Jay? Why does it matter if Sean knows about our relationship or not?" I asked, now letting it be my turn to raise my voice.

"It's not just about Sean, it's about the whole damned world, Adam. It wouldn't have mattered who was sitting beside you at that bar, you still would have given them the same answers, wouldn't you have?" he asked, looking over at me.

"Yeah, I would." I said.

"Why? What is so wrong with me that you can't admit that you and I are together?" he asked.

"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you." I said. I wanted to reach across the bed and touch him, but I didn't. I was unsure of how that would go over at this moment.

"Then what is it, are you ashamed of having a gay relationship? Is that it?" he asked.

"Jay, I don't know. I really don't think..." I began to say, but Jay cut me off as he stood up.

"What, Adam. I'm making you uncomfortable by talking about this, so we can't anymore? Is that what you were wanting to say? Too bad." he almost yelled at me. "Do you understand how much that hurt? How much it pains me to think that when I'm not around you lie about our relationship to others? That you just let Sean keep bothering you about dating his sister when you know you're with me? Hell, you may as well say yes, since you're a single man and all! That's what you told him, right. You're a single man, not a care in the world, not in love with anyone...but yourself."

I had never seen Jay as infuriated as he was with me right then as he shot me a fierce gaze from where he stood near the bed. "Jay, you know I would never say yes to going on a date with someone else." I said to him.

"No, Adam. I don't. And with the way you acted tonight, I sure as hell won't be believing it anytime soon." With that Jay retreated to the bathroom. I wanted to follow him, but figured it would be best if I didn't. I took off all of my clothes except for my underwear and pulled the covers over myself as I waited for Jay to come to bed, hoping that he was through with his rant for tonight. I knew deep down that he was right, that everything he had said was right in one way or another. I was wrong for acting the way I had.

In these past two and a half years Jay and I had become a very stable couple built on a routine. Our relationship was still as strong as ever as friends, but now there was this something extra. I got to share a physical relationship with him that was mind blowing. Jay never let me down physically. We had shared a great chemistry sexually from the very start of our love making.

We were still best friends, still shared all the same things with each other we always had, still traveled and wrestled together. Now, however, I also got to share my bed with Jay at night.

The way I looked at it, that was the most special part of the relationship for me. The way that Jay had managed to touch me was in that physical way. It was how he had gotten through to me and held me in a partnership with him. I needed, craved that amazing physical attention he gave me and to be able to give it to him in return as well.

On the other hand, from where I saw things, Jay felt differently. While my side of the pleasure in our pairing was mainly physical, Jay took comfort in the emotional side of it. He would tell me he loved me as often as possible, and I understood when he said it, he meant it. I could tell. I'd say it in return, more out of habit than anything else and he would get this pleased little grin on his face when I did. I knew I was making him happy by saying it, and if he was happy, then I was happy.

I did love Jay. I had since we were kids, in grade school together. But, as it had felt since the beginning, I didn't know if I was in love with Jay. I was no closer now than I had been then to understanding what that felt like either. I knew that I didn't want to lose Jay over something like this and wondered if maybe that was part of what being in love felt like. That feeling of being lost without someone must have had something to do with it, I was sure.

Jay emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, also stripped down to his underwear and a t shirt. He turned off the overhead light and got into bed with me, facing the wall instead of facing me. I rolled over on to my back, wondering how long I should wait before trying to make up with him. Jay just lay there silently.

After a few quiet moments, I leaned over to him. I put my hand on his shoulder, saying his name softly as I brought my head down to lay beside his. "What, Adam?" he asked harshly, lifting his head up slightly.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Jay. I don't mean to hurt you. I don't mean for this to come across the way it does. Like I said, I was only doing what I thought was best." I said.

Jay was quiet there beside me. I wanted to turn his body over and climb on top of him, smother him with kissed and affection. I knew though that it wouldn't have been appropriate.

:What is this worth then, Adam?" he began asking. "What is this relationship, what is our friendship, what am I worth, what is it all worth to you if you can't be honest not only with others but with yourself?" he asked. I had to stop and think about what Jay had asked me.

The only answer I could come up with was a lamely whispered "I don't know."

"Well when you figure it out, you let me know." he said softly. I looked down at him, seeing a tear streaming down his cheek. I felt horrible. I had never wanted to make Jay cry. I didn't know how to deal with this, I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Jay cry. I leaned down and wiped the tear away with my fingertips. "Jay..." I whispered. I leaned in to close my lips over his, but he pulled away from me.

"Don't try to kiss me, Adam, please. I'm not in the mood for kissing. This is something that you won't be able to fix by using your body." With that I turned over, laying back down on my own side of the bed. I listened as Jay laid back down too. I could feel a tight knot beginning to form in the base of my stomach. I hated this, this feeling of Jay being mad at me. Him being disappointed as I knew he was in me made me just as if not more so disappointed with myself.

I lay there, wracking my brain as to what I was going to do about this. I soon felt a few tears if my own rolling down across my cheeks. Love or not, this sure did hurt like hell.


	11. Chapter 11

"_Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives, puts itself in our hands and hopes we learned something from yesterday."_

I had been wandering aimlessly down streets in a town I had forgotten the name of for about half an hour or so and the weight that I felt pulling me down had yet to be lifted, even just slightly. I shoved my hands in my pockets, sighing out in pure frustration. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I couldn't take back what I had done, what I had said and I was straining to figure out how to make Jay understand why I had acted the way I had. I wasn't even sure I understood completely.

I knew I had to apologize, but I didn't know what for. Should I have apologized for not telling him that one of our buddies was trying to set me up on a date with his sister? Should I have been apologizing for not being forthright about our relationship? Or should I have been apologizing for what I felt the most guilt about now, the fact that I couldn't look Jay in the eye and tell him I loved him with as much meaning as he could tell me?

I couldn't figure it out, so I kept walking. I came to a department store display window and stopped, something catching my eye. The only thing I could see when I looked into the glass was my own face staring back at me. I looked broken, lost. I was.

Jay had told me that I was selfish, that I only loved myself. I understood that in his eyes that was a correct portrayal of me. I knew better though. I knew that the only reason I had lied was to protect Jay. I slightly lied when Jay told me he loved me and I returned the sentiment because I feared hurting him, possibly even losing him if I didn't. So I told him, every time, because I knew I had to.

What if I didn't? He would be hurt, our relationship would fall apart, our friendship would most likely be no more...and that was the last thing I wanted to have happen. I needed Jay. I leaned on him so much, for so many different things just to get me through the day. The thought of not having him right there with me made that knot that had grown in my stomach yesterday tighten a little more. It confused me more than anything else, that knot. I wasn't sure where it had come from or how to get rid of it.

It wasn't like I was heartless. I cared about Jay deeply. I thought of him constantly, missed him on the occasions when we were apart, and basked in the rare, quiet moments of solace we got to spend together while out on the road. Was I selfish? Usually, in my own ways, yes. But it was all for the best, at least the way I saw it.

One of the things that was weighing most heavily on my mind from last night was what Jay had said when I tried to kiss him. _" This is something that you won't be able to fix by using your body."_ He said it as if he knew that the physical meant more to me than the emotional, that he had somehow figured me out and wanted to throw it in my face. Was I that bad at hiding things?

I wondered what my face looked like to Jay when I told him I loved him? I knew all to well the look that would grace his own. His face would always get this warm glow across it. Sometimes he would have this sweet, almost smug look plastered on his lips as he smiled at me. No matter what the smile or the look in his eyes, though, Jay always had an expression of satisfaction on his face when he told me those three words. It was as if he was glad he had me, that he had finally gotten me after all this time and that I was his, and he knew it.

I was exasperated and had grown tired of walking. I picked out a bench on the street I had walked down and sat, sighing once more. I loved Jay and I couldn't just let him be angry with me, but I didn't know how in the bloody hell I was supposed to fix this. I knew that sitting here on this bench wasn't going to get me anywhere. I headed back in the direction I had came from, hoping that I hadn't turned down one too many streets to easily find my way back.

It was late when I came back to our room, a little past midnight. Jay was asleep, luckily for me facing towards the door. I came in as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake Jay up right away. I kicked off my shoes and climbed gently into the bed beside him. My best friend. My lover. The biggest part of my life. Him not speaking to me for only a day had managed to turn me inside out. I couldn't think of what it would feel like if this relationship we were sharing were to end. I didn't want to know. I had to repair the damage I had done, whatever it took. I couldn't be without Jay, I needed him. I may not have needed him the way that he needed me, but all in all the principle was basically the same. I didn't want to hurt him.

I settled myself in, propping myself up on my elbow and looking down at him. He was still asleep, his lips tightly closed together, his face firmly planted against the pillow. I smiled as I watched him sleeping. He was beautiful, Jay was. I didn't know why I hadn't noticed it sooner, I guess it just had never crossed my mind until a few years ago.

I wrapped my arm around Jay's torso underneath the sheets, waking him from is slumber. "Adam?" he said softly as he slowly turned over to look at me. I smiled at him still. I just wanted everything to be alright, though I didn't quite know how to make it so.

"I'm sorry, Jay." I said as I reached out to sweep the few stray hairs away that had fallen over his forehead while he had slept. "I'm sorry that I made you so angry, and I'm sorry if I offended you, hurt you. That wasn't my intention. I can't take this, I can't stand you ignoring me and not talking to me. I can't live that way with you." I told him. He looked as though he was still half asleep, laying there beside me. "I don't know what else to say. I know that I said some things that you didn't agree with, but like I said, I had my reasons." I finished.

"I just don't understand them." Jay said softly as he perked his head up slightly. He took his arm out from under his head and tucked it underneath my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me that Sean was asking you to go on a date with his sister?"

"I didn't think it was that important. I tell him no every time he asks, Jay. Christ, the only person I want to be sharing a bed with is you. You act like you think I'm going to say yes. I wouldn't do that." I said, stroking his cheek with my hand.

"If you didn't tell me about that...then how do I know that there couldn't be other things you're not telling me?" he asked.

I swallowed hard. "Like what?" I asked flatly.

"Anything. You tell me, Adam." he said quietly.

"Jay, I'm not lying to you about anything." I said, pulling him closer to me. "Look, okay...maybe it would have been better if I would have told you. But I didn't, I can't take it back now. It was a mistake, can we just let it go at that? That I was human, I made a mistake?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Jay said, laying his head against my shoulder. "Why is it that you can't admit to anyone that you're with me?" he asked.

There it was, the question I didn't want to have to answer. I had thought of how to answer this several times, never really coming to a decision as to what kind of answer I should have given him. "Jay, I...It has nothing to do with you. I just don't want to have to be on the receiving end of all of the shit that would come with being in a locker room with guys that wouldn't agree with the way you and I carry on a relationship."

"Why does it matter so much to you, what other people think of you?" he asked me.

"I...It...I don't...I don't know." Jay had asked much too deep of a question just then. It had me squirming. It went deeper than just him and I, deeper than the other men we traveled with, worked with. It cut me deeply and I wished not to discuss it at this point with anyone, even myself.

"I just don't want to have to worry, Jay, about getting in a fight or arguing with anyone that should cross our paths that didn't like the way we lived. If the world was a different place, then I would stand on a rooftop and yell out for everyone to hear that I was sleeping with you. But it isn't. The world is an imperfect place, and we have to live in it. So forgive me if I should choose to exclude some of the details of my personal life as a protective measure for not just me, but for you too."

"But if I was a woman, it would be different, right?" he said.

I sighed. Jay was far too strong of a person to be having this conversation with. It didn't help any that the way we both were, we would each want to have the last word. I ignored that last question from Jay and asked one of my own instead of answering. "Why is it so easy for you, why is it you can tell someone you're gay without hesitation? What makes it so simple for you?"

Jay sat up, gathering his hair back up into the rubber band it had fallen out of while he had been sleeping. "It's easy for me, Adam, because I know who I am. I know that I love you. I know that I want to be with you, come what may. I know that you are the most important thing in the world to me. I know that I love you and only you..." he said, pausing as he made a big motion with his arms "...and I don't care if the rest of the world agrees with it or not. I'm not ashamed of how I live my life. I'm happy. I don't need to make the rest of the world happy, Adam. I'm not afraid of conflict. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just don't think you do."he concluded. He was half leaning over me, looking into my eyes.

Gone now was that harsh look that had been in them yesterday and most of today as well. It was now replaced with a look closer to the one that I usually saw when I looked in them. A look of happiness, warmth, comfort. It made me smile. "Jay..." I whispered as I reached out to bring him closer to me. I took great relief in the fact that he didn't resist me. "I do know what I want." I said softly as I brought my lips to his. Jay climbed on top of me as we continued to kiss. His lips were impossibly soft against mine, his tongue hot. "I want you. I love you." I whispered when Jay stopped our kiss. I hugged him tightly to my body, whispering into his shoulder "I'm sorry Jay. I'm sorry for everything. I just want everything to be right, I don't want to lose you."

"Adam..." Jay said sympathetically as he pulled my head away from his shoulder and back so that I faced him. "Adam...you won't lose me." Jay leaned in and kissed me, gently holding the sides of my face in his hands. "Never." he whispered against my lips.


	12. Chapter 12

_"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love."_

_Sunday, October 17th, 1999_

"Ah, fuck it hurts!!" Jay complained as he flopped down on the bed of the hotel room we would be sharing. Jay had every reason to be complaining. We had wrestled one of our first big, high profile pay per view matches tonight. The only thing was that, along with the Hardys, we had completely desecrated our bodies. It was a ladder match, a match that all four of us spent a great deal of time preparing for. We had spent the better part of the last three days together with the Matt and Jeff figuring out spots, stunts, and mayhem we could create using those ladders.

The results were not pretty to the naked eye. We had all taken a lot of punishment. The four of us put everything we had into the match, as I'm sure it showed. But it wasn't without a price. Jay again groaned out in pain as he arched his back off the bed. "Adam...?" he sighed out my name as if he expected me to do something about his current state, something to make it better. I grinned at him. I was sore too. I had taken a couple of good shots to the head, landed funny a few times, and busted my ass on that ladder too many times to have kept a proper count of. I think that Jay felt worse than I did, though, or at least he wasn't taking the initial soreness of it as well as I was.

I sat on the bed alongside Jay, brushing my hand across his shoulder. "Your back hurting?" I asked him. His eyes were tightly closed as he nodded a simple "yes" to me. I could see the pained expression on his face. I smiled down at him softly, noticing that even in pain, in this battered and bruised state he was in, he still looked like an angelic god.

"Jay...sit up." I whispered to him as I gently tried to help him up.

"No, Adam...I..." he began to protest.

"Jay, just let me help you..." I said as I silenced his protest by placing a finger across his lips. He just stared at me, his eyes wide and bright. I pulled him the rest of the way up off of the bed and stood him up, carefully helping him remove his clothes. When I finally had him nude I sat him back down on the bed, saying "Lay on your stomach, Jay." as I removed my own clothes. Jay did as I asked of him, slowly easing his body down against the covers with a strained sigh.

I climbed over him, resting my palms softly against his shoulder blades. "You took some pretty severe punishment tonight, didn't you?" I asked as I let my hands wander across the length of his bare arms.

"Yeah. So did you." he said softly.

I gently ran my hand across a large bruise on Jay's left elbow. It was dark and it looked wretched, a stark comparison to the golden shade of the rest of his skin. "You've got a pretty nasty bruise on your elbow." I commented.

"It feels like it." Jay said quietly. I leaned down to where the bruise marked his skin and gently kissed it, brushing my lips across it softly. Jay smiled crookedly against the pillow.

"I want to make you feel better, Jay." I whispered as I lightly kissed along his shoulders. "Can I give you a massage?" I asked softly into his ear.

"Mmmmhmmm." Jay whimpered beneath me. "That would be nice."

I leaned back so that I was sitting over him, one knee on either side of his ass. Jay was a vision of sexiness there laid out before me. I gently moved his arms so that they rested on the pillow above his head. I took in the sight of the muscles of his back and shoulders, stretched out before me in all their glory. I began at the base of his neck, gently kneading away the tension I felt there with my fingertips, my palms. Jay sighed out heavily as I stroked the sides of his neck.

I wasn't sure of exactly why, but I always found the sexiest parts of Jay to be the areas of his neck, his collarbone, his shoulders. I could never resist laying kisses, licks, small bites there during the course of love making with him. I loved taking the skin there between my teeth and giving it a gently nip. The reaction it evoked from Jay didn't hurt any either. He seemed to like it as much as I did.

"We put on a hell of a show tonight, Jay. Did you hear the crowd? They were getting really into it. They were just eating it up." I said as I used my thumbs to caress the back of Jay's neck.

"Do you think it was worth it?" he asked me, raising his head up slightly to look at me.

I stopped rubbing for a moment when he looked at me, the question in his eyes. "You mean do I think that the physical punishment was worth it? Yes, I do. We're sore now, yes. But that pain will go away in a few days, maybe a week. If we can put on a show like that, then it lives forever. You put on a match good enough, Jay, do something great, then it lives on in time. It lives on in the history of the business and most of all, it lives on in the memories of the fans." I said.

Jay smiled at me. "I didn't ask for a monologue, Adam. I just needed a simple answer." he joked.

"It will all be worth it, you'll see. Wait until we get to watch the footage, wait until you feel a little less pained. You'll know it was all worth it."I said as I continued rubbing, now moving to his shoulders.

"That's good, Adam." Jay said softly. It felt just as good to me, Jay letting me travel across his flesh using my hands. His skin was soft and hot against my palms. I could almost feel the tension being caressed away as I moved from his shoulders down to the rest of his back. I let my fingers travel up and down the length of Jay's spine a few times. Each time I reached the base of his neck with my fingertips, Jay let out a little pleasured, approving sigh.

I was getting turned on and was hoping that I was doing the same for Jay as I slowly moved my hands down to his lower back. I felt my cock tighten when Jay whimpered out again beneath me how good it felt. I smiled to myself, knowing that I was on the right track. I kept rubbing his back, hoping that it was easing his pain. I moved from my position on top of Jay, leaning down to his ear and whispering to him, "Turn over."

Once he was on his back I took my place back over him, his eyes shining up at me trustingly as he caught his gaze with mine. He had a half smile across his lips and a much more pleased expression on his face than he had displayed earlier. As I brought my face down towards his to catch his lips in a kiss Jay whispered to me "I love you." I smiled at his sweet admission of love for me and returned the favor as I whispered my own sweet words of love to him.

"I love you too, Jay." I smiled down at him before I kissed his forehead, finishing my sentiment with "My beautiful Jay...so handsome." I kissed him, something I had been waiting to do all day long. It had been a long day. Getting up early to prepare for the match tonight and then the match itself had taken a lot out of the both of us, I knew. This kiss I was sharing with him, however, melted all of that away. With a few gently placed caresses from his lips, the pain of being struck with a ladder seemed like a thing of the past. I forgot about the dull pounding in the back of my head as Jay took my bottom lip between his and softly sucked on it. The soreness in my back was soon washed away as well when Jay gently slid his tongue against mine. I ran my hands down the length of Jay's arms, shoulder to wrist, locking his hands in mine. I broke our kiss and brought his arms over his head, resting them there with my own as I leaned down and kissed along his collarbone. He sighed out softly, whispering my name like I liked.

I let go, allowing Jay to tangle his hand into the loose mess of hair that rested atop my head. I kissed across the taught softness of his chest, eventually taking his right nipple between my lips and sucking, using my tongue to tease it to hardness. Jay whimpered again with pleasure as I took it between my teeth and gently teased him, letting my teeth graze over the sensitive tip. I looked up at him, his head pressed against the pillow, eyes tightly closed. It was a look of desire, need that now showed on his face. I was pleased that I held the power to make his expression change in such a short span of time from one of pain to that of relaxation and finally to this one, one of sheer want.

"Adam...please..." he whispered to me, giving a gentle tug to the handful of my hair he had grabbed. I leaned up, grinning at him feverishly. As I moved his arm back up to where I had previously placed it above his head I whispered to him "But Jay...I'm not through with your massage." I grinned down at him once more, a smug smile plastered across his own lips.

"You have to let me finish first." I said as I leaned back, letting my half hard cock rest against the stiffness of Jay's own. He sighed as I did, then sucking his breath back in as I let my hands travel up and down the length of his chest. I matched his pleasured smile with one of my own, a somewhat more devilish grin, one that I was an expert at giving. I felt every muscle of his pecs, his torso as I caressed gently with my fingers, carrying over the massage to his chest.

No matter how many times over the course of these past three years I had explored, traveled Jay's body, it felt new to me every time. I couldn't get enough of his body, I had yet to find a dull moment with him when it came to the physical love that was shared between us.

I let my hands trail lightly over his abdominal muscles as I kissed across his chest. "Adam..." he huskily whispered as he once again gathered up my loose hair in his hand, holding it back for me as I moved down his body, as I kissed lower and lower, finally making it down to where I let my lips rest against the expanse of flesh where his stomach met his groin. I kissed lovingly along the area, hearing Jay let out small sighs of bliss above me as I did.

I was pleased when Jay increased the strength of his grip on my hair as I took him into my mouth. To me it meant that I was pleasing him, and the erotic sensation of feeling Jay holding on like that was turning me on as well. I still allowed my hands to slide up the length of Jay's torso as I took him further down my throat. I tasted the first drops of Jay's hot precum as they lingered on the back of my tongue. It made me let go of a short groan of my own against the tip of his hardness. I toyed with the head of his cock, letting my tongue flick over and over it, just taking it in my mouth and nothing further until I had him pleading out my name, which was exactly what I had been aiming for. "Adam..." he whispered out shakily. That was all I needed, I took him back deep into my mouth,

As much as I loved having his cock in my mouth, I was on fire myself. I needed to fuck. I knew that Jay was sore from our match earlier, so I wasn't going to make him do any of the work. That was fine by me anyway, I rather enjoyed getting the chance to be somewhat in control. In our explorations in love making together, we had each taken turns fucking each other. I thought that the idea of having a 'top" and a "bottom" in a relationship with another man was unfair. I had wanted to know what it was like to have Jay inside of me just as much as I had wanted to know what being inside of him felt like. I got no arguments from him about the matter. What we shared wasn't about one of us having more power, more privilege sexually, we were equals when it came to our love making.

I sucked Jay a little longer to make sure he was good and hard for me before I leaned off to the side of the bed to retrieve the bottle of lubricant I had in my travel bag. "Adam..." Jay whispered demandingly.

I reclaimed my place above him and took his lips against mine, gently tugging on his bottom lip as he had done to me earlier. As we let our tongues play together I reached down between us and lubricated Jay's cock so that it would be good and wet for me, Jay moaning into the kiss we were sharing as I did. I smiled against his lips, opening my eyes to find his own staring back at me. "Jay..." I whispered to him, "I want you to just lay back and enjoy this, you just let me do the work." I told him as I stroked my hand up the length of his cock.

I positioned myself above him and slowly eased him inside of me inch by inch until he was all the way inside of me. I arched my back and held my hands on Jay's shoulders to steady myself. I looked down at him, laying there beneath me. His hair was fanned out around his head in a tangled golden mess of curls, his eyes half open. He blinked slowly, his thick blonde eyelashes creating a brief curtain around his closed eyes. I swear, his eyelashes would have been the envy of models everywhere if word got out of how long they naturally were. He looked up at me, desire pooled in those eyes of blue. He was hot, and he was making me even hotter with his cock pressed deep inside of me. I wanted to use my body to ravage his, but I knew that tonight I had better take it slow.

I tried my hardest to be gentle with Jay, but it was a daunting task as I began to move up and down against his cock, after only a few movements of my hips against his he was hitting just the right spot inside of me.

It didn't help any that Jay's favorite word during sex was my name, and that it drove me wild when he whispered it out like he was right now. I took a deep breath as I paused, trying to keep myself from coming way too soon. I leaned forward, just far enough to catch Jay's lips in a kiss, whispering to him while I was there, "Jay...you feel so good...so fucking good..."

My heated words earned me a sexy grin from Jay as well as him telling me again how he loved me as I leaned back once more. I held my arms out just behind us, leaning back just enough to use my body to get a good rhythm going. I began to fuck him a little harder, Jay beginning to raise his hips up as well to meet my thrusts.

I felt my eyes roll into the back of my skull as I let my head fall back lazily. Jay was hitting just the right spot every time I came down on his cock and it felt heavenly. Jay's short, strained breaths and moans were like music to my ears as I picked up the pace, fucking him more and more rapidly. I was already dangerously close to losing it when Jay brought his hand to my cock and began stroking it. Fuck being gentle, Jay was driving me wild with desire. I was too far beyond aroused to be gentle anymore. I brought my hips, my ass down against him more roughly. As I did so I earned more and more of those short moans from my lover. I knew he had to be close as I was, his hips frantically trying to keep up with mine.

It was all too overwhelming for me, the feeling of Jay hitting that sweet spot buried so deep inside of me with the head of his cock and him having his hand wrapped around my cock, stroking. "Jay...I...coming..." I don't even know how I found the breath to call out to him that my orgasm was approaching. I kept going, didn't miss a single beat of fucking him as I felt my cock release into Jay's thrusting hand. Just as I could feel my own orgasm beginning to subside, I could feel Jay's hips bucking harder against mine, knowing that he was almost there as well. I leaned forward once more, taking my lips against Jay's neck. "Jay...come for me. I want it...I want you inside of me." I whimpered as I kissed along his neck and continued taking him inside of me at a feverish pace.

"Fuck...Adam..." I heard Jay softly groan out as he gripped my hips with in his strong hands, holding on to me as he came.

When we had both came back to earth, we laid there in bed together. Jay had his head against the pillow, his eyes almost closed. I laid down on my back, sighing as I settled my body against the mattress. "What was that for?" Jay asked as he moved towards me. He laid his head over my chest, letting his arm drape over my stomach.

I smiled at Jay's innocent post-sex question. "What was what for?" I asked as I brushed his hair to one side.

"That sigh. What was that for?" he again asked.

"It was a sigh of contentment." I whispered to him. I noticed the satisfied grin on his face as I continued on "It was the happy sigh of a very satisfied lover. It was the grateful breath of a man who has the hottest partner in all of North America." I said.

"What about South America?" Jay asked playfully against my chest.

"Well...I've never been to South America...so..." my joke was halted as Jay pinched my side. I laughed as I said "But, I don't plan on going to South America, or any other continent any time soon...so your status as hottest isn't in any kind of jeopardy." I finished.

"Good." Jay mumbled. "I can't have you up and leaving me." he mused.

"Nah. You know too much." I again joked.

"No, Adam. I'm serious." Jay said as he propped his chin up against my chest and looked at me.

"Oh." I whispered. His gaze was heavy as he stared at me.

"I love you, Adam. You're all I could ever want. Hopefully you'll let me keep you for a long, long time." he said as he traced his fingertips in imaginary patterns over my chest.

"Jay...I forgot to mention that you're also the sweetest lover on the continent." I said as I kissed him once more. I had learned that the best way of breaking a moment this heavy between us was usually to crack a joke or two, it would usually either change the subject or at least ease the nervousness I felt when Jay began to talk like this, as he liked to do. Tonight, though he wasn't to be stopped.

"I love you, Adam. I love you more than you could ever know. I always have and I always will. And I will keep right on loving you that way...as long as you'll let me." Jay's eyes burned a hole through me, but not as harshly as his words did. They left a mark on me that I knew I wouldn't soon be forgetting.

I stuttered out a simple "I love you too." as Jay laid his head back down against me. I held on to Jay's shoulder as I laid there, trying my hardest to come something even remotely close to falling asleep. It was futile, though. I just couldn't stop those last words he had said from haunting me, ringing through my head, _"...as long as you'll let me..."._


	13. Chapter 13

Author's note:

This chapter is an extremely long one, guys. I just didn't want split it up, so I left it as is. I told myself when I started this story that I wasn't going to use song lyrics this time around...but...I lied. Here it is...

Names used are not mine, they belong to their owners. This is a work of ficiton, no profit is being made. Song lyrics are, respectively: "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Patty Smythe and Don Henley and "A Little Respect" by Erasure. They also belong to their copyright owners and are being used without permission.

_Monday, October 29th and Tuesday, October 30th, 2001_

_Somewhere in Indiana_

"_...And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,_

_and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch._

_There's a reason why people don't stay who they are._

_Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough..."_

It was one the eve of my twenty eighth birthday that all hell broke loose between Jay and I. It had been a hard couple of months. In our storyline on television, we were feuding. We had a couple of ladder matches, trading wins and losses pretty evenly between television, pay per view, and house shows along the way. Us being as close as we were, we spared nothing in our matches with each other. We went all out, knocking each other upside the head with ladders, chairs, anything basically that wasn't tied down.

We both were being spread very thinly. It was getting to the point where things were quite tense between Jay and I. We had been out on the road full time, wrestling for two years now and I was sure that was part of it. We were both becoming worn down, tired from all of the travel. We also felt the pressure to out do the last match we had put on by doing something bigger, better in the next one. We had begun to pick petty little arguments with each other from out of nowhere, something that was very uncharacteristic of both of us.

Before we get into the debacle that became my birthday bash, we should revisit when this whole thing came to start.

The whole mess began four days ago, on last Thursday. Jay and I were both still living up in Canada, which wasn't exactly convenient for us. I had yet to move out of my Mom's house because I failed to see the point in paying for an apartment or home that I would only have stayed in two days a week tops, if I was lucky. Jay had moved out into his own apartment in the city. We were spending our last day off there in his apartment before embarking back out on a fourteen day tour in the states. It was early, way too early for me. I was awoken by Jay rustling around in his bedroom. "Jay...come back to bed." I said lazily as I patted the empty space beside me softly.

"No, Adam. I have a lot to do today, there's much to be done before we leave tomorrow morning." he said as he picked up the dirty clothes from the floor and deposited them into a basket.

"You can come back to bed with me for a little while...come on Jay. It's cold here without you." I whimpered. I really just wanted him to lay next to me so I could go back to sleep. I found it hard to fall asleep at night without him sleeping near me and the feeling was the same this morning.

Jay sighed as he looked at me sweetly. He dropped the basket of clothes back to the floor where they had been and climbed in bed with me. He rested back against me as I sighed contently, happy that I had gotten what I wanted. "Adam...?" Jay whispered to me.

"Mmmmph, what Jay?" I asked. I was still half asleep. I wasn't ready to talk just yet this morning.

"I've been thinking a lot about something I want to discuss with you." he began. I perked my ears up with that statement, waking up just a little more, but not all the way. "Living up here is getting to be way too hard for me. I don't know how you feel, but I think it would be much easier on both of us if we were to move to the states." he said.

"Move to the states?" I grumbled out.

"Yeah. I want to get out of Canada, Adam. If we lived out in the states it would be so much more convenient for us, with our travel schedule. I was thinking of somewhere warm, like Florida..." he said.

"FLORIDA???" I said, now awake. I didn't know what kind of idea Jay had gotten in his handsome little head, but it sounded pretty far fetched to me.

"Yeah, Florida. It's warm there, Adam. I get tired of being freezing cold all the time. I've had enough of Canada for one lifetime." he said, wrapping his arm around my torso.

"Jay...Florida is a warm place...I'll give you that much. But I don't think it's somewhere that I would want to live...it's great to visit, but not to live in, at least not for me. What's wrong with Canada? And what about our families?" I asked.

"Well, it's not like we'll never see them again, Adam. We would. I've been putting a lot of thought into this, this idea of us living together..." That was where he lost me. He said words after "living together, but I'll never know what they were, as a wave of terror shivered through me just then, muting his words spoken thereafter.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." I rudely interrupted. "Live together?" I asked, sitting up. So fucking much for getting to sleep in on our last day off. I was awake now.

"Yes, Adam. That's what I said. What...did you think I meant move to the states and live separately? That's what I've been trying to get at, I think we should move in together, buy a house. Live together, Adam. Be together." He paused then. I let my head fall down into my hands, sighing. _"Great, how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this?"_ I asked myself. I didn't have an answer. Jay continued by asking, "Why did you sound so shocked when I said 'live together', Adam?"

"It just caught me off guard, that's all." I said softly. I had no idea what to say to Jay right now. I was beginning to panic. I couldn't live with Jay, share a home with him. That was a huge step, one that I wasn't ready to take. True, it was almost as though we lived together now, we were on the road constantly together, spent many of our off days together. But living under the same roof as Jay...that was a frightening thought. I wasn't ready to think about it. I wasn't even ready to move out of my mother's house, for god's sake. Jay expected me to be excited about leaving the only home I had ever known to move to the states...to Florida of all places...they had bugs bigger than my head in some parts of Florida.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you to put your guard up this morning. I should have warned you, shouldn't I? My mistake." Jay said sarcastically. There were instances where I loved Jay's smart ass sense of humor. This was not one of those instances. He turned away from me with the conclusion of that statement, wrapping his arms around his pillow.

"_Now I don't want to lose you, _

_But I don't want to use you,_

_Just to have somebody by my side._

_And I don't want to hate you,_

_I don't want to take you,_

_But I don't want to be the one to cry."_

"Jay, that's not something I'm ready for." I said as calmly as I could. I was glad he was turned away from me when it came out, because I sure as hell didn't want to see his face.

I was positive I had felt the complete gamut of emotions while I was with Jay. I felt the hope, the joy, the passion, the companionship, the happiness, the brotherhood, everything you could have possibly felt for another human being you shared this close of a relationship with...except for that one little (okay, not so little) emotion. Love.

From the beginning, I had told myself that I could fall in love with Jay. I thought that over time, I would be able to do it. I guessed that maybe it would be akin to wearing in a new pair of shoes and having to break them in first or getting used to waking up early in the morning, following a routine. I consciously knew that I wasn't in love with Jay even though through the deep bond we had forged over the years I loved him, it wasn't the same as being in love with someone. Even as unsure of what that meant as I still was, I knew that, sadly, this wasn't it. At two days in the relationship, I told myself to stick it out, that I would feel something over time. That I would fall in love with him eventually. Until then...I just had to tell him I was anyway so I didn't hurt him, lose him forever.

At three days in, I told myself this.

At six months, I told myself this.

At two years, I told myself this.

At five years, I told myself this.

Yesterday, I told myself this.

"What do you mean, you're not ready for this?" he asked softly.

This was not going to end well...that was for certain. No, my heart was not made of stone. I was capable of feeling and I felt a great many things in my time. Just not the knowledge of knowing how to fall in love and what that felt like. I had felt the guilt frequently. I would sometimes look at myself and wonder how I could keep up what I was doing, leading Jay to believe that I was in love with him. Parts of me would ask _why?_ Why was it that I couldn't fall in love with Jay, or anyone for that matter. Here he was, a wonderful person, a caring and kind soul, an attentive boyfriend and lover. He was an all around vision of perfection. You could not have asked for a better man to have fall in love with you. So...what was my problem?

I knew what the problem was. It went deeper than Jay and I. It went all the way back to my childhood. The lingering insecurities of having lived my life without a father.

The sobering reality of having to be starkly independent at a very young age.

The depth of having lost the only man who was anything close to a father figure at a very vulnerable time in my life.

The hell of watching my mother struggle for everything we ever had.

The hell of struggling for everything I now had.

All of these things haunted me. They made me a very sheltered person. The only person who I was very close to was Jay. For some reason, when we were kids, I let him in. I was a shy kid. Jay was one of my only friends for a long time when we were little. It was hard for me to make friends at that age, I was intimidated by the other kids. But there was some reason why I had let Jay in...now, sitting in his bed, I couldn't recall what it was.

"Adam?" he said to me. "Are you going to answer me or just sit there and massage your brain all morning?" he asked me, his voice tainted with annoyance.

"I can't do it, Jay." I said softly. "I just can't."

Just as I had let Jay in as kids, now again when we became lovers, I had let him in. This was different, however. It was the easiest thing in the world to give Jay my body. It was simple, for me it wasn't asking a lot. I could easily give in to the pleasures of the flesh. Giving of my body was an act that I didn't have to involve my heart in, at least not in a major way. My heart...that wretched, sometimes cold thing beating away like a drum machine in my chest. It was when it came to affairs of the heart that I began to stumble. I had not the slightest idea what love meant to me. I knew that I loved Jay as if he were my own blood. I knew that I loved my mother with all of my heart because...well...she was my mother. I loved myself, maybe not in heavy moments like these...but most of the time.

If you had asked me to define what being in love with another person felt like, I wouldn't have an answer. I couldn't understand.

Maybe I just didn't want to understand.

Maybe I was scared.

Maybe I didn't want to learn.

Maybe I didn't want to love.

I didn't know what the solution was. All I knew right now was that I could no longer carry this around with me. I felt as though I wasn't good enough, there had to be something defective inside of me that made it impossible to fall in love with Jay. I was sure, in this moment, that I had never been more right. Jay deserved better than a defect.

"What, Adam?" Jay asked softly. "What...I don't understand. No, you don't want to move to the states? No, you don't want to move to Florida?"

"No...yes, but...no." I mumbled as I raised my head up.

"Then what?" he asked a little more loudly, the annoyance still ever present.

"No, I can't move to the states. No, I can't move to Florida. And no, I can't move in with you." I said as I stared forward, never breaking my eyes away from the shiny brass handle of the second drawer of Jay's dresser. Maybe if I just stared at this inanimate object for the duration of my explanation, then it would be a little easier. For me, at least.

Jay lay there silent. Dammit, I didn't want him to be silent. I wanted him to talk, to yell, so we could argue about this, have our fight and get it all over with. I wanted it to be over with, this was making me more nervous by the second.

"Why?" Jay asked quietly.

There were a million reasons and I knew all of them. I longed to tell him, I did. This dead weight wanted to fall off of my shoulders...the only problem was I just couldn't stand to let it fall on Jay.

"I...I'm not ready." I blurted out. What the fuck was wrong with me? What was my major emotional dysfunction? I had the presence of mind to see, to feel, to understand that what I was doing to him was wrong. Why couldn't I just tell him, let him know that I wasn't in love? It was the same as asking why I couldn't bring myself to stab him in the eyeball with a ball point pen. Because it would have hurt like hell.

"After five years of being with me...after nearly two decades of friendship...after everything..." he said as he turned over and sat up alongside me, "You're actually going to tell me that you can't move in with me, that you won't buy a house with me because you aren't ready?" The staunch conviction in his voice when he spoke sent a chill up my spine.

No...this was for sure not going to end well.

I didn't want him to sit up...I didn't want him to even look at me,but he was. I could feel it. My eyes were still glued to that dresser drawer. I sighed. At least I had better look at him. I glanced over to him, staring a hole through me with those silver and blue eyes of his.

"How can you tell me something like that after everything you and I have shared together? You and I come as close to living together as you can get when we're out on the road together...tell me how sharing a home would be any different?" he asked me.

I felt myself cringe. What the hell could I say to him? I longed to tell him, tell that pleading set of eyes staring at me right now that I didn't feel what they thought I felt. How could I? How could I do this? He was so beautiful, staring at me with that look of scrutiny on his face. "It just would be, Jay."

Jay let out a short chuckle of disappointment. "It just would be. That's rich Adam." he said. He was silent again for a few more minutes. I laid back down against the pillow and tried to remember how to breathe. "Don't you think I deserve a more in depth explanation than that?" he finally said.

"I can't do it Jay. I'm not ready to move out, I'm not ready to move to the states. I don't think that I'm in a place where I could live with you like that. I don't know if I'm ready to own my own home. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of...commitment." I knew it was a mistake the second the word crossed my lips.

"Fuck." Jay said to himself. "So after all this time...you decide to tell me that you aren't ready for a big type of commitment, huh?" he asked me. "Okay, well, maybe we should start smaller then. Adam..." he said as he got up. "Would you like for me to wash your clothes for you or would that be too involved of a task for me to be doing? Would you rather go home to your mother's house to wash them than let them rotate in the same washing machine with mine? I know that would be a big COMMITMENT for your clothes to have to make to mine!!!" he said as he tossed the clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor into piles left and right like a madman.

He was just resorting to insulting me now. It was his defense mechanism, insulting, making fun of, generally making light of others. We all had one, something that we used to mask feelings. It could be used to hide any array of things...nervousness, sadness, hurt, anxiety. My defense mechanism was sex. If Jay was making me nervous or uncomfortable, I would usually turn to something physical to change the subject. Jay turned to insults. He didn't want me to pick up on how he was really feeling, so he turned to his sarcastic, cruel side to hide it from me. I didn't know which one was worse, his defense mechanism or mine.

If this moment hadn't turned so deadly serious, I may have laughed at the sight of Jay tossing our clothes around in such a rage. I knew better. "Jay..." I said as he was throwing things.

"Adam...I can understand you not wanting to move to Florida, to the states even. But how could you expect me to understand why you would refuse an offer to live with me? How?" he asked.

"I don't." I said softly as I found a new place to stare, up at the ceiling tile.

"You don't." he said as he began to get dressed, pulling on what was probably his last clean pair of jeans.  
"It's complicated, Jay." I said. "I...I don't..." I began to say, but was cut off.

"It's complicated, huh? It's not complicated from where I stand! It's real easy. It's a do or don't type situation, yes or no, simple, in black and white!" he yelled. "It's just that you want to make it more complicated than it has to be!"

"It's not as simple as you're make it out to be, Jay!" I yelled back as I sat up. Lord...why did I have to sit up. I met Jay's rage shadowed eyes with my own. Gone were the usual soft good looks of his face, the handsome contours I had come to enjoy. His usual goofy smile was washed away. His eyes were a cloudy shade of blue, like there was a storm brewing in them...I knew that there probably was.

"Why not? Why can't you live with me? You don't want people to see that we live together, let them get the wrong idea? I thought maybe we had gotten past most of that, Adam. Or maybe because you want to be free to pick up women or fuck other guys, living with me would sure put a damper on that little plan, wouldn't it? Maybe you just don't want your mother to know you're dating me? Is that it?" his wild accusations flew around the room like the clothes he had just been tossing about. Only difference was he was aiming at a direct target this time around...me.

Bullseye, every time.

"Or maybe it's just that you finally decided I'm not good enough for you. I thought the day would come, but...:"

"Stop!!! Fucking stop, Jay." I yelled as I pounded my fist against the pillow next to me. "How would you like it if I accused you of absurd things like that???" I yelled at him. He stood there before me with his hands on his hips, a smug look on his face. I was shocked, to say the least by what he was saying to me, what he thought about me. I had progressed a little in the area of our relationship being out in the open, only our closest, closest friends knew, but still, I had come pretty far, I thought. During the five years we had spent together I won't say I hadn't looked at another man or my fair share of women, but that's just being human. I looked...I never touched...never thought about doing anything with any lover other than Jay. How could he have said something so outlandish?

True, my mother had no idea we had been together all this time, but neither did Jay's parents. He had no right to say that to me when he himself had yet to admit to his parents who he really was. It was the last statement, though, that shot me. Right to the core of me. _"I thought the day would come, but..." _Had he really been thinking that all this time?

"Don't act like you've never said anything insulting to me, like you've never hurt me." he said as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head.

"I've never gone off on you and said things like that, things I obviously didn't mean." I said more softly this time.

"Who says I don't mean them?" he asked as he shot me a mean look.

I looked down at the blanket covering me. "Why would you think that I'd think you weren't good enough for me?" I said softly. That had hurt. It had hurt more than I could have imagined it would if you had told me it was coming, had the chance to prepare myself even.

"Because you're a selfish, self righteous, egotistical person by nature, Adam...and I'm not you...so how could I be good enough???" he said boldly. Here I had thought this argument was going to be filled with instances of me hurting Jay and feeling guilty about it. It wasn't panning out that way...was it? Instead, he was getting the best of me and I was feeling guilty about it...because I knew that some of the things he was saying were dead on...that he was right.

"Jay..." I began to say. He wasn't listening to me, though. I could tell. He shot me one last angry look before going across the hall and closing himself in the bathroom.

"Son of a bitch." I said to myself.

"_And that don't really matter to anyone anymore._

_But like a fool I keep losing my place_

_and I keep seeing you walk through that door."_

I waited a few minutes before walking over to the bathroom door, they lasted an eternity for me and I hoped they had lasted just as long for him. "Jay?" I said as I pressed my head against the door. "I know you're angry with me and that me having told you I didn't want to live with you came as a surprise to you, but I just...I can't do it. I'm not ready for that. I'm not grown up enough...I guess. I can't...I...I don't..." I was stuttering, I was faltering. It was because I was trying to make myself as well as Jay believe what I was saying, and I was failing in both ways, I feared.

The door opened then, Jay standing on the other side of it, staring at me. "Adam...you don't have to explain anything to me. I know what this is about." he said softly as he brushed past me. Jay walked back into his bedroom and gathered up his clothes and some other things into a duffel bag hurriedly.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my brain still trying to decipher the mystery of what he has just said to me as he walked out of the bathroom.

"I told you, Adam. Theres much to be done today. I have to go to the laundromat, I want to go to the gym, I have to pay my bills, I wanted to see my parents before I went back out on the road. I can't stay here all day and fight with you." he said as he threw the strap of the bag over his shoulder. "Be gone by the time I get back." he said as he glared at me. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I get the picture, Adam. It's loud and clear."

With that Jay walked off, leaving me to wallow in the weight of all of the things we had just said. Grand, just grand.

I sat down on the end of the bed, tired and angry, but mostly just guilty.

I got up eventually, pulling on my jeans from the previous night and picking up one of the shirts strewn across the rug, not really caring if it was clean or not or if it was even mine. In a slow daze I brushed my hair back and ran a toothbrush around in my mouth, staring in the mirror at myself.

I looked tired.

I rinsed out my mouth and gathered up my things, feeling defeated. I needed comfort. I needed solace. I needed mom.

"Oh, baby...I thought you'd left yesterday!!!" mom squealed as she flung open the front door and wrapped her arms around me.

Ah, mom. My clarity. "I don't think I'm much of a baby anymore, mom." I said as she hugged me.

"Adam, you could grow to be eight feet tall and you would still be my baby." she replied.

"Mom..." I sighed. "I don't have to leave until morning. I thought I'd come see you before I left."

She held my hands in hers and stretched my arms out in front of me, examining me.

"You look so tired, Adam." she sighed._ "No shit?" _I thought. This was the beginning of one of those usual worrisome mom speeches. "But...I guess as long as you're doing what you want to be doing..." she said as she let go of me, letting my arms fall back down. She had cut this one short. Good. "You want a cup of tea? Maybe it'll make those circles under your eyes go away."

"Gee...thanks mom." I said as I followed her to the kitchen.

"_But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,_

_and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust._

_There's a reason why people don't stay where they are._

_Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough."_

We sat and talked over cups of tea, the subject of Jay inevitably rising. "I don't wanna talk about Jay." I mumbled.

"Why not, Adam?" she asked me, looking up from the cup of tea she was holding.

"I just don't feel like it." I said. Mom looked at me with a puzzled look on her face then, half smiling as she did. She got up from the table and put her empty tea cup in the sink. She glanced over her shoulder at me as she asked, "You boys having a problem?"

Where had that question come from? "No...problem? What...? No, mom. There's no problem..." I said, unable to hide how uncomfortable I was having to lie to my mother.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Why would there be a problem?" I asked in return.

"Oh, I don't know..." she said slowly. Lord, if Jay had been over here already and come crying to my mother about our little lover's quarrel, then I would kill him. I'd have to. Nobody but me was going to tell my mother that I had been keeping the company of another man in my bed behind her back for the last five years straight. I sighed at that thought. I was a horrible person.

"Mom...I just don't want to talk about Jay." I said after a few awkward minutes of silence. You weren't supposed to share those kind of moments with your mother, especially when you were as close as I was to mine.

"You just seemed...less like yourself today, that's all." mom said. I could tell by the way she had said that to me she had picked her words carefully just then. "You seem distracted, almost sad. You sure there's nothing going on that I should be told?" she prodded me.

"_Yeah, mom. The last five years of my sex life." _I said to only myself. "No." I said quietly.

We were silent again after that. Mom was busy doing her thing at the sink. I was counting the tiles on the floor and trying my hardest not to think of what had happened this morning. I was failing.

"I know, Adam." mom said all of a sudden.

"Huh?" I said stupidly, looking at her.

"I know." she said once more.

"Know what, mom?" I asked.

"You know..." she said as she walked over to me, stopping behind the chair I sat in, dumbfounded. She put her hands on my shoulders as she said "About you, you and Jay."

"What?" I said loudly, turning in my seat so I could look at her face. "You...how, did you...what, mom?" I said, unable to make a complete sentence. "You...how?"

"I saw it with my own two eyes, that's how." she said. My mind flashed back to that night when mom had walked in my bedroom and found Jay and I sleeping there together, only half dressed, his head on my chest.

"You mean that night..." I asked her.

"Yes, that's what started it. But it wasn't all about that." she said as she sat down across from me once again. "I watched you two after that, wondering. I saw more than I bargained for. I thought that maybe I had just caught you in an awkward moment, or I had been seeing things. But I soon learned otherwise. I've seen the way Jay looks at you. He loves you. I can tell you two love each other."

"Mom..." I began to say to her, but she didn't let me finish.

"Now, Adam. I know what you're thinking. I'm going to be angry that you didn't tell me. I'm not going to approve of you being with him. I won't accept you. But none of that is true." she continued. I could do nothing but listen intently. "I don't care who you sleep with." she said softly as she took my hand in hers. "I saw how happy you kids were, so that was all that mattered to me. If you love each other then it's no business of mine if you're gay or whatever...and I knew that you would tell me in your own time. I love you no matter what you do, Adam."

I wanted to cry. "I know you do, mom. That's not the problem here." I said softly.

"What is it then, son? Tell me, you have to tell someone." she pleaded with me. "For god's sake, don't keep it all inside. This is the same problem I had with you when you were a kid, after your uncle died. You just held everything in and after a while you would explode. Then I'd have to pick you up and dust you off, get you back on your feet after things cooled off. I remember how hard that was, I know you do too, Adam." she looked up at me, now small tears crowding the corners of her eyes with having to repeat the history of my troubled childhood to me. She didn't have to tell the story, I knew it all too well. "Tell me?" she once again asked.

"He loves me." I said, getting choked up. "But I don't love him the same way."

"What do you mean the same way, Adam?" she asked, handing me a tissue.

"I'm not in love with him. I love him, I know I love him...I'm just not in love. I don't think I know how. It scares the hell out of me, mom. He tells me how in love with me he is and it scares me, mostly because I can't return the favor but also because I don't understand how he came to feel that way." I sobbed.

"Oh, baby..." she said to me, hugging me to her. "Adam...you sound so confused."

"Mom, I don't know what love is, not that kind of love at least." I sighed as I wiped my eyes. "Not the kind of love he has for me. I...I just don't know why I can't fall in love with him. He's the best, Jay is the most wonderful person...but I don't feel anything...my heart, it's just not there." I said. I leaned on the table as I asked mom "What does it feel like to be in love?"

She smiled at my question. It must have sounded pretty pathetic coming from her nearly twenty eight year old son. I should have been asking this question a decade and a half ago. If I had maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I was now.

"That's not something I can tell you, Adam. You have to figure it out yourself. But I will say this...you'll know it when you feel it." she said. That wasn't the answer I had been fishing for when I posed the question to her, but it would have to do. What I had wished for was some profound statement about love, something that would help me to understand why I felt, or couldn't feel, the way I did. I guess it wasn't going to be that simple. Oh well, at least I hoped.

Calls that I made later on that day to Jay's cell phone went unanswered, as did several voice mail messages I left for him. I at least took some comfort in the thought that I would see him once we got back out on the road, he couldn't avoid me forever. Somber and still defeated, I fell asleep at about nine o'clock that night on the couch. I needed the sleep, it was going to be a long week.

"_Now, I could never change you, _

_I don't want to blame you._

_Baby, you don't have to take the fall."_

"To the birthday boy!!!!!" Sean Morley had he biggest mouth. Good thing I was halfway to drunkenness already, or I would have protested when he practically yelled in my ear the simple yet touching toast he made as we downed our shots of tequila.

I was drinking, heavily, and whatever was put in front of me. How did that saying go, "Beer before liquor..." oh hell,my head was too heavy tonight to remember how it went, and I cared not about what would set me in the clear or get me sicker. It was forty minutes before my birthday. I sat in a bar in some god awfully small town in Indiana, just having finished the show for the night. I had accepted quickly the offer to be taken out for the night to celebrate. It was something that would hopefully get my mind off of what had happened this past week, the disaster that my relationship with my best friend and lover had turned into much too quickly for my liking.

Jay. I hadn't hardly talked to Jay since that morning argument we had had. I came to my hotel that following Friday only to discover that Jay had already gotten his own room for the night. I felt even more defeated with that news than I already did. Saturday we talked briefly. "Adam, we're both angry with each other. I don't want to have another fight with you like we had the other morning. I think it would be best if we just didn't share a room for a few days. Let both of us calm down, gather our thoughts." What could I say? I doubted there was anything I could have said that would have made a difference in this decision, and after all, it would only be a few days, so I let it go. Tonight I asked him if he was planning on attending the birthday bash at the bar down the street from the hotel. I was pleased when he said yes. It sounded like a step in the right direction.

I looked around. No sign of him yet. He probably wasn't going to show up. I couldn't blame him. If I were him I wouldn't have either. "Hey, I got a surprise for you, buddy." Sean said as he gripped my shoulder.

"More vodka?" I asked as I peered up at him from where I sat.

"No..." he said slowly as he sat down beside me at the table.

"Then I don't need it, whatever it is." I said as I happily took another drink out of my bottle of beer.

"I think you'll change your mind when you see what it is." he said to me as he leaned over towards me. "Remember when I used to hound you almost every single day about dating my sister?" he asked me.

"Yeah." I said as I picked up the fresh double shot of vodka the waitress had brought me. This would help. My next line was about to be "Thank fuck that you stopped. I hated that, man.", but the vodka was sliding down my throat, stopping it.

"Well, she's here tonight. I invited her to the show, and I was hoping you would like to meet her." Sean continued. Oh, how gracious of him. Just what I needed. Some broad to muck up my already screwy, drunk head.

"I don't know Sean..." I began to say.

"Now, Copeland...don't give me this BS again. Just meet her, talk to her for a little while. She wants to meet you, you're her favorite wrestler...well, second to me of course." he said cockily.

I rolled my eyes as I finished my beer. What the hell, it couldn't hurt to meet this girl I had heard so much about. I had nothing else to entertain me besides the booze, and it was making me feel a little fuzzy...maybe I needed a break.

"Okay...where is she?" I asked.

Sean smiled at me. He pointed over to the corner of the bar, to a blonde sitting on the end by herself. "Right over there." he said to me. She smiled as Sean pointed at her and waved shyly. I smiled back at her. Sean had been right, she was beautiful. "You want me to send her over here?" he asked me.

I thought about it. I was half...make that three quarters drunk, so standing up, walking was probably going to be a bit of a challenge. "Yeah, send her over here." I slurred.

I sat for a few minutes alone while I waited for her to come over to where I was. I watched the blinking lights of a Budweiser sign on the wall, trying my hardest not to think of Jay. It was an impossible task, even when I was angry as hell with him and drunk, he still seeped into my every thought._ "If Jay were here, then he'd probably tell me to stop drinking."_ I thought as I started on another beer. _"But he's not, I wonder where he is?"_

My daydreaming was brought to a halt by Sean introducing his sister to me. "Adam, this is Alanah." I smiled at her as warmly as I could muster as she set down three shots on the table. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. I pulled out the chair beside me and offered her a seat.

"I hear that someone's the birthday boy?" she cooed sweetly. Oh lord. Thank heavens she had bought me a shot. I was going to need it. We toasted to my birthday and all drank down our tequila. It was starting to get harder to hold my head up. Good thing I had Sean on one side and...what was her name again?...oh hell, the sister on the other side. They would catch my fall should I have so chosen to take a dive out of my chair at any given moment.

I felt as though I was the meat in an idiotic conversation sandwich as the two of them sat there, droning on and on about...something, music or some such drivel that they were trying to engage me in a conversation about. I wasn't biting. I stared at the clock on the wall behind the bar. It was nearly one in the morning, and still no sign of Jay. We had been here for almost two hours now. I had told him the right place...what time. Still, he had yet to show. I was getting more and more angry the more I drank, and I was drinking quite heavily. I was broken from my thought by the most blood curdling sound...her laugh. It sounded like a donkey in heat. I made a mental note not to say anything even remotely amusing for the rest of the night while in her presence as I excused myself to the bathroom.

I returned to the table to the sound of an upbeat song playing and a pair of outstretched hands asking me to dance. I looked at her, thinking about what to say. She was beautiful, a pair of deep set green eyes just a shade lighter than mine, long flowing blonde hair, a cute little smile pursed across her lips. From where I stood, the most unattractive thing about her thus far was that laugh. She was about the type of girl I would have picked out for myself had I not been with Jay. I guess Sean knew me pretty well. "Come on, Adam. Dance with me, I won't hurt you." she cooed in my ear softly.

In my drunken state this little gesture turned me on. I smiled down at her, telling her "How about we get a few more shots in me and then we'll venture out on the dance floor?" Yeah, that was just what I needed right now...to drink even more and then dance with a girl I had just met while pining away for my best friend...who was still nowhere in sight.

Fuck it...it was **my **birthday. I could do what I so pleased.

I stared at the four empty shot glasses in front of me. Had I swallowed the contents of all of them? I didn't remember having done it. I guessed though, that I was the guilty party. I seriously doubted that the bar fairy had come along and stolen my shots. If she had, I wouldn't have noticed anyway. Everything was a little more fuzzy now than it had been twenty minutes ago and it almost looked as though everyone was moving in slow motion around me in the bar. I glanced at the bar clock again. What...five thirty?...no, that wasn't right. I blinked a few times and looked again. Oh, one fifteen. That's better. Jay had better hurry up if he wants to see my on my birthday...the bar's only open for another hour.

"_Yes, I may have hurt you,_

_but I did not desert you._

_Maybe I just want to have it all."_

Where the fuck was Jay? Maybe he had decided that I wasn't worth the effort. All I wanted was for everything to go back to normal, how it had been. Being on the outs with him was killing me slowly but surely. I couldn't shake, however, this nagging feeling that something was seriously wrong, that everything wasn't just going to go back to normal, no matter how badly that was what I wanted.

"Adam...come dance with me." the girl beside me who was quickly on the right path to becoming as drunk as I was drawled out. "This is a good song." I couldn't even tell what the song was. It didn't really matter, I had no desire to dance and was horrible at it, so the song wouldn't have made any difference.

I picked my head up and looked at her. She stood before me, her hand outstretched to me. She was looking at me like it would have killed her if I'd said no. I grumbled, thinking about whether I should dance or commit murder. "Oh, what the hell...I should at least have some fun on my birthday, right?" I said as I got up from the barstool, carefully.

"You should...and I think I'm the perfect person to give it to you..." she said as she led me to the dance floor by the hand.

"_I don't know about that..."_ I thought to myself _"But it couldn't hurt to dance with you." _

Before I knew it, one song had turned into two, and by the third I was actually starting to like dancing with her. Alanah leaned into my ear, whispering, "You having fun, Adam?" The combination of being drunk and feeling her breath in my ear after a few days without contact with another human body did wonders to turn me on just then, much to my surprise and slight disdain.

I grinned down at her devilishly. "I am." I said slowly. She put her hands on my hips and brought her body against mine, moving against me slowly in time to the music. _"This is wrong...wrong...damn that feels good..."_ I thought to myself. She grinned up at me and let her hands weave into my hair, her breath falling against my collarbone softly as she rested her forehead against me.

I was feeling somewhat ashamed that she had the ability to turn me on, but then I thought about all of the cutting things Jay had said to me a few days ago in the midst of our argument. Something about rethinking all the nasty things he had said to me made it seem not so horrible to be liking how she felt against me._ " ...Or maybe because you want to be free to pick up women or fuck other guys, living with me would sure put a damper on that little plan, wouldn't it?..." _It hurt even more tonight than it had a few days ago. An angry heat passed through my body as I thought about how pissed off I still was that he had said that to me, and most of all that he had insinuated that he meant it.

"_Well, if that's what he thinks of me..." _my drunken brain said to my drunken body, who agreed.

I held on to Alanah by the hips and we swayed together, forgetting for those first few minutes that I was drunk off my ass and we were in a bar full of people. We just kept right on dancing, through to the next song. I was fully lost in the familiar feeling of having a warm body against mine, too far into intoxicated oblivion to care who it belonged to. I unabashedly let my hands roam over parts of female anatomy I hadn't touched in years, giving in to the fact that someone, anyone, was making my body react by using their own. By the fourth song, Alanah was whispering sweet, tequila induced things into my ear. I was only catching every other word, in my sloshed state. I didn't really care what the fuck she was saying anyway...just as long as she kept moving.

The beginning of the fifth song was when I came back to reality. I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Fuck off." I said without turning around.

"Adam!" I knew that voice. I let go and turned around to find the owner of it, Chris Irvine, staring at me with a not so pleased look on his face. He was one of very few who knew about Jay and I.

"I'll be back in a minute..." I mumbled to Alanah as I walked over to a not so crowded corner of the dance floor with Chris.

"Adam...what are you...?" he said, pausing as he glanced over to the door and then down at his feet before meeting his eyes with mine again. "Never mind, I don't even want to know...I'm not the one who you should be talking to right now anyway, Jay is." Jay! My head heavy as it was somehow felt lighter when Chris said that name.

"Jay, where is he? Is he here?" I said as I held on to Chris's arm.

"Over there." Chris said as he pointed over to the door.

Indeed, there Jay stood. He had the most blank look on his face. He was staring at us. "Oh...fuck." I said softly. I wondered how long he had been standing there. I wondered how much of my little display with Alanah he had witnessed. I had to talk to him. As soon as I began advancing on him, he made a mad dash for the door. "Jay! Jay, wait. Jay...!" I called out to him as he went out the door.

"_It makes a sound like thunder,_

_it makes me feel like rain._

_And like a fool who will never see the truth,_

_I keep thinking something's gonna change."_

I ran after him. Going out that door and outside was like entering another universe. The sky had turned starkly dark, much darker than it had been when we had gone inside a few hours ago. There was a light rain falling from the sky. Not enough to get you seriously wet, but enough to let you know that it was falling. The street was covered in a dense fog and it was horribly dark outside, barely enough light from the one streetlight on this block to see anything.  
I saw Jay heading down the street. I ran after him, catching up with him quickly. I grabbed him by the arm and spun him around to face me. "Jay..." the look he gave me as his face and mine met sent a chill through me. That look was enough in itself to tell me how much he had seen and what he thought of it. I was disoriented and dizzy, desperately trying to conjure up words now that I had stopped him. "I'm sorry." was all I could come up with. "I thought you weren't coming..." I said as my chin fell to my chest, half out of shame and half out of intoxication.

"So you decided that your only option was to dance with some chick, huh? Fuck you, Adam!!!" he yelled at me. He turned and began walking away from me again.

"No, Jay, wait..." I yelled as I went after him. I had to stop him, I wasn't just going to let this go, even as drunk as I was...I was sure I could fix it somehow. "Jay..." I looked around me, wishing I could make him stop. All around me was dimly lit, wet Indiana city streets. I followed as he continued to walk further away.

"Fuck off, Adam." he said as he kept right on going.

"Goddammit, Jay. STOP!" I yelled. I looked to my left then, seeing an alley. I grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him over to it, Jay protesting all the way.

"Adam, get off of me!!!" he yelled as I pressed him against the brick wall.

"Jay, just let me explain." I begged, looking at him there in the dark. I put my hands against the damp wall of the alley across from me, above Jay's shoulders. I didn't want to let him get away from me, not easily, at least.

"There's nothing to explain!" he screamed at me as he flashed the most angry look I had ever seen in his eyes at me, just holding it there to let it linger, eat at me.

"You left me all alone for the past four days...you hardly even talked to me. What's that supposed to make me think?" I asked.

"I told you why, Adam. I guess that wasn't good enough for you though, was it?" he yelled as he pointed at me.

"And what about all those things you said to me...how was I supposed to not think about them? Is that really how you feel? Did you mean what you said to me that morning? You think I'd fuck around on you, that I'm ashamed, that you were never good enough for me? That's all you left me with, Jay. How's that not going to get to me?" I yelled in return.

"Just look at what you were doing in there...I was obviously right." he said. "You've probably been fucking with her this whole time, ever since that night a couple of years ago..." he said.

"What do you mean..." I said softly.

"Don't play dumb, Adam. I know who that is, it's Sean's sister. He told me. He caught me right when I walked in. He said he thought she'd finally gotten you. I'm not STUPID, Adam. Don't treat me like I am." he yelled.

"I just met her tonight, Jay. I'd never seen her before in my life. I only did it to make Sean shut the hell up." I sighed. I knew that wasn't a good enough reason to justify anything.

"You sure as hell weren't acting like it." he said, trying to push his way out from between my arms.

"Jay, don't go." I said.

"Why not?" he asked, looking at me. "Why should I stand out here in the freezing cold, getting wetter and wetter while I listen to your half-assed drunken excuses?"

"Because...because...you...I don't know..." I finally stuttered out.

"How did you expect me to react when I walk in to find you all over some woman?" he asked me.

"I dunno." I whispered. My already heavy head was feeling even more weighed down by Jay and his words.

"It's nothing I couldn't have expected though, I guess it's just par for the course." he mumbled.

"What?" I asked.

"What more could I have hoped for out of you?" he asked me as he looked into my eyes.

"Dammit, Jay, What do you mean?" I yelled, wishing he wouldn't talk in riddles...especially not when I was filled with alcohol.

"What the fuck would you care if you and I never lived together? What the fuck would you care if I saw you with someone else, a woman? What would it matter to you if I never spoke to you again?" he yelled wildly at me.

"I DO CARE!!! The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you, Jay. I don't understand..." I said to him, but I was cut off.

"Why would it matter to you if you hurt me, Adam? You don't even fucking love me!!!"

"_There's a danger in loving somebody too much._

_and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust._

_There's a reason why people don't stay where they are._

_Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough."_

I was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. I didn't even feel the raindrops anymore as they continued to fall down on both of us. I stared at a brick in the wall across from me as I finally gathered up the strength to say "I do love you, Jay."

"Don't lie to me, Adam. You don't love me, you never have." he said. I looked at his face. I knew I was crying. I couldn't tell if Jay was. The rain was hiding the evidence well if he was.

"Jay, of course I have." I said as I brought my hand off from the wall and down to his shoulder.

"Don't lie, god Adam, you've been lying to me for five years!!! Don't you think it's about time you started telling me the truth?" he yelled. "You must really think I'm blind."

"I don't think you're blind." I mumbled at the ground. I was so confused, so hurt now by the way this argument had just turned. This was a direction I never thought he would be taking it.

"I don't even know why I'm bothering to talk to you, you're so drunk Adam." he said, exasperated. He was right, I was. But I was sober enough now, with the startling statement he had made, to know I wanted to ask him about this.

"How could you tell...?" I said softly, still staring at the ground.

"What??? Speak up, Adam." Jay yelled.

I raised my head up and leaned it against the wall behind me, looking up at the stormy sky. I closed my eyes so the rain couldn't get in as I once again asked him, "How could you tell?"

"How could I not? I knew you were lying to me that first night you told me you loved me. Hell, I knew it was too soon for me to have been telling you that I loved you, but I had to, Adam. I just had to. I'd been holding it for so long that I knew I would have exploded if I hadn't." he said.

"I knew right then and there you hadn't meant what you said. I hoped selfishly that it would be different once we got home, once we were really together." he continued, his voice breaking every so often. Now I knew he had to be crying, rain or no rain I was sure there were tears on his face just as they were on mine. "So I just accepted it, that you didn't love me. I told myself, 'Maybe not yet...but he will.' I was such a damned idiot."

"I told myself the same thing...I tried, Jay. I really tried..." I said softly.

"You must have thought you had me fooled, huh? That I believed you when you said it. I knew you weren't fucking in love with me, Adam. I knew. It was clear as day to me. I could see it in your eyes when you said it, that curtain of doubt and insecurity that covered your face every time you had to lie about loving me. It was something you never learned how to hide well, no matter how many times you tried."

"Then why did you stay, if you knew? What made you still want to be with me, hell, even still love me if you could tell that I was lying?" I asked him.

"I should ask you the same question. What made you stay?" he said. "I know why I stayed. I stayed because I loved you. I loved and still love you with all of my heart, Adam. I love you more than anything else in this world, more than I love myself. It was just going to have to be good enough for me, I guessed." he said, clearly broken up by having this argument with me.

"Jay..." I said, guilt seeping out through my every pore. "It was never good enough..."

"It was good enough for me, I figured. It would just have to be good enough for me that I could have you and be with you, even if we both knew you didn't love me. As long as I had you, even though there were days when it hurt like hell...it was enough to know that I had you."

"Why was it so important to have me?" I asked.

"It was what I'd always wanted." he sighed, wiping his eyes. "You were all that I had ever wanted, Adam. You were who I needed, who I loved. There was never anyone else. It was always you...from the time we were kids up until now, it was you, it's been you. You were the only one, you were it. So even if it meant I'd have to live with the truth of knowing you didn't really love me, that you lied to me...then it was what I had to bear with to have you."

"Why do you think I lied?" I asked, tears falling down my cheeks.

"I never really understood why, Adam. I guess it was because you were scared. Scared that if you didn't make me think you loved me too, that you would have lost me. You didn't want to hurt me, I knew that. I understood. I just kept hoping, maybe someday..." Jay said as I felt him looking up at me. I glanced down at him, letting my head fall forward again, away from the wall. "...maybe the day would come I could look in your eyes and know you meant what you were saying. That you weren't just going through the motions. You actually did love me. It never came, though. No matter how hard I tried."

"Jay...I always felt so guilty...I tried to love you...I did. You don't know how much it hurt to have to lie to you...how much it hurt that you loved me and I couldn't love you...I just...I can't understand...I don't know how." I said shakily. "Why wait until now to tell me this...why now? After five years...why do it now?" I asked, swallowing hard, not sure if I wanted him to answer.

He turned his head away from me as he said, "Because I can't do it anymore."

"What do you mean you can't do it anymore?" I asked, feeling the tears swelling at the corners of my eyes, the fear building in the pit of my stomach.

"It's not good enough for me. I can't do it any longer. I can't be with you knowing that you don't love me, Adam. It's too painful for me, for you too." he said. "I just can't go on like this."

"What are you saying then...that it's over?" I asked fearfully.

"Yeah." he said, his voice cracking.

"No. No, Jay. Don't say that." I said quickly, taking his face in my hands.

"Adam..." he said softly in protest.

"Jay, you can't...I need you." I said as I looked down at him.

"How can I stay with you? How? You don't love me. Tell me how I can live with that any longer?" he said, pulling my hands from his face.

I couldn't answer him because there was no answer. He was right. He shouldn't be with me. It would only cause him further heartache if he were to stay with me. I knew he was right, but I wasn't about to let him go.

"Jay...no. I can't be without you. I need you. Even if I don't love you...I still need you." I said, pulling him closer to me. "I do love you...I love you in my own way. Let that be good enough." I whispered desperately as I hugged his body to mine.

"It can't be." he said, obviously upset. "It never will be."

"Jay...let me love you in my way. I promise you...I'll...I'll try my hardest. I'll be different...I'll be better. I'll try harder. You'll see. I'll make all of this pain you've felt go away, all of the guilt, too. I'll make up for it...every single time I've ever had to lie to you about being in love...I'll find a way to make it up to you...I can make it right...just let me...please stay..." I stuttered out my pleas shakily, wishing I hadn't had so much to drink.

"You can't, Adam. There's nothing you can do." he said.

"Jay...please, just let me show you." I whimpered out as I grabbed him roughly and kissed him, his lips wet against mine from all of the rain. I begged, pleaded with my lips on his for him to open his mouth, part his lips for me. I thought if I could just get him to give in to my kiss that everything would work out.

He protested, trying to push me away from him,but I held on tight to his arms. I continued my assault with my lips, trying my best to get him to kiss me in return. He wouldn't. His lips were sealed shut. He mumbled words of defense against my attempted kiss, but I wasn't going to give up. I knew I could change things if he would just let me kiss him.

What happened next was the worst part of the night. Forget about me having dirty danced with someone else. Forget about him revealing to me that he knew I didn't love him, that it was over between us. What happened next blew all of that out of the water.

Somehow Jay broke his face away from mine and shoved me away. He used his arms to push me by the shoulders into the wall behind me forcefully, yelling at me as he did. "Adam! What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you...there's nothing you can do!!! You're so drunk...just stop, it's enough Adam."

As soon as his yelling stopped and I realized that he had shoved me against the wall, the alcohol took over my entire body. I saw nothing but a curtain of red over my eyes as I felt the anger boiling in me. I couldn't have stopped my fist if I'd tried. I clenched my teeth and I lunged at him, striking him with my punch. He slumped against the wall across from me, holding his cheek.

As soon as he looked back up at me, I came back to earth. "Oh, fuck. Jay...I'm sorry...it's just that you pushed me against the wall and..." I stuttered as I tried to help him up.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME, ADAM!!!" he yelled as he picked himself up and walked out of the alley and back out onto the street.

I didn't follow him, though I wanted to. I knew that I had lost, I was defeated. I leaned sideways against the wall, cursing at myself in drunk obscenities for what I had just done. How could I have done that? What was wrong with me?

"Adam...where the hell did you go?" Sean asked as I came back inside and sat down.

"Nowhere..." I said softly.

"You're all wet, man." he said as he sat down beside me.

"Yeah...it's raining." I said lifelessly. Why should I have said it with any kind of enthusiasm? My life had just ended. Jay knew I didn't love him and that I never had. I had just lost my best friend, I had punched him in the face...how much worse could it get?

I had to get lost, I couldn't stay in what was now my reality. I didn't want to face what had just happened out there...I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough. "I need more to drink." I said as I made my way over to the bar. I stood there, drinking another beer and taking shot after shot. Alanah came over to me, wrapping her arm around me.

"I though you'd left. I was hoping that you hadn't though...I was having fun with you." she cooed in my ear. I handed her a shot and we toasted to my birthday once more before the bartender yelled out for last call.

"_And there's no way home, _

_when it's late at night and you're all alone._

_Are there things that you wanted to say?_

_And do you feel me beside you in your bed,_

_there beside you,_

_where I used to lay?"_

I woke up in the morning confused, disorientated, everything fuzzy. My eyes flew open. I felt trapped. I didn't know where I was. I threw the pillow off of my head and turned over onto my back. The sun was just beginning to shine softly through the blinds as I glanced over to the clock. Good, I wasn't late for anything yet. _"Oh...fuck me. How much did I drink last night...oh shit, it's my birthday..."_ I said to myself as I pulled my hair out of my face. My head was still pounding and my eyes felt tight and dry there in their sockets. I stretched my arms out and one of them landed unexpectedly against something warm next to me. I was startled. I sat up, pulling the blanket away to see a girl. _"Shit!!! That blonde from last night...I can't even remember her name...dammit!!!" _I said to myself. She was naked and I soon found that I was as well. My heart sank. Had I really done this?

I got out of bed and into the shower. I stood there under the stream of hot water trying to remember what had happened last night. I could clearly recall what had happened between Jay and I...no matter how sloppily drunk I had managed to get myself last night, I would never be able to forget that. It's what happened after that had me lost. I tried to remember it.

"_Let's see...I went inside...went to the bar...drank more...last call...elevator ride...Sean's sister and I making out on the way up here...oh, no." _I thought.

It all came back to me then, as the water ran over my head. "What did I do...?" I asked myself.

"Jay...Chris...good morning guys!!!" Sean said as he sat down uninvited at the breakfast table the two men were sharing in the hotel that morning.

"Hey, Sean." Chris said.

"Morning." Jay mumbled from behind his coffee cup.

"Whoa...Jay. Get into a bar fight last night, did you?" Sean asked. "Pretty nasty bruise under your eye there."

"Yeah, I guess you could call it that." Jay said as he glanced over at Chris, seeing the knowing frown on his face as he lied about the mark on his cheek.

"I should see the other guy...right?" Sean said as he reached over and nudged Jay.

"Probably best if you didn't" Jay said softly as he returned to his coffee. Sean laughed.

"Anyway, I came down here to ask you guys if you'd seen Adam. I get the feeling he left with my sister, but neither one of them have their cell phones turned on...I've been trying to call them all morning...they're probably together, hungover. You haven't seen him, have you?" Sean continued.

"Nope. I haven't." Chris said.

"Me neither." Jay mumbled.

"Oh well, they'll surface eventually." Sean concluded as he got up from the table."I'll leave you guys alone. See ya."

The two men sat silently at the table for a few minutes. Jay, tired of the silence, picked up the morning paper from the table and began to open it. Chris reached across the table and pushed it down, looking at him. "What?" Jay asked.

"You really don't think he'd do that...do you?" Chris asked, knowing he need not say more than that for Jay to understand what he was asking.

"I don't see why not..." Jay sighed as he pulled the newspaper back up to cover his face. He didn't want Chris to see that he was trying not to cry at the breakfast table.

"_And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,_

_and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch._

_There's a reason why people don't stay who they are._

_Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough._

_Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough."_

_Monday, January 15th, 2007_

_Tampa, Florida_

Jay leaned back against the headrest of his seat, thinking to himself, _"Just one more day...just two sets of tapings. Then I can come back home and rest."_ It had been a long weekend. Pay per view last night. Tapings this afternoon. Plus, it was too warm in the car. _"Maybe if Terry wouldn't breathe so hard..."_ he thought to himself as he rolled down his window a crack.

"What, man? Do I smell or something?" Terry asked jokingly.

"No, no. It's just hot in here is all." Jay mumbled. It was quiet. Too quiet... Jay could hear his thoughts and that usually was a bad thing. He reached over and turned on the radio. At least they should have something to listen to while they drove to Orlando.

As Jay flipped through the stations, Terry spoke to him. "Adam called me the other day."

Jay frowned at the radio as he said softly, "Oh yeah? That's nice."

"He asked about you." he continued.

"Did he?" Jay said, giving up momentarily on finding a good song.

"Yup. He asked how you were and all that stuff. He told me to tell you to call him, that you hadn't talked to him in a while." Terry concluded.

"Yeah...I've been busy." Jay lied. He knew he hadn't been in touch with Adam. That he would try to relay a message to call him through Terry seemed pretty pathetic, though. Jay just ignored the complications of it, for now, and tried to find a song to settle on. Finally, he came across a familiar song. "I love this song..." he said softly as he turned it up and began singing along.

"_I try to discover_

_A little something to make me sweeter_

_Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart_

_I'm so in love with you...Ill be forever blue_

_That you give me no reason_

_Why you're making me work so hard"_

Jay sang along because it reminded him of a time when he felt differently. When he was a different person. When he felt more than he did now...both good and bad.

Terry just snickered in the drivers seat. Jay didn't care. He kept right on singing this song that brought back bittersweet feelings from way back when in his life.

"_Soul, I hear you calling_

_Oh baby please give a little respect to me..._

_And if I should falter_

_Would you open your arms out to me?_

_We can make love not war_

_And live at peace in our hearts_

_I'm so in love with you...Ill be forever blue_

_What religion or reason_

_Could drive a man to forsake his lover?_

_Don't you tell me no_

_Don't you tell me no_

_Don't you tell me no_

_Don't you tell me no"_

It made him think of Adam, think of what his life used to be. He knew that Adam had to think of him once in a while, as Jay often thought of him. But it was too late for all of that now. Nothing would be able to turn back the hands of time...not after all of the damage they had both done over the years. Still, Jay wondered what would happen if he were to call him, finally get back in touch. He shook that idea from his head, saying softly, "No...it's too late."

"What did ya say?" Terry asked.

Jay rested his elbow against the window, sighing as he watched Tampa pass him by. "Nothing." Jay said as the song faded away.

"_That you give me no_

_That you give me no_

_That you give me no_

_That you give me no_

_Soul, I hear you calling..._

_Oh baby please give a little respect to me"_


	14. Flashback Chapter

This little chapter of my story is like a flashback chapter, it doesn't really fit in anyplace in the order of the story as I have written it, but I had to write it. The inspiration came to me from my roommate. She's obsessed with the band Blue October, every time I get in her car with her, she's playing it. I don't really care for them...except for this one song, at the end of the cd, called "18th Floor Balcony". It just screamed old school E&C at me for some reason. At first I thought I had missed the opportunity to use it, that I was supposed to have used it about seven chapters ago and it just wasn't going to happen. Then, the more I thought about the lyrics, the idea came to me. This isn't part of the story proper, I thought I would just throw it in here for good measure. I am thinking about doing a whole set of these, though...these flashback chapters. I'll have to see how it pans out.

This chapter is told from Jay's POV, not Adam's. I think the song fits more the way he felt than how Adam did. I'm having such fun writing these two. I hope everyone enjoys!!!

Like always, I am using names and lyrics without permission, work of fiction, no profit being made.

_Thursday, April 1st, 1999_

_Oberhausen, Germany_

"_I close my eyes and I smile_

_Knowing that everything is alright_

_to the core_

_so close that door_

_is this happening?"_

"Ooooh..." I breathed out as I watched the sights and sounds of Oberhausen passing me by. I must have sounded like a little kid. To be honest with you...I felt like one. Why shouldn't I have been excited? It was my first time in a European country. I sat there in the backseat on the way to our hotel hoping that this wouldn't be my last.

"Jay, what are you looking at?" Adam asked from the front seat.

"Everything." I softly answered. I was trying to memorize this, tuck it away for future reference someplace in the back of my mind. I was feeling so many things right now I wasn't even sure I could have named them all. The feeling of gratitude was overwhelming me. That I was lucky enough to have been chosen to have a spot in the WWF, where I got to travel to beautiful places like this...I just didn't know how to describe the feeling that it left me with. I stared out the window, my eyes trying to quickly scan over everything. The breeze coming in from the opened windows of the car was circulating around me. It felt good, that somewhat cold air hitting my skin and I sighed, smiling as we drove. There's only one first time for everything. I never forgot that fact. I tried my hardest to remember things like this, big first events in life. They were special, at least to me.

"Just don't drool on the window, kid." Dave called to me from the drivers seat.

"Yeah...I won't..." I mumbled, so entranced by where I was and what was happening that his words didn't even register in my head until a few minutes later when Dave and Adam both were still laughing at me. "Hey...!!!" I protested. We drove on a little further down the road. When Dave stopped at an intersection I looked to my left, seeing a strip of road that was lit up like Las Vegas. "What's that...what's down there?" I asked excitedly.

"Like a moth to a flame..." Adam muttered out under his breath as we all looked down the way I was referring to.

"Shut up, Adam." was all I could manage to say.

"It's probably another stretch of town." Dave said. It was gorgeous. I wanted to know what was down there. I had to see it. Adam must have been reading my mind. "I suppose you want to go down that way and see what's down there, don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said softly as I gazed out the window.

"It's out of our way, Jay..." Dave began to say in a semi-annoyed voice, "...But I guess for you...we can make a little trip off the beaten path." he said finally as he turned down the road. "But if we should get lost...it's your ass." he warned me. 

"_My breath is on your hair_

_I'm unaware_

_That you've opened the blinds and let the city in_

_God, you held my hand_

_And we stand_

_Just taking in everything."_

"I can't believe you made me get out and stand in front of that fountain." Adam said when we got in the elevator and began moving up towards our room. He was referencing twenty minutes earlier when I had made Dave stop and take our picture in front of the fountain in the part of downtown Oberhausen that was down that road. It had been beautiful, I just had to have a picture of it.

"Oh, stop complaining, Adam. It wasn't that bad, was it?" I asked as I set the bag I had been carrying down.

"I should have picked you up and thrown you in." he said, that playful sparkle in his eyes. I laughed at him. "What? You don't think I would have done it?" he asked, smiling down at me.

"I'm sure you would have." I said. "But you would have gone in with me, I'd have made sure of that." The elevator ride was taking forever. I finally asked "Did you get us a room on the damn roof, Adam?"

"Yeah. I did. I figured you'd want to see all of the city you could, so I told her to put us up on the roof." he joked. "We're on the 18th floor, Jay."

"Oh." I said. "What's wrong with me being excited to be here? It's our first time out of North America, Adam. Aren't you excited even just a little? We're in Europe, in Germany. It's a beautiful country."

"I think you're plenty into it for the both of us. I don't get all geeked about things like this the way you do." he said. He paused, looking over at me. I think he thought he had insulted me somehow. "I'm just a little tired." he sighed. "That long plane ride over here didn't agree with me the way it did you." He finished, half smiling at me.

"I guess not." I said, secretly wishing his attitude were a little more upbeat than it currently was. Finally we reached our room. I set my bags down as Adam closed the door behind us. "I'm going to take a shower." I said. I turned around to find Adam much closer to me than I thought he had been. He smiled down at me warmly as he hugged me to him. His embrace was warm and soft. I felt safe and as if I had found a home as he hugged me to his cotton shirt. I smiled, my head resting on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Jay." he mumbled. "I don't mean to be a downer."

"You're not." I whispered to him.

"Sometimes I feel like one." he said. "I didn't mean to take away from this trip for you. I just don't like to travel like this. It makes me tired." he said as he held on to me tight. He brought his lips to the side of my forehead, leaving light kisses there. I couldn't contain the smile that this brought.

"It's okay, Adam. Not even a bad attitude from you could spoil this kind of trip for me." I said.

"Good." he replied. We just stood there together, holding on to one another. Eventually I broke from his embrace and got into the shower. Hot water, steam...it felt good to me tonight, almost as though it was doing something to clear the thoughts from my head. I was thinking of Adam and the observations I made about him in our relationship. I could tell he was unsure of himself at times when with me. I was sure that he would grow to be more situated as time passed. Until then I just had to press away the thought that maybe he wasn't really in love with me. There were days when I could look in his eyes and know for certain that he wasn't confident in his admissions of love for me. It was just this way his face would tighten up or his eyes would shift as he said it that made me think so.

Then there were the nights that I was sure there was some love behind the heated whispers and silent gazes we shared as the passion was on display between us. Maybe it was only in those moments that he meant it. Either way, love or no love...I had him. I had my Adam, what I had waited so long for. If this was how I got to have him...as long as he was mine...then so be it. I could live with that. At least for now.

I shook the water out of my hair and tried to send the thoughts that plagued me with it. I didn't want to think about it now, it could wait until we got back home. I wrapped a towel around myself and got out of the shower. I had just finished drying my hair when Adam walked in. He came to stand behind me, setting down a pair of my pants on the counter top of the sink. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck as he held me. "Maybe you should have gotten in the shower with me..." I breathed out as he made me heart thump away in my chest just with the touch of his lips.

"I thought about it...but I came up with a better plan." he said as he held his hands around the front of me, his golden hair falling over his shoulder and brushing against the bare flesh of mine. It sent a tingle through me. I couldn't resist taking in a breath, the scent of his hair. It smelled like someplace far away and warm, a tropical beach or a sunny day by the ocean. I didn't want him to let me go just yet, but he did, saying to me "Put on your pants and come out here."

"What for?" I asked him.

"Just do it, Jay." he said as he walked back out into our room. So I did it, I pulled my pants on, zipping but not bothering to button them. I pulled my hair back away from my face and strode out to where Adam was.

When we came in, I hadn't even noticed the fact that we had a room with a balcony. It was impossible now to not see, though, as Adam had opened up the blinds of the sliding glass door and let the view we had from our room in for us to see.

"Adam..." I whispered as I tried to take in all of the sights at once. We had the most gorgeous view of the city. The sky was clear, the wind was blowing just slightly, the lights from the buildings illuminating everything around us. Adam stood in the doorway, leaning against the sliding glass. He turned to me, saying "Come look at this. It's beautiful, Jay." He came over to me and held on to my hand as he led me out onto the balcony. I stood at the edge of the balcony in awe of how gorgeous our view up here was. You could see nearly everything from where we stood. The little silhouettes of the few people walking down the streets, the tops of the canopies of the buildings, everything. Adam stood behind me. I brought the hand he was still holding in his up to my chest, putting it over my heart. He held his other arm around my neck and rested his chin on top of my head as we stood there, silently gazing at the lights of the city. 

"_And I knew it from the start_

_So my arms are open wide_

_Your head is on my stomach_

_And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep_

_Here we are_

_On this 18th floor balcony._

_We're both flying away"_

I was helplessly lost in what I was staring at. "Isn't it beautiful Jay?" he whispered to me.

"Yeah." I said softly. I looked over my shoulder to him. His eyes were all lit up by the city lights and he had this strange smile curled across his lips. It made me have to smile all of a sudden. "Makes you a little happier we came here?" I asked softly as I rubbed my hand over his.

"Of course I'm happy we came here." he said, kissing my bare shoulder. "I'm with you." It was moments like these that almost made me think that he loved me. I should enjoy it while it's here. Adam broke his embrace around my neck but still held on to my hand, this time leading me over to the padded lounge chair that sat on the balcony. He smiled warmly at me as he sat me down in it. I sank in happily as Adam climbed on with me, stretching like a lazy cat and resting his head in the middle of my chest. "That breeze feels good." I commented, stretching out my arms above my head.

"Uh huh." he replied as he wrapped his arm around my torso. "I could almost fall asleep right out here." I brushed my hands through his hair as we both laid there in that lounge chair, taking in the foreign air and the atmosphere of it all. "I guess Germany isn't so bad after all." Adam said slowly. I laughed and held my head back against the chair, closing my eyes. 

"_So we talked about moms and dads_

_About family pasts_

_Just getting to know where we came from_

_Our hearts were on display_

_For all to see_

_I can't believe this is happening to me" _

There he was, all wrapped up with me. His head resting against me like that of a loyal family pet. The realization that I had him...that after all those years I had tortured myself with thoughts of never seeing this day come...after everything it had taken to get this far...he was mine, and it made me smile every time I thought of it. Adam laid there across me, his eyes half closed, hair spread out against my skin. I tilted my head to the side and let it rest against the chair as I stared out at the never ending line of city lights before me. "Do you think my mom knows?"

"Huh?" I said, startled by this odd question Adam had chosen to break our silence.

"Do you think she knows about us?" he said again, holding his head up enough to look at me as he spoke. "Remember that night she walked in my room and we were in bed?"

"What made you think of that?" I asked as I held my palm against his cheek.

"Laying here with you." he answered, smiling.

"I doubt it. We weren't doing anything. We were laying there half asleep, Adam. I don't think mom would think of it that way." I said.

"What about your parents?" he continued.

"No, they don't know." I said softly, almost as though I didn't want to admit it to myself that I had yet to be able to tell them. "My brothers either."

"What do you think they'd do if they knew?" he sighed, shifting against me.

I scoffed. "My father would probably lay an egg right on the spot. I don't know about my mother, she might not take it as badly. But my brothers..." I said, pausing. "They'd likely never speak to me again. Or you, for that matter. Josh would probably be angry with me for being gay and Jeremy would hate me for not having told him." I sighed.

"You really think so...?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah. I think it's a little too late now to tell them. Maybe someday...maybe I'll tell them." I said softly as my hands still mindlessly tangled through his hair.I looked down at him to see him peering up at me with those eyes of his...those impossibly blue-green eyes. Why did he have to look at me like that? And what was he smiling at?

He must have sensed that the thought of telling my family, or better yet, having not told my family, was a bit of a sore subject for me to discuss. "Well...I don't care that you're sleeping with me..." he said as his hand traveled further south, down the front of my still unbuttoned pants. "In fact..." he began, pausing only to press his lips against the skin of my stomach, "...I rather like it..." he said, immediately replacing his lips on my flesh when the sentence had been completed. I felt that familiar hot, almost burning feeling spreading across my body as he kissed my stomach. It felt like the color red, like what my mind imagined fire to have felt like if it were to have been flowing through my veins. That's what Adam's kiss felt like.

Liquid Fire.

Spreading all through me..

"_And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours_

_That I was so yours for the taking_

_I'm so yours for the taking_

_That's when I felt the wind pick up_

_I grabbed the rail while choking up_

_These words to say and then you kissed me..."_

I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he kissed along the skin of my stomach and chest, his hand intruding just slightly down the front of my undone pants. "Adam..." I whispered to him, "What if someone sees?" I said as I shifted in the lounge chair.

"See what?...how hot you look?...laying here with me half naked?...me covering you with kisses?..." he asked mischievously. "Don't worry Jay, nobody is going to see us up here." he said softly as he continued leaving his mark on my flesh with his lips. "And if they do, they're very lucky." he said softly as he unzipped my pants and pushed the front of them down a little further.

"Adam!" I whispered harshly and abruptly as his hand made contact with my already half hard cock. What can I say...liquid fire has that effect on me. The feeling of the night air hitting places that had up until a few seconds ago been covered and the feeling of Adam's hot hand on me came as a surprise, startling me.

"Shhh, Jay." he whispered as I shuddered under his touch. He kissed in the middle of my chest. "Just lay back." He smiled devilishly at me, flashing those obscenely white teeth at me. Adam, for the most part, either looked like a demented killer or a sex god when he smiled. I liked to think tonight he looked like a healthy mix of both.

"Okay." I surrendered to him as he kept on kissing. He grinned at me once again. This time I let my hand slide softly against his cheek as he pressed his lips to the skin below my nipples. I couldn't resist reaching out to touch him. There was a certain something that had always drawn me to Adam. I'll be damned if I've found a way yet to resist it...and I doubt I would have applied it if I had. My thumb trailed around his chin. When I brought it back up he caught it between his lips, softly kissing and gently sucking on it as he began to raise up from his previous position across me.

The lustful expression on his face and the feeling of his tongue on my thumb made something inside of me melt. I don't know how he did it, but gracefully, effortlessly, he leaned closer to my face as he took off my pants and tossed them aside. I had to steady myself by holding on to the metal railing of the balcony enclosure closest to where we were sitting as he did so, mostly because he was still toying with my thumb between his lips and staring at me like that...it made me feel weak as a helpless little kitten and was turning me on like mad.

"Adam..." I stuttered out softly as he let go of his soft grip on my thumb. I wanted to tell him how beautiful he looked there in the lights of the city. I wanted to tell him how crippling the feeling of his lips against my flesh was for me. I wanted to say something, anything...but then his eyes flashed at me, locking on to my own...and I was lost.

Whatever words I had been planning on saying, I think I had planned on just starting out with a simple "I love you", were lost as those blue-green pools of lust gazed deep into me. They were almost ready to come out, they got stuck someplace in the back of my throat, like a cough that wouldn't quite come out, and I was choking on them as he continued to stare at me.

The words disappeared when he kissed me. They were long forgotten as Adam pressed his lips against mine, gently parted and hot. I sighed against them, pushing the words away for now, knowing that they could wait until later, that they would have only interrupted this moment anyway. My body softened against his as his tongue now took it's turn teasing my own inside of my mouth. I pulled up his shirt far enough to allow my hands free roaming access to his chest as he continued kissing.

"_I knew it from the start_

_So my arms are open wide_

_Your head is on my stomach_

_And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep_

_Here we are_

_On this 18th floor balcony..._

_We're both flying away."_

Soon we were both naked, his trail of kisses having traveled lower, his lips now closing around my hardness. I laid my head back and groaned. _"This must be what heaven feels like"_, I concluded as I closed my eyes tight and let the pleasure overtake me. There was no other feeling in this world quite like that of Adam's mouth on my cock. Being out here in the wide open space of the night made me feel as though every single sensation I was feeling was heightened tenfold. The feeling of Adam's hand gripping the base of my cock as his tongue teased the tip mixed with the thrill of feeling the foreign air brushing over my skin was euphoric.

Somehow in all of this we made our way to the bed and began making love. I was so lost in all of what we were doing, where we were, and what I was feeling right then that I didn't even remember leaving the balcony and getting into bed together. We made love painstakingly slowly that night, Adam on top of me, inside of me. It seemed to last forever. Every second, every sensation, every move, every whimper, every word, it seemed to last forever and hang over us as we laid there together. When I finally did come I let out the breath I had been holding and felt that sweet feeling of release pass through me, invading my body and mind all at once. Adam followed not far behind me with an orgasm of his own.

Afterwards we laid together for a long time, not really moving, not talking, just silently appreciating each other. Eventually I looked over at Adam to see if he had yet fallen asleep. His eyes were about half open, a crooked smile displayed on his face. I smiled softly to myself at this sight. I felt a draft on my skin, remembering that the sliding glass door to the balcony was still open as the breeze passed through the room. I got up and closed it, letting the blinds close back over the city after catching one last good long look at the lights and the beauty of where we were. I would remember this, it wouldn't easily be forgotten.

"_And I'll try to sleep_

_To keep you in my dreams_

_'til I can bring you home with me_

_I'll try to sleep_

_And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams"_

I got back in bed with Adam, pulling the sheets up over us. "Jay?" he asked softly as I laid down next to him once more.

"Yeah?" I whispered to him. "What is it, Adam?"

He looked at me for a long time, this thoughtful look on his face as he stared at me. I smiled at him and pulled him closer to me. I kissed his forehead and tried to settle my head into my pillow. He still stared at me, finally saying "I love you, Jay."

Maybe it was the fact that we were in another country, a beautiful place, maybe it was the lovemaking that had just occurred, maybe it was the foreign air, or it could have been the fact that he was telling me what I wanted to hear. It could have been any one of those things or none of them at all, I'm not really sure what it was to be honest...but in that moment when he said he loved me, I believed him.

"_Here we are_

_On this 18th floor balcony... we're both.._

_Flying away"_


	15. Chapter 15

Author's note...

This chapter starts back up again where the last one left off. Song lyrics used are "Close My Eyes" by Jordan Knight. I wanted to use this song mainly for the part towards the end which starts out "When I close my eyes I'm a kid again...", I thought that part fit really well into the story. This chapter is told from Jay's point of view. We find our hero trying to make it out on his own now that the relationship between Adam and himself has come to an end. Enjoy!!!

_January 2002_

_Tampa, Florida_

"_Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."_

I pulled up to the house and threw the car into park, sighing. Florida. This was what I had wanted. Since the first time I wrestled here, I knew I could see myself living here.

A nice warm place to start building my life.

Alone.

I checked and re-checked the address on the sheet of paper I held in my hand. I glanced at my watch. 9:43. I was a little early. I got out of the car anyway and walked around to the passenger side, taking in a big breath of air. Clean air, fresh air, air that didn't know anything about me.

Perfect.

I leaned against the passenger side door and stared at the house before me. Chris had bought a house just a block over a few months earlier and had been gracious enough to set up an appointment for me to look at this place with the real estate agent that had sold him on his house. I just wanted to move, to get the hell out of Canada. I wanted to get away from everything. My life had become painful, too cluttered, too complicated there, at "home". I needed a new "home". This looked like a good place to start.

I was lost in a thought about something and someone far away from where I was standing when she arrived. "Mr. Reso...?" she asked me timidly as she looked up at me. I felt bad that I had been so deep in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed her walking over to me.

"Yeah. Sorry." I said, shaking my head free of the thoughts that had been entertaining me. "Hi." I said as I outstretched my hand to her. "You can call me Jay. You must be Denise."

"Yes, I am." she said as she gently took my hand. "Well, Jay, it's nice to meet you. Chris said you were from Canada? I grew up in Germany..." she began talking, a lot, but I only was listening to half of what she was saying. My mind liked to wander, especially at this point in my life when I was faced with being in a position I had never thought I would be in.

Alone.

On my own.

Without Adam, as either my friend or lover.

Just without.

"...well, should we look around outside first?" she asked, looking up at me once more, timidly. She seemed really shy. Maybe she was just nervous. Maybe she wasn't a very good real estate agent. Maybe she was just intimidated by my boyish good looks...

"As you can see it needs a little landscaping work here and there. Just some minor things. There are a few trees that we just planted in the back, you'll see them when we get back there. You've got room for a garden here, alongside the fencing..." she said as she pointed to this and that as she spoke.

I looked around, again only listening to half of what she was saying. I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, but I honestly didn't care about her little sales pitch. If this looked like a home I could live in then I was going to buy it, no matter how much or little selling she put into this. "Now there was room made for an outdoor pool back here, but when we get inside I'll show you the indoor pool that there were plans made for when the original owners started building, but never finished." She continued as we walked around the back of the house. _"Great. I would have more than one option if I wanted to drown myself." _I thought.

After Denise had showed me around outside we ventured to the inside. Just as she said, the house was only about half completed. There would be a lot of work I would have to put in if I was to purchase this house. The kitchen was only about half finished. There was a big hole off to the side of the living room where the indoor pool was supposed to go. The master bedroom was only half covered in wallpaper.

I walked through the long hallway, looking around me one last time. She was still talking, Denise was. She seemed to like to do that. At least she had a halfway pleasant tone of voice. It made it a tad more bearable. "Tell me again why the house wasn't finished?" I asked, interrupting her.

"Oh, the couple divorced while they were building the place. This was all the further they got with their renovations before they split up." she said, smiling. "So, with that in mind...what do you think of it?"

I thought about it one last time before answering. It was going to be a hell of a project, but it would at least serve as something to keep me busy in my off time. To keep my mind off of other things, at least. I didn't honestly feel like looking at any other houses. I didn't have the patience or the energy right now to put forth any more effort than I already had. This would do me just fine. I could take it and turn it into my own, with time. I leaned my head back, taking in a deep breath as I closed my eyes. I looked back down, saying slowly as I grinned, "I'll take it."

"What...what did you say?" she asked, turning to face me. "Did you say you'll take it?" she asked, surprised.

"Yeah. That's what I said." I replied as I placed my hands in my pockets. "I'll take it, where do I sign, what do I sign?" I asked.

"Well, uh..." she began, obviously flustered by my quick offer to buy.

"Look, I know this may have caught you off guard, but you have to understand that I am eager to get on with my life. I really just want to get out of Canada, away from home. I need a place to start over and this looks like as good of a place as any to start." I said slowly.

"I see." she said as she folded her arms in front of her. She smiled up at me, saying "Why don't we go back to my office and we can draw up some paperwork and go over some details?"

"He asked about you again."

I frowned as I continued wrapping my dishes up in bubble wrap and placing them in the box on the counter. I cursed the fact that it had grown more and more inconvenient that my former lover and current best friend still talked regularly...mostly about me.

"Did you hear me, Jay?" Chris asked. "I said he asked..."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time, Chris." I said as I turned to face him. "I just didn't care." I lied.

"Yes you do, Jay." he replied knowingly. "You couldn't fool me if you tried your hardest. He asked me why you were moving down to Florida."

"What did you tell him?" I asked, unsure of whether or not I wanted to know.

"That it was what you wanted. That if I had to give my best guess this was your idea of an escape from what was left of your life with him." Chris said, sighing. "You know, sometimes I hate this...this being caught in the middle thing. I feel as though I'm being pulled in all different directions and I hate the way it feels, Jay."

"You don't have to be pulled in different directions." I said dryly.

"But I do. I hear it from your side, how things are for you and the way you feel. I can sympathize with you. But then there's Adam telling me how he feels." I scoffed under my breath, something I knew was a mistake right away. "Jay...you've gotta understand...he feels so badly for what he's done."

"Good." I said as I stacked the last few pieces of china in the box and closed it. "He should."

Chris sighed heavily and it just hung there in my kitchen for a few minutes, neither one of us knowing how to react to or recover from it. "I wish you two would bury the hatchet." he finally said.

"Not likely." I replied. "Did you come up here to give me a lecture about the remains of my relationship with Adam or did you come here to finish helping me get ready to move?" I asked, mildly annoyed.

Chris looked up at me, a serious look in his eyes. "Both."

I frowned again. I picked up the box and began to carry it away, yelling behind me as I did "I only need one of those things, Chris. I think you know which one it is."

He followed behind me with another box of my belongings. As he set it down beside the others he asked me "What did you think of Denise?"

"Why would you ask me a question like that?" I said, wondering when he was going to let up. "She was...polite and professional...and blonde." I sighed as I pulled my hair out of my eyes.

"That's not what I meant, Jay." he laughed.

"Well then what did you mean?" I asked, now more than mildly annoyed.

"She liked you, Jay. She asked me if you were single. I told her you were. I told her she should go after you if she was interested. You made some kind of impression on her." he said.

I laughed. The thought of me in a relationship with anyone right now was nothing but a joke. I didn't see that happening for a long time. "I can't help it if I'm charming." I smiled.

"Yeah...I'll bet you can't..." Chris said softly and sarcastically.

"Look, Chris..." I began, not sure of how to say what I wanted to say. "She was a beautiful girl and all, but...I prefer my blondes a little bit more muscular, maybe a little taller...and male..."

Chris laughed. "Okay, Jay. I get the drift."

"Are you going to finish helping me pack up or what?" I asked impatiently as I headed back into the kitchen. I had only bought the house a week and a half ago and had been packing up little by little every chance I got since. I wanted to finish today.

"You really want to get out of Canada, don't you?" he asked.

I took one last long look around my kitchen and sighed. "You have no idea."

This was the first night here in my new home. In my new bed. I stretched my arms over my head, groaning as I did. I couldn't shake the thought that I was like a fish out of water. I tried my hardest to ease the thought away by telling myself that I would grow used to it, just like anything else in life it would have to take some getting adjusted to in order for it to feel right. I guessed that could be called true about most things, all but one. The thought of having to live my life without Adam was something that I knew I would never grow used to, no matter how much time were to have passed.

I turned over onto my side. No matter how I laid, it just didn't feel comfortable. I felt like I was laying on a thousand stiff boards instead of an overpriced luxury mattress. I bunched my pillows up around my head and curled up against the comforter, trying to find a comfortable position that would let me drift off into sleep.

After struggling for awhile I gave up. I knew that my first night here probably wouldn't be easy. The realization that I was actually out on my own this far from home for the first time was a harsh one. When I had imagined this moment over the years this had not been exactly how I'd pictured it. I always thought that when my first house was purchased Adam would be right there at my side. That we'd be living together. I had to let go of that notion. It was never going to happen now. It was too late.

I couldn't sleep. I turned to what I usually did on nights when I couldn't sleep. I masturbated. Whether it was out on the road, at home, whatever, when sleep wouldn't come for me I turned to self stimulation to help me wind down. I knew that a little release would assist me in finding slumber.

I stared up at the ceiling, one arm propped over my head and one hand beginning to tease at the head of my half hard cock as I let a flurry of different memories run through my head. When I masturbated I always relived a certain memory of sex, love, or lust. Since Adam was the only lover I'd ever had, it always involved him. Besides the couple of girls in high school I had kissed and one I had felt up, Adam was the only person who I'd ever had a physical relationship with. He never knew it, I'd never had the heart to tell him, but he had been the only one. He was it. He was what I knew of touch. He was what I knew of love. He was what I knew of intimacy. He was what I knew of sex. Naturally, he was what I thought of as I touched myself to help me get off.

I lay there, my eyes half closed. I tried to decide upon what to let my mind wander away to as I jacked off tonight. I had several favorites, memories of which I would often fantasize about while I masturbated. There was the time in Germany when Adam opened up the curtains and let the entire city in our hotel room as we made love. There was the first time we fucked, there in that high school classroom, privately hidden away from the rest of the world. Then there was the memory of the sex we had after our first fight. We screwed each other so hard that night that I remember at the time thinking I should have picked fights with him more often. Pictures, feelings, memories of all these things flashed through my mind as I stroked up and down my cock a few times, bringing it to full hardness. For some reason none of them were really hitting the right buttons for me tonight.

I let my mind wander and finally came to a thought that turned me on. I smiled and closed my eyes as I began to reminisce about the time I had to call Adam to come pick me up from a party.

It was right after high school graduation. My love for Adam was at a fevered pitch at the time, I was driving myself insane with fantasies of him, longing for him. Every day back then was a battle for me. I was fighting an internal struggle between whether I should tell him how I was feeling or I should just let it go. I desperately wanted to tell him but was plagued by the notion that something awful would happen if I did. I didn't want to lose him, so I kept my mouth shut.

It was a Friday night, early August. I had gone to this house party about forty minutes away from my parent's house. I'd gone with a couple of my buddies who practically ditched me not long after we had gotten there. At the time I guess college girls who made the promise to buy you alcohol and fuck you were more entertaining than the friend you'd come there with who wasn't interested in anything those said girls had to offer. I decided to get shitty drunk to amend the situation. Best possible decision I could have made. Looking back on the situation now, I remember at the beginning, I just wanted to drink to escape the fact that my friends had left me, but as I drank more and more, I started thinking of Adam. I ended up, after all, trying to drown my thoughts of him. Little did I know, my thoughts had a very high tolerance for alcohol.

Beer after beer, shot after shot, I got more and more drunk. If I'd been smart, if I'd been thinking, if I'd used my head then I would have realized that I had no way to get home at the end of the night. Of course, I'd done none of those things and had ended up stranded. In the process of trying to find a way home when the party broke up at about three am, instead of finding someone mellow and willing to drive me home, I encountered a few belligerent drunk assholes. I nearly got into a fight but it was stopped by the host of the party. After the car full of belligerent assholes had departed, I decided to walk to the gas station up the street and call Adam.

He, of course, came to get me. He wasn't exactly happy that he had to get out of bed at three am and drive to come get my drunken stranded carcass, but he did it anyway. On the ride home, he was relatively quiet. I was grateful for the temporary silence as we drove. Even in my drunken state I knew that it wouldn't last. I glanced over at him, my eyes glazed over surely and my head heavy, I was barely able to hold it up. I didn't think he looked angry with me, but I couldn't really read him there in the dark.

He took me home with him and helped me inside, setting me down on his bed. "I don't wanna bother you, Adam. I'll sleep on the couch..." I began to say as I got up. I was halted by Adam's hand on my shoulder.

"No, Jay just lay down. You can sleep in bed with me. It's big enough for the both of us." he said as he let go of me and proceeded to kick off his shoes.

"_Yeah. Great. A fucking glorious idea, Adam. Share a bed with you."_ I thought to myself. _"I haven't done that since we were about twelve years old. It's not quite the same scenario now, though."_

"You okay, Jay?...how much did you have to drink?" he asked, taking his shirt off and tossing it away, leaving just a form fitting tank top covering his upper body.

"_Dammit, Adam. Why did you have to do that?"_ I asked silently. After staring at him for a few awkward moments I said softly "Enough."

He smiled at me. "They just left you?" he asked me as he sat down on his side of the bed.

"Yeah." I said, leaning back and giving in to Adam's invitation to let me sleep in his bed. "They found something more entertaining than me, apparently." I sighed.

"Like what?" Adam laughed, as though there was nothing in the world more entertaining than me, drunk.

"Girls. Girls who promised to buy alcohol and put out at the end of the night." I said. _"Something I had no interest in what-so-ever."_ I said to myself.

"Oh." he said as he leaned back against his pillow.

After that we were silent. We just laid there together. I listened to Adam breathing softly. I watched the soft night lights flickering in patterns outside the window as cars went by, shadows were cast by the clouds, things shifted in the night. The alcohol coursing through my body was going to keep me awake for some time, I knew. My brain was a bit fuzzy, but still all abuzz with thoughts about the night, about things that were happening, about the best friend laying beside me, the object of all my lust laden desires. I groaned slightly and turned onto my side, turning myself away from Adam and towards the edge of the bed, staring at the wall.

I couldn't have been laying there like that for more than a few minutes when I felt Adam shift beside me. I thought he was getting up or turning over, but the immense heat of his body near to mine soon told me different. I turned my head slightly, seeing his arm moving towards me. _"Oh, sweet Christ. Please, tell me he's not going to touch me...please...if there's a god..." _I said to myself. It fell on deaf ears, though. Adam leaned against me, his forearm resting against my side and the rest of his body a mere fraction of an inch from being pressed directly against the back of mine. I'd never felt anything so hot in my life, this searing feeling of being this close to him. It didn't help any that I had been burning up anyway, being drunk. I was on the verge of sweating, having him this near to me. _"For fuck's sake, what is he doing?"_ I asked myself.

"Jay?" he finally said, staring down at me. I turned slightly, his arm moving initially and then leaning back down against my stomach when I had adjusted myself. Our shoulders were touching. My flesh was almost against his flesh. It made me wish I had taken off my shirt too before I had gotten into the bed.

I swallowed hard. He was looking down at me, staring into me. "Yeah?" I replied softly.

"We're going to room together once we get to Humber, right?" he asked me.

I sighed. He had turned me over...leaned up against me...shaken me up...done all of this to ask me for the hundredth time about college?_ "Fuck, Adam. Could you be any more clueless?"_ I asked myself. "Yes, Adam. We are." I said plainly.

"And we're going to try to get into wrestling school together, right?" he asked me, shifting some of his weight on his other arm as he propped his chin up under his palm.

"Yes. Jesus Christ." I sighed. "Adam, we've talked about this every day practically since we were sixteen. We're going to college together. We're going to wrestle together. We're going to make it in the business together. Just like we've been planning on since the day we met. How many times are you going to ask me and why do you choose to do it when I'm drunk?" I asked slowly and punctually, being careful not to slur my words as I knew it would just earn me harsh ribbing.

"I dunno." he said softly, shifting his eyes away from me. I felt bad then. He had been serious in his questioning of our future and I'd been too harsh with my answer.

"I'm sorry, Adam." I said as I gripped his shoulder, not even realizing in my intoxicated state that I was using my fingers and thumb to rub his bare shoulder.

"It's okay, I know you probably get tired of hearing me ask." he said as he once again made eye contact with me. I had never wanted him more than that moment, when his eyes met with mine just then. The ironic part was I had never been closer either. He was right there...right in front of me. He was mine for the taking. I could have just reached out and grabbed him, pulled his face to mine and ravaged him with a drunken kiss. But I didn't, of course I didn't. I was too afraid. I was afraid of him. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid most of all of what I felt.

"No, it's not that...it's just..." I began to say, but I paused. I forgot where I was going with the thought because I realized I still had a grip on his shoulder. I looked at my hand and then at Adam, taking my hand away and laying it back down at my side. He barely seemed to notice the fact that I had made myself feel awkward, he just kept going.

"It's just that I want to know that you're going to be there." he said to me as he smiled. "I know you always tell me that you are and all, but you never know. You may just change your mind. I don't want to do this by myself. I don't want to have to room with some fucking strange weirdo at college." he joked. I began to laugh lightly, until what happened next, as he continued. It was nothing to laugh at. "I want to room with this weirdo." he said as he raised his hand above my face and touched my forehead with the first two fingers of his hand.

I had closed my eyes as he did. My laughter came to an abrupt halt. What had been a light, innocent moment had turned so quickly. My mind was racing to process the fact that Adam had touched my face. His hand was still on me, resting near his arm that was leaning across me, just below my jaw. I looked over at him. He was just watching me sleepily, I think waiting for me to say something. I swallowed hard.

What I wanted to say was that I wanted him. I'd wanted him for years now. I wanted so badly to kiss him. His face was right there, those lips were so close. I just stared at him for a second, my eyes burning a hole in that perfect face of his, I'm sure. I had to say something, I would look weird if I didn't. I faked a smile and said "You know I'll be there, Adam.". It was luckily just enough of an answer that night to please him.

He smiled down at me. "Good." he seemed pleased. I wondered if I looked as conflicted as I was feeling in that moment. I prayed that I didn't. "I'll let you go to sleep." he said as he turned back over to the other side of the bed. I let out a heavy breath. I couldn't remember the last time I had breathed out since Adam had been close to me.

I often chose this memory to pleasure myself to. I think that it was one of the ones I liked the best because it was bittersweet in so many ways. I had what I had wanted for the longest time, the one thing I had put above all others. I had him right there and I was so close. Yet, I did nothing about it. I remember so clearly the feeling I had that night. I was so scared as he laid there with me, so close to me. Now as I think of it, he was just as scared as I was, he was just as nervous. He was there with me asking me for the millionth time about or plans for that fall after high school had ended. He had always thought I was going to back out on him, leave and go on my own path instead of the one we had always planned on going on together. If only back then he had known how hooked on him he had me, he would never have had a single doubt.

I thought of this particular night in our history because there were times lately when the thought had crossed my mind that things may have been better if I had always kept them that way. If I had never kissed Adam, had never told him how I felt. If I had always only come that close, but then backed out. If I'd have never told him, maybe our relationship would be different now. That thought would always be overridden by the fact that I knew what I would have missed had that been what I had chosen to do. I sometimes, though, liked to think of a time when I didn't know what I was missing. It seemed simpler now.

My orgasm came as I recalled this event in my head. I came with my eyes tightly closed and my fist clenched around my cock. I sighed as I got out of bed and ran myself a hot shower. That would help me fall asleep too, at least I was hoping.

Finally I lay there in my new bed, in my new home, with the start of what I was sure would be a much more new life looming before me. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea or not now that I had gone through with it, but I didn't have much of a choice. Even if Adam wasn't by my side, at least I always had the memories. They were just as good. And they would always be there when I closed my eyes. They would never betray me.

"_When I close my eyes I'm a kid again_

_I can think about the time we became best friends_

_And we played in the park didn't have a care_

_Then you smiled at me and I knew right there_

_I would hold your hand it would be the start_

_Of a promise that no other love would steal my heart_

_Now the pain of losing you I just can't erase_

_But when I close my eyes it's a better place"_

That next day I spent most of my time just puttering around the house. I unpacked, arranged some things. Just kept myself busy and tried not to think of anything in particular as I did. At about four thirty I retired to the kitchen. I sat on the kitchen counter and opened a beer. I was daydreaming, looking around at all the work that was still left to be done when she snuck up on me, startling me. "Jay?"

I'm sure I must have jumped three feet off the counter, the softness of her voice startling me. I laughed when I had gathered up my composure once again. "Denise. Hello." I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Jay. I didn't mean to scare you, and I don't mean to barge in or anything like that..." she said, apologizing what had to have been ten times in one breath. "...I just came by because I still had a set of keys I forgot to give to you." she said, handing them to me. "And, I brought you a house warming present." she said nervously as she handed me a bottle of red wine. "...and, well...I was also hoping that maybe if you weren't busy...or you didn't have plans...that you'd like to join me for dinner tonight?"

I set the bottle of wine down on the counter and looked over at her, her eyes looking up at me. The look in them was both unsure and expectant, yet hopeful at the same time. I sighed. How could I tell her no? And after all, it was just dinner. It couldn't hurt, I guessed. I grinned. "Really?" I asked slyly. "Just where were you thinking of taking me and when were you planning on having me home?". She smiled at me and giggled, happy I'm sure that I had broken some of the proverbial ice.

"Well..." she began as I searched for the wine opener. I grinned. Maybe women weren't so bad after all. Especially if they came with dinner and free wine.


	16. Chapter 16

This chapter directly follows the last one. It's told from Adam's point of view. Amy makes a special guest appearance in this chapter. This is a fictional story. I don't own any of the names or song lyrics used within and am using them without permission. I am making no profit from this story.

March, 2002

State College, Pennsylvania

"Amy?...what does love mean?" Amy looked up at me, a thoughtful look across her soft features. I was hoping in asking this question for the second time that I might get a more insightful answer than I had the first time from my Mother. Not that I didn't take what she had to say in response to heart, it just hadn't been the miracle answer I had been searching for. I didn't know if anything ever could be, but that didn't stop me any from searching. I knew what I wanted to find, to hear. I wanted something to make me understand how it felt, or how it was supposed to feel and to explain to me what I was lacking that made it so that I didn't feel it. For Jay. I wanted someone to tell me what was wrong with me, maybe to cure me.

"Adam?" she asked me, giggling slightly. "I don't mean to laugh, but..." she began. I was already beginning to not like the direction her answer was taking.

"Look, Ames...just forget it then..." I said, looking down into my cup of coffee. I had invited her out to breakfast this morning looking for some insight, female insight. They said that women were smarter than men, I was hoping that maybe I could get some of that in Amy to rub off on me.

Amy. She sat there across from me at the table, that thoughtful look still displayed on her face. She was my closest female friend, aside from my Mother, of course. It was different with her, my friendship. I almost felt as though I could be more open with her, that she would be more accepting of me and what I had to say because she was a woman. I felt differently with her than I did any of my male friends, for certain. Maybe that was just because it was Amy, and Amy was a rare type of person to begin with.

"No, Adam..." she said as she reached across the table to take my hand. I smiled as she did. There it was, that acceptance. "Let me think about it for a minute." She concluded as she sighed. She took a long drink out of her coffee and leaned back against the cushioned seat of the booth as the wheels in her head turned. "It's...well, It's like..." she began as she made a motion in front of herself with her arms. She sighed heavily, locking her eyes to mine. "Do you understand how hard it is, how tough of a question that is, Adam?" she asked me. "It's like asking 'When is someday?" or 'Why does the wind blow?'. All I can do is try my best to tell you how it feels for me."

Amy knew about Jay and I, the relationship we had. I had spent many long road trips or sleepless nights telling her about it, from beginning to end she knew the whole story. She was also perceptive enough to know exactly what question I was asking her. "That's all I want." I said to her.

She smiled as she continued. "Well...love is like...like something familiar...that you know will always be there no matter what. Love is like a faithful dog that you know will always come to greet you when you arrive home and would protect you from any kind of danger known to man." She stopped then, trying to find more words. "It's like this...this warm feeling that takes over your whole body when you think about it. It overwhelms you. You can't help but feel it and let it take you over."

Those words disturbed me. _"You can't help but feel it..." _I didn't feel it. I knew that much. But why?

Amy continued as I watched her eyes, hoping that maybe I could find an answer somewhere in them or in the words she spoke.

"As far as with Matt goes..." she began, sighing as she propped her elbow up on the table and leaned against it. "...it just grew and grew. I felt so drawn to him, like I knew that there was a reason why I was supposed to be close to this person or...or like I knew that something was supposed to happen. It was just natural..." she said, trailing off.

I frowned slightly. What Jay and I had shared seemed like something natural as well. Best friends, partners, lovers...it seemed like a flawless progression. There hadn't been a day that had passed me by since that night it all ended between us that I found myself used to the feeling of not having him beside me.

Amy must have seen what I was feeling, read my expression as Jay popped into my mind just then. "Adam, why don't you try to talk to him. It's been some time now. Maybe he would be a little more open to hearing what you have to say."

"I doubt it." I scoffed as I set my coffee down. "He doesn't want to have anything to do with me, Amy. That's abundantly clear to me. I don't think there's anything I could do to make him change his mind about me now. He sees me as the man he loves that can't love him in return. That'll never do." I sighed.

"You know he's suffering as much as you are. It has to be tearing him up inside as much as it is you, Adam. Do you honestly think that after all the years the two of you have been close, like brothers, he would shut you out like this, forever?" she asked, staring at me with a determined look on her face.

"I hurt him, Amy. I hurt him deeply. He'll never forgive me for that. He won't forget what I did to him. He won't let go of how that feels for him, not now and not ever." I say, the familiar pain that seeps into my stomach when I recall the events of our ending beginning to make itself known.

"Adam..." Amy said, taking my hand in her own once more. " You have to stop beating yourself up over this."

"I don't beat myself up over it, it's just that...I hate the feeling that I failed. I failed myself, I failed him, and I failed at love. I couldn't do it. It just wouldn't happen and for the life of me, I can't understand why." I said.

Amy looked at me for a long time, her head cocked to the side as she did, before she spoke again. "I think, Adam, that you need to fix whatever it is inside of you that makes you feel as though you can't fall in love with someone before you worry about anyone else. Put yourself first and how you feel before anyone else."

"That's exactly what I did, though, Ames. I put myself first. I acted selfishly. If you knew that you didn't love Matt, would you stay with him?" I asked.

She frowned at me with that question. She looked down at the table as she answered, wrapping her fingers around her coffee cup. "No, probably not."

"Exactly. I stayed. I knew that I wasn't in love with him. I knew that I didn't feel for him the things he felt for me. Yet, I stayed. I knew that one day it would all end up blowing up in my face and we would both be hurt because of it, but I stayed. I stayed because I kept hoping and hoping, in vain, that I would magically wake up one morning and feel it. I was selfish." I said.

"I know you didn't do it all for yourself, Adam. You did it as much for Jay as you did for yourself." she said.

"And what happened? I ended up hurting him even more in the process. He knew, Amy. I must have been a fool, been blind to think that he didn't see right through me. It was Jay, after all. He knew me better than anyone else...knew me...yeah..." I practically whispered the last few words. Amy squeezed my hand then, bringing my head back up to look at her. She smiled at me warmly. It made me feel slightly less guilty.

"I still say you should go to him, you should talk with him. At least you could try." she said, still smiling at me from across the table.

"He won't even acknowledge my presence these days, Amy." I sighed. "I've tried. I send messages with Chris for him to take back down to Florida with him, I've tried to call him. I've attempted to make eye contact with him when passing him by. It's just no use. It's over, it's done." I hated telling myself, or anyone else, for that matter, that it was over. Friendship, brotherhood, they're never supposed to end. But when you'd been through what Jay and I had, I guess you judged it by a different set of rules. "The couple of times right after it ended that I attempted to get him to stop and talk with me, he just brushed me off as if it was nothing. As if I was nothing. I can't do that again, it hurts."

"I know it does. I know, Adam." she said sweetly. Even if she couldn't completely understand how it felt or where I was coming from, at least the thought that she did made me feel a little better. "Why don't we talk about something else?"

I grinned. "That is the best idea you've had yet today, Amy." She smiled at me in return. I liked it when Amy smiled. She was beautiful when she did. Maybe I didn't have any more of an idea of what love was supposed to feel like, but I had some damn good company to share this breakfast table with this morning. That in itself was comfort enough for me.


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: This Chapter is told from Jay's point of view. Song lyrics used are from the song "Drive By Kiss" by The Dambuilders. I am using the lyrics and names without permission. This is a work of fiction. I am making no profit from it.

_Wednesday, November 26__th__, 2003_

_Toronto, Ontario Canada_

"_I still see the two of us together_

_when the winter wind blows cold._

_You can't get lost as long as you remember_

_if you know where the highway goes."_

I sat in the living room of my parent's house just observing. This was the first year I had been home for Thanksgiving in the last three years and I just wanted to do nothing more than enjoy it. It was not that simple, though. After fielding all the "Adam..." this and "Adam..." that questions yesterday night when I arrived, I had that much less energy to talk about my new haircut. I come home and the only thing my Mom and brothers can talk about is my former best friend and my hair? Great.

I shrugged off most of the questions about him. Some others I gave just short responses, one or two words of an answer that I knew would please them or make them stop asking. The honest truth was I didn't know how Adam was doing or what he had planned this Thanksgiving or if he was coming home this weekend. I hadn't talked to the man for just over two years. All I had wanted to do was finally get to spend some time at home, relaxing and getting back in with my family. I had hoped to avoid the complicated things, but unfortunately they were unavoidable, it seemed.

I had two ways of dealing with the relationship I'd had with Adam, I had two completely different approaches when it came to living with what had happened between us. The first was the one I had chosen to use yesterday. It was what I called the "negative" approach, in which I lived with nothing but resentment, bitterness, and regret for ever having loved him. Last night after my parents had gone to bed, my brothers and I sat in the living room, talking. I sat in my Dad's chair, the one closest to the front window, the one overlooking the entirety of the front yard. The very chair that when I was a child I used to climb into to look out of the window on Christmas Eve so that I could gaze up at the sky and attempt to spot Santa Claus.

I got lost, sitting there in that worn out recliner last night. Nothing my brothers were talking about was heard by my ears after I flopped down into that comfortable old thing. I went to another place, that "negative" place. It had been a long day. Within the last forty eight hours, I had traveled from Ohio back down to Florida and then all the way up here, back home. I was worn out. I stared out that window and lost myself in regret, hatred, raw emotion. I sat there, my fists clenched around the ends of the armrests. It was dark outside, there must have been a streetlight out somewhere near the house. The sky was clear, there was hardly a cloud to be found in the sky. There were a few inches of snow on the ground. I think the snow was what had gotten me thinking.

I began thinking about where I was sitting, how I stood not so far from my present location that day, the day it happened. I stood there, looking out that window and waiting for Adam. It had been snowing that day, it wasn't snowing now. I was glad. I didn't want it to snow. I hated the snow. I hated Adam.

I got lost in my thought of what my life might be like today if I had never leaned over in the front seat of his car that night and kissed him. I would probably still have my closest childhood friend in my life. I would have missed out on what was most likely the love of my life. Would it have been a fair trade? Either way I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Either way I would have missed out on something.

I remember thinking this last night and reaching up to run my hand through my hair, still expecting it to be long. It wasn't. It never would be again. Neither would Adam and I. I wished last night that I had never kissed him, that he hadn't kissed me back, that I had never met him and never fallen in love with him in the first place. I excused myself from my brothers and headed to my old bedroom. As I walked down the hallway I knew that I'd end up regretting having made those wishes when I woke up in the morning.

And I was right. I regretted those wishes as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, coming to the realization that I was in my old bed, the very bed I had shared with Adam on so many occasions. From the moment I woke up this morning, I entered into what I call the "positive" approach, the "positive" state of mind. It meant that I spent every moment living in the memories of the relationship I had shared with Adam, reminiscing about it and telling myself that no matter what, I was lucky to have ever had the chance to share something like that with him in the first place.

I spent the whole rest of the day like this, from my first cup of coffee to right now, as the light was beginning to drain out of the day and the night was beginning to fall. It had started snowing late this morning, and today the thought of snow actually made me smile.

"_I may never find out where it is,_

_but I might reach you with a drive-by kiss._

_And its wrong to think about forever,_

_when you know it doesn't last._

_But if you try to run away from your memory,_

_you can't ever drive too fast."_

I left to go out for a drive shortly after it got dark out. I didn't know where I was going. Anywhere really. I just wanted to get out for a little while. I drove down the street I had lived on for so many years here in Toronto. I began floating through memories as I drove towards the end of the block and they took me all around, to various places on this drive tonight. I drove by our Middle School. I drove by that very spot where we first bonded, where I threw that ninja star into that tree and we started our first conversation. Some days I curse that. Today I smile as I pass by the schoolyard. That tree is gone now. How fitting.

I take some turns around the city and drive past the park with the awful orange fencing around it. I remember how you and I would come here as teenagers after school, we'd toss each other around in this park, trying to perfect the wrestling moves we'd seen on television, imitate our then idols. I feel this longing, this strange urge to get out of the car, to walk over to that old orange fencing and touch it, brush the snow off of it and run my fingers across it one more time. It would be the closest thing to touching you I could get right now. I circle around the block again, passing by the park just once more. I have to laugh as I do, remembering how we would throw each other into that orange fence and bounce back as if they were actually wrestling ring ropes. We've both come a long way since then in our wrestling careers, and as I think about the early days I wish more and more that you were sitting in the passenger seat so you and I could reminisce about them together. I'm on my own now, I guess, with the memories we made.

"_I didn't know it would come to this_

_I hope I can say what I never did_

_with a drive-by kiss"_

Lastly I drive by your Mom's old house before venturing back home. She doesn't live there anymore. You helped her buy a new house a couple of years ago. You had always talked about doing so, since you and I first signed contracts with the WWF. I look at the house as I drive past, the lights are on. There's someone else living there in your old house. There's a new car in the driveway and most likely someone strange sleeping in your bedroom. I sigh. If only they knew.

I pulled up in the driveway and turned off the car. I thought about how I might actually miss the snow and cold when I went back home to Florida. I tried to shake off the feelings that were hanging around me. I had a new life. My life wasn't what it used to be, wasn't made up any more of all of those things I had done and felt in those places I had just finished passing. I had a new life. A girlfriend. A career. A heartbreak.

I loathe failure. I loathe it in any form. It's something I just can't swallow. Personal, professional, in any form it was the worst case scenario for me. I had to accept this, though. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it was over. It was over.

_And it's a sad way,_

_to say hello,_

_But if you sleep it off,_

_will you let me know?_

_Say good-bye,_

_but don't let me go._


End file.
